It’s All Too Much

I’ve completed a few things so far today that needed to get done. I went and got my weekly blood work, this week it included a Clozapine level. I also emailed my psychiatrist to let him know how I’m doing. I let him know that I think my weakness and exhaustion is from ECT, not from Clozapine. For every step I take, it feels like I’m taking a thousand steps. Every single task I work on, even when I don’t complete them, requires a major effort. And it seems to be never-ending. Once I finish one task, there are three new ones to finish. It keeps increasing. Can’t people tell I’m not up for this right now? I know that I normally fake being okay, but I’m not even trying to fake anything right now. To fake being okay requires energy, and that is not something that I have at this time. All I can do is be myself; tired, confused, and distraught.

My husband has decided to look for a new car. Actually, my mother-in-law wants to get my husband a new car and give his current car to his brother. His immediate family is pretty much computer illiterate. His brother once told me it was amazing how I was going back and forth between two windows. So any time they want to do something, they always ask me. “Why don’t you ask Jodi? She could easily do that for you.” My only problem with that is I struggle to say no to anyone. I especially struggle to say no when I’m asked in front of a group of people. This time, it felt as if it was assumed that I would do whatever I was told to do or whatever was “asked” of me. It’s hard enough to get something done when you have one person telling you what they want, but when the decision is between two different people who aren’t in the same room, it becomes a major challenge. It is not something I want to get myself in the middle of.

Maybe I would feel a little better if I could get a few more things done that need to be done for me. Tasks such as cleaning the house would help me feel good. I even break that task down into smaller tasks so I feel productive as I’m cleaning. I already cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms a couple of days ago. All that’s left is to dust, vacuum, and mop. I wish I could get rid of my depression. It’s making life so difficult; every little task is a massive job. I just don’t want to do it anymore.