Author: My Side of the Pole

I'm a 32 year old married woman who has been dealing with Bipolar disorder since the age of 14. This is all about my life, diagnoses, and treatments. If you have any questions, just ask me. I hope that others with Bipolar Disorder or PTSD can relate to my blog and find it helpful.

I Can’t Stop Moving

I Can’t Stop Moving

Last night I actually slept a combined total of 7 hours. For weeks now, I’ve only been getting 4 to 5 hours a night. So when I woke up this morning, I thought maybe I would feel more like myself. I was wrong. I know the signs of depression and the signs of mania. I generally experience one or the other, but I can tell now that I’m definitely in a mixed episode.

Mixed states of bipolar are when a person has both depressive and manic symptoms. My symptoms include a lack of sleep, talking faster and more often, being extremely active, increased anxiety/panic attacks, suicidal ideations, and hopelessness. Currently, my biggest issue is that I can’t stop moving, I can’t sit still. While this can be positive because I’m extremely productive, it also interferes with daily living. I’m completing all of my normal errands and tasks, and I’m adding in a bunch of new things to do. I’ve organized the closets and cabinets, cleaned the blinds, moved the furniture to clean underneath, took the vacuum apart to clean inside of it, leveled all of the framed pictures in the house, cleaned the hangers to remove all dust, and cleaned the ceiling fans. These are just some of the things I’ve done in the past 2 days in addition to my normal activities. It’s because I can’t sit still, mentally or physically.

Today, I went to a meeting to celebrate someone’s 2 years of sobriety. I was concerned how my body would react to sitting still for an hour. My right leg trembled uncontrollably for the entire hour. I kept telling myself that I could do it, don’t panic. My husband, sitting next to me, pressed on my leg trying to stop it from shaking; of course, this didn’t do a thing. Even now, as I type , I’m rocking back and forth. Sitting still is impossible. Even on Valium, I can’t relax how I should be able to. I think that maybe, if I’m active enough, I’ll be able to calm down. I don’t know what else to do.

Pushing Your Limits

Pushing Your Limits

Knowing your limitations is just as important as pushing yourself to do things outside of your comfort zone. This is an aspect where I really struggle. I like routine; knowing exactly what I’m supposed to do and when brings me comfort. For me, the unknown, which includes anything new, is terrifying. It happens to be one of my PTSD triggers, which almost always causes an anxiety or panic attack. If it were up to me, I would do the same things every day; I would never go anywhere new and talk to anyone I don’t know.

Lucky for me (even though it may not feel like that at the time due to my fear), my husband is there to encourage me to branch out in many ways. Tonight, he got me to go to a bar and play darts with a couple of our friends. My first thought was, ‘How can he expect me to go to a bar where there are a lot of people?’ I felt angry, but I was really just afraid. I did everything I could to not go to the bar, but in the end, I went. Mainly because I can’t say no, it’s something I’m working on. So I went, and of course, I was extremely anxious. I couldn’t stand still. I had a hard time staying aware of everything that was going on around me. So I took a Valium, which helped calm me down but did not get rid of the restlessness. We played darts, and to my surprise, I enjoyed a large portion of the evening. While some moments were extremely frustrating, most of the time was manageable.

I went through just about every emotion this evening, which is exhausting and quite a bit overwhelming. But the most important part, is that I did it. I left the house and went somewhere that was unfamiliar to me. I faced a fear and pushed my limits. It doesn’t work out every time I try something like this, but it did this time. I feel a sense of pride for making it through the night and managing my anxiety attack in public. But I don’t see myself doing that again anytime soon. It’s important to have a balanced life in order to be healthy (in some way, despite the Bipolar and PTSD). I know I can’t have a healthy life if I only leave the house to go to the grocery store.

I want to express gratitude for my husband that pushes me to branch out in many different ways. Even though sometimes it’s too much, there are some times that he is right. Everything he does comes from a place of love. I’m lucky to have him. Having the man I love stand by me through all of my vast emotions makes me an abundantly fortunate woman.

 

What My Bipolar is Like

What My Bipolar is Like

I live with the mental health diagnoses of Bipolar 1 and PTSD. Neither of these are new, but that doesn’t make them easy to live with. At one point, I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed Bipolar at 12 years old and PTSD many years later. Now, at 31 years old, I have learned some tricks to make life easier, but nothing I do will ever get rid of my disorders. Throughout the years, I have had my ups and downs, manic, mixed, or depressed; there has been very little time where any doctor would be considered me to be in remission.

There are a few things that have helped me over the years:

  1. I am always compliant with my medications and treatments. It’s not easy, and I do complain about it, but I know how important it is to stay on my medication as prescribed by my doctor.
  2. I have the support of my entire family. Everyone supports me and does their best to understand what I’m going through. I have never felt judged from any family member, and I know how lucky I am to have that.
  3. I always tell on myself to my family and doctors. When I start to experience manic symptoms, I like to keep them to myself. It’s a nice change of pace from the depression. However, I know how bad it can get and how quickly it can get there, so I tell my doctors and support team what’s happening.
  4. I follow the instructions from my doctors. When I’m told to change medications, I do so. I am aware that the doctors know more than I do. Sometimes I ask for time so I can do research (I LOVE research), I like to know what I’m getting myself  into.
  5. When doing research on medications and treatments, I look at all sources of information. I research online, I talk to my family, I ask my pharmacist, and I attempt to make an educated decision, if necessary.

These things are a huge part of what’s kept me alive. I know I’m not stable, and I haven’t been for quite a while, but I’ve had times in my life that were worse than they are now. Improvement is all I can hope for.

At this time, I’m on a lot of medication. I take seven medications daily, as well as two that I take as needed. These are just my psychiatric medication. For some reason, I have several physical health problems that have been either medicated or treated with surgery. I have also been doing ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) for just over a year, and I am working to decide on the next form of treatment. Every medication I take helps in some form. I know it’s a lot, it is way more than most people take, but it’s what works for me. I have never been a person who only takes one or two psychiatric medications. My case is complex, but my doctor is amazing and I trust him completely.

For months I’ve been dealing with depression and struggling with suicidal ideations. All I want is to have a few moments where the thoughts of suicide are not in my mind. Just because I think about it, doesn’t mean I’m going to do it. I have reasons not to, and for me they are my husband and my mother. About a week or two ago, my sleep started to decline. I don’t get more than 4 or 5 hours a night, if I’m lucky, but I wake up continuously. Now, I can see several signs of mania, and so can my psychiatrist. It feels more like a mixed state. I have some moments where my mind crashes. For example, having a simple conversation with my mother today was almost impossible, but that only lasted a few hours.

My anxiety and panic attacks are increasing. They have always happened daily for many years, but now they are happening multiple times a day. They even happen when I can’t find a reason (the reason is probably my mind that keeps running). I used to be able to talk myself down from my anxiety attacks, but not lately. I feel like I’m losing my mind (I know that sounds odd coming from someone who struggles with mental illness).

Right now, I’m simply trying to hang on. Life is overwhelming, and it doesn’t seem to be getting much better. I recognize changes in my mental health and I honestly report them to my doctors. I can’t think of any other people in my life that actually do that. I’m proactive; maybe there is some kind of chance that I’ll get better, but I don’t like getting my hopes up. For the moment, I am taking advantage of the energy I have from my new mixed state, and I’m getting a lot of things done that would normally be close to impossible.

I wonder if one day I will be able to live my life without purely trying to “hang on”. I’ve had times in my life before that were fabulous. I had a full-time job, I got promoted, and I had an active social life. Now, I jump at every noise I hear, and usually they aren’t even real. Will I get my life back? Or has Bipolar claimed it as its own? I’m not saying that my life is bad. It’s difficult and often more than I can handle, but I do know how lucky I am for someone in my position. I’m extremely grateful for my supportive family and my husband than encourages me see friends and do things for myself.

It’s time now to try to see if I can sleep. My mind is still racing. I hope I can shut it down.  Again, I don’t get my hopes up, but I do try. Off I go…