Last night I actually slept a combined total of 7 hours. For weeks now, I’ve only been getting 4 to 5 hours a night. So when I woke up this morning, I thought maybe I would feel more like myself. I was wrong. I know the signs of depression and the signs of mania. I generally experience one or the other, but I can tell now that I’m definitely in a mixed episode.

Mixed states of bipolar are when a person has both depressive and manic symptoms. My symptoms include a lack of sleep, talking faster and more often, being extremely active, increased anxiety/panic attacks, suicidal ideations, and hopelessness. Currently, my biggest issue is that I can’t stop moving, I can’t sit still. While this can be positive because I’m extremely productive, it also interferes with daily living. I’m completing all of my normal errands and tasks, and I’m adding in a bunch of new things to do. I’ve organized the closets and cabinets, cleaned the blinds, moved the furniture to clean underneath, took the vacuum apart to clean inside of it, leveled all of the framed pictures in the house, cleaned the hangers to remove all dust, and cleaned the ceiling fans. These are just some of the things I’ve done in the past 2 days in addition to my normal activities. It’s because I can’t sit still, mentally or physically.

Today, I went to a meeting to celebrate someone’s 2 years of sobriety. I was concerned how my body would react to sitting still for an hour. My right leg trembled uncontrollably for the entire hour. I kept telling myself that I could do it, don’t panic. My husband, sitting next to me, pressed on my leg trying to stop it from shaking; of course, this didn’t do a thing. Even now, as I type , I’m rocking back and forth. Sitting still is impossible. Even on Valium, I can’t relax how I should be able to. I think that maybe, if I’m active enough, I’ll be able to calm down. I don’t know what else to do.

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