I generally hide certain emotions, especially anger, even though I know it’s not helping me. I used to get drink and get high when I couldn’t handle my anger. Over the years, I’ve taught myself to downplay my anger so it didn’t have as big of an effect on me as it used to. I thought this was working, but I now know that I was just avoiding problems instead of dealing with them. All problems need to be dealt with at some point.
I have so much going on in my life right now. I became so overwhelmed yesterday and I finally admitted that I was angry; I said it out loud. It felt really good to say it out loud and express my emotions; it actually lessened my anger. I should have done it a long time ago. I’m hoping that I learned something from this experience.
I started another medication yesterday for my bladder disorder. It seems that my medication list is going to keep getting bigger. I was told that I have to take this medication on an empty stomach and I take it twice a day. I already have a medication that I take with food twice a day. I think that the new medication is what pushed me over the edge yesterday. Nothing ever seems to be simple. Hopefully the new medication will work, but it will take time.
My next article about managing emotions has been posted on The International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF). It talks about various ways to keep track of and manage our emotions, and how difficult it is to do. Please check it out.
You can find my post on the IBPF website here.
This evening, I brought the trash and recycling outside. On my way in, I checked the mailbox; there was some junk mail and a letter from Johnson & Johnson Prescription Assistance Program. I’ve been waiting for this letter. I held it in my hand as I walked quickly to get inside my house so I could open it and hopefully find out that they accepted my application.
I opened the letter quickly and started reading. It says, “Thank you for applying to our Patient Assistance Program…Unfortunately, after carefully reviewing your application, we’ve determined that you do not meet the eligibility requirements at this time…” The second I read the word “Unfortunately” I knew they were rejecting my application. This is very upsetting for me. The medication is for a bladder condition I have called interstitial cystitis. It’s very painful and causes many bladder problems. The medication was going to give me the possibility of no longer doing installations (catheterization to insert medication directly into the bladder). I do these installations every week.
The medication costs $500 to $800 per month without insurance. With my insurance coverage, it costs $230 per month. While the insurance does cover quite a bit of the cost, there’s still a lot left to be taken care of, especially since it would be in addition to all of my psychiatric medications. The letter gave several reasons why they may have denied my application. The only one that seems to fit is that you need to be uninsured for the prescription product needed. Even though my coverage for this medication is crappy, it’s still there, and that’s what they are basing their decision on.
This sucks, and is ridiculous (sorry, just venting). This is not the answer I was looking for, but I will have to deal with it. Maybe I’ll try the medication for a couple of months to find out if it would even work. If it does work and I want to continue taking it, then I can figure out how to deal with it at that time. If it doesn’t work, then there’s no reason to be stressed and upset about it. I’m going to have to think about it for a little while before making a decision.
I am a worrier. In any situation, my mind usually thinks of all the things that could go wrong. I worry about my family, my friends, my dog, my own life, and the future; so, to sum it up, I worry about almost everything. Worrying takes up a lot of my energy. I wish I was able to control it, but so far, I’ve been unsuccessful at that. However, I am getting better at it.
My grandmother was admitted to the hospital today. The doctors ruled out a stroke, but they still don’t know what’s wrong with her. They admitted her to the ICU; she is not in critical condition, they just felt that they could monitor her better there. When I first found out, I was thinking that I should fly home so I could be there with her, for my benefit, not hers. Luckily, I was able to talk myself down into thinking reasonably. I know that my mom would let me know if I needed to come home.
Feeling concerned about someone or something is one thing, but obsessive worrying is taking it too far. Most of the emotions I feel are to the extreme; I need to learn to find balance. I didn’t call my mom 10 times today to see how things were going. I called one and sent a couple of text messages. I’m learning how to handle my emotions and conduct myself in difficult situations. My first reaction is never the right or appropriate one, but, with a lot of work, I can talk myself through rough circumstances.
I’ve had trouble sleeping the past week or so, and when that happens my mind tends to wander. I tend to worry, and of course every noise my house makes freaks me out. I feel so vulnerable, it’s from my PTSD. I think about when I first got sober, the long-term rehab I was in required that we take martial arts, among many other activities. I loved it! I worked hard at it, and in just about a year’s time, I was able to graduate to from a white belt to a blue belt. I really miss it. It gave me more confidence, and most importantly, it helped me feel safe when I was alone.
I’ve been thinking about joining some type of martial arts or self-defense class. It might take me many months to actually do, but I started thinking about it. I even brought it up to my husband last night. He reminded me that the main reason I stopped doing martial arts was because of the pain in my knees and hips, which I completely forgot about thanks to ECT. This was before my knee surgery. I know it’s really hard on my body, but it may be worth a try. I think a self-defense class would be easier on me physically.
I might start researching the different places I could go to. A one-on-one self-defense class is probably the least anxiety-provoking and intimidating. I get extremely nervous in groups. If I feel comfortable down the road, I can always join a martial arts program. Who knows what will happen, anything’s possible.
Lately, my nighttime meds kick in within about 20 or 30 minutes and I’m asleep quickly and easily. Tonight is anything but quick and easy. I was just laying in bed waiting for the meds to start working. After an hour of laying in bed without the ability to fall asleep or even be the slightest bit tired, I gave up, took my pillow, and went out to the living room couch. Sometimes, just changing my scenery helps.
So far, no improvement. In fact, I’m a bit jumpy. I’ve seen some flashing lights racing by my house and a lot of dogs are barking (thank goodness my dog is completely silent). I get nervous when I’m alone. My husband is asleep, so I count this as being home alone. So maybe a change of scenery has been counterproductive this time; maybe I should go back to bed soon.
In the mean time, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t sleep. I recently had a couple of medication changes, which could be a big factor with my sleep problems. I’m exhausted during the days and awake at night. This may be something I should mention to my psychiatrist.
It’s been tough not blogging lately. Blogging has been a great way for me to work through my issues, but it’s hard to do physically. That means, I’ve been holding in most of my emotions and not dealing with things in the best way. Luckily, my family has been there to help me with any issues going on. I also feel like I have support from this online community I’m a part of. Thank you to all of you.
I’ve talked to most of my family lately. It’s nice to know that my family supports me. In just 3 1/2 weeks, I’ll be in Cape Cod with my mom, my sister, and her family. There’s a chance I might even get to see my niece skate.
My husband came home with a bouquet of flowers two days ago. He said that he thought I could use a smile, something to lift me up. They’re red roses and white lilies. Lilies are my favorite. He’s so sweet. He does stuff like that randomly.
I’m still getting used to the new medication. This is the first medication that I have to take with a meal. All my (many) other meds don’t need to be taken with a meal. It’s hard to remember to take the Metformin with food, but I will get used to it eventually.