I don’t think I’m going to try going to another meeting today. They are so much busier on the weekends, and I’m not ready for that yet, at least not alone. I’m not giving up; I’ll go on Monday. I’m glad that I started going back to meetings. I missed the community and friendships. However, for now, I have lots to do while I’m home. Cleaning and packing is a lot of work.
Yesterday’s ECT seemed harder than usual, but my husband says that I say that every time, I just don’t remember due to the memory loss from the treatments. Last night, we went to my husband’s best friend’s house. We just played some card games. It was difficult, but I pushed myself through it. I think it’s important to hang out with people and have fun. Maybe it’s not the best idea to do it on a day that I had ECT, but I know that I will always find a reason not to do things, so last night, I just figured why not.
I went to another meeting last night, but I didn’t like that one as much as I liked the one on Wednesday night. I will have to try out many different meetings until I find the one that’s right for me, I have hope. Even though I didn’t like the meeting, I stayed for the whole thing. The important part is that I keep trying. I won’t be able to go to a meeting today because I have another ECT treatment, but maybe I’ll try again on Saturday. I have to keep putting myself out there. I really want to have that community that I used to have when I was going to meetings all the time. I can’t give up.
Yesterday, I went to my friend’s/sponsor’s house so we could drive to the AA meeting together. Just the thought of going to a meeting was causing an anxiety attack. I ended up going to the meeting with her and her husband, who helped me first get sober. When we got to the meeting, my anxiety picked up again, but my friend helped me through it.
There were several people who know me. They all wanted hugs, which was difficult at first, but it got easier as the moments went on. It was really nice to see most of these people. Only a couple of people asked me where I’ve been. I did my best to answer them by saying, “Not here”, but for one person it didn’t work. I just said, “I’ve been busy but staying sober.”
We sat on a bench with our backs to the wall (my friend picked the seats and she knows me very well). My friend sat on one side of me and her husband sat on the other. I was very fidgety, had racing thoughts, and at one point I apparently stopped breathing, so my friend suggested we go outside for a moment. I was afraid that someone was going to call on me to speak, and there were lots of people who kept looking over at me. Everything ended up perfectly fine.
In fact, I’m thinking of going to another meeting today. I know what it is that I have been missing from the meetings, I’ve been missing the friendship and community. I’m thinking of going to an earlier meeting today, at 4pm, so it will be a bit smaller (hopefully). We’ll see how it goes. I’m just going to take it one moment at a time.
I’m feeling a little better today, which is good because I have lots to do. My lawyer is going to call me in a few hours to explain how things are going with my case. I’m very curious and can’t wait to hear how it’s going. Then, my father-in-law and his girlfriend are coming over. Our house is a disaster because I already started packing. Hopefully they will understand that. I normally don’t let anyone in the house unless it’s clean, but cleaning and packing don’t really go together. My husband and I are going to take them too our new house shortly after they get here. I can’t wait to see the house again.
I also have a meeting to go to tonight, which I’m very nervous about. I’m meeting someone there, so I won’t be alone, but I’m still nervous. I used to go to these exact meetings (6pm Monday through Friday) every day until 2009 when I went on disability due to my mental health. I’m a little worried that people are going to ask me where I’ve been or why I haven’t been coming. My mom helped me out. If people ask where I’ve been, I can simply say, “Not here, how are you?” I think I can do that. I at least have to try.
I’ve been feeling like crap since I woke up this morning. It’s just my sinuses; I can barely breathe. I’ve been feeling like this for a few days, but today it has gotten much worse. I’ve been taking all sorts of medication; Mucinex, Sudafed, Alka Seltzer, etc, and nothing seems to be working. I feel like shit. I’m hoping that I feel better by tomorrow evening so I can go to the meeting with my friend/sponsor.
Earlier this afternoon, I drove my step-daughter a couple towns over to pick up her new car. My mother-in-law bought her a new vehicle because the one she had was not safe enough and did not have working air conditioner for our granddaughter. The hardest part of this task, was going over to her house and not picking up my granddaughter. I didn’t want to spread any of my germs.
I’ve been packing a couple of boxes a day. I figure, that a little bit at a time will be a whole lot easier than trying to do it all at once. Due to my husband’s back, I’m doing most of, if not all of the packing. My step-daughter’s boyfriend is going to help us move everything from one house to the next.
I spoke to my old sponsor last night and I asked her if she would bring me to a meeting. She was happy to do it. She even thanked me for asking her to do this favor. I suppose she thinks of it as service work. It turns out that it helps both of us! She knows me well, so she understands why I didn’t want to go to the meeting alone. I also told her that I know my husband would have been happy to bring me, but I wanted the support of a woman. Both she and my husband understood that.
We are going to meet on Wednesday evening for the 6pm meeting at the hall that I used to go to. We are going to try and meet a little bit early so we have time to talk. I’m looking forward to this but I’m also extremely nervous/terrified. With my friend’s help, I know I can do this. I’m lucky to have all of the support from my friends and family.