Today, I got my plane ticket to go to Cape Cod in August. On my way there, I will be taking an overnight flight. Both of my flights to Boston and home are non-stop, which is wonderful; I never get that option when I’m flying into Connecticut. I get to see my sister and her family for one day, and then I get to spend a whole week with my mom. We do this every year, and I’m ecstatic to be going again. We’ve been doing this every year since before I was born.
This photo is one that I took of the sun setting when I was standing at the top of the stairs by the beach. I love walking along the beach and on the rocks of the jetty. I especially like taking these walks when there’s no one else there. Cape Cod is a great place for me to relax; I can’t wait to go.
I’ve been eating much healthier than normal, but there’s still room for improvement. All that matters is that I keep trying and I do my best. Apparently, I am very irritable today. My husband said I was a bit snappy; I know he’s right. I’m not sure why I’m so short-tempered today. Could it be because I’m not eating the junk food that I normally like to eat? Could it be because I’m overloaded with stuff that has to get done? Or maybe it’s due to the horrible heat-wave? Whatever the reason is, hopefully my bad mood won’t last too long.
I’m working hard at eating healthy. It’s not an easy thing, but I’m trying. My doctor was talking to me about getting healthy and losing weight. She kept talking to me as if I was stupid and didn’t know what I’m supposed to be eating. I explained to her that I know what I should eat, but knowing doesn’t really mean much. There’s a huge difference between knowing something and putting it into action.
With food, my worst time of day is at night, specifically in the middle of the night between 11pm and 5am. I don’t know why I eat things then. When I can’t sleep, it seems like I fill my bored, tired body with food. It’s completely unnecessary, but I do it anyways. I can eat healthy all day long and then I go and mess it up in the middle of the night for no reason. I’m going to keep working on it. I’ll try again tonight not to eat for no reason.
Food is another addiction of mine. I’m already sober from drugs and alcohol. I know I need to add food to that list, but it’s a really hard thing to do. I’m grateful to have all the love and support that I do have. My family is understanding and encouraging.
When I woke up this morning, I finally decided to make a much-needed change. I’m not exactly sure what has pushed me to make this decision, but am going to start working on losing some weight and getting healthier. I want to do this for many reasons, but the main reason is because I deserve it.
I’m going to start cooking and eating better. It all starts with a healthy grocery trip, which I did successfully this afternoon. I feel pretty good that I made it through my first day. It wasn’t easy. I’ve even been looking for some healthy recipes I’m willing to make. Most of all, there will be no more eating out of boredom, anger, or any other emotions. I also will be watching my portion sizes.
I expect this to be difficult, but I know I can do it because I’ve done it before, multiple times. I started out with today being a very successful day.
I’ve been struggling more and more lately with memory problems. There are so many things in my past that are completely blank, which does have some benefits. However, there are negatives as well. For example, I don’t remember what pushed me over the side and decided to get sober. I don’t remember most of my childhood and I don’t even remember my time in college when I was taking classes on campus.
In addition to my memory problems, I’m also having a hard time finding the right words when speaking. I did some research and found out that this is called Aphasia. There are different types of Aphasia. Mine appears to be Expressive Aphasia, which is when the person knows what they want to say, but has a hard time communicating it to others. I’m worried that this is going to get worse. It’s been pretty difficult and annoying to deal with. I see my psychiatrist at ECT tomorrow morning, so I will probably mention it to him and see what he has to say.
My husband and I took Achilles for a walk last night, as we always do. We wait until late, about 10pm, to make sure it’s cooled off enough for Achilles. The high yesterday was 114 degrees. Even when the temperature cools down, the pavement is still hot and takes extra time to cool off. During our walk, we saw a pack of coyotes, there were three of them. They were about 200 feet away. I’m not scared of one coyote, but when they’re in a pack, they are much more powerful and very scary, at least to me. Luckily, Achilles didn’t notice the coyotes. If he did, he probably would have wanted to investigate. Instead, they pack went on their way, probably hunting rabbits. One of our neighbors let us know that there are coyotes around, but I never thought I would run into a pack, especially at night when we were walking on the main road. I was really nervous for the rest of the walk, but I made it through until we got home. I won’t let this stop me from taking walks. I will just make sure I’m prepared for any issue.
Happy Father’s Day to my dad, my husband, and all of the other fathers out there. Father’s Day is usually a difficult day for me. I lost my father about 14 years ago. He died after being sick for about 6 years. I was 12 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer, and I was 18 years old when he died. It’s still hard. I’m still crying, and I still feel alone at times, but it has improved.
My dad still is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He knew how to be responsible, dependable, and intelligent, while also knowing how to have fun and enjoy life. When I was young, my dad and I were best friends. We would go skiing or flying together, he had a pilot’s license; these were just a couple of the many things we did together. I acted like a jerk for most of the last few years of his life. I was between 12 and 18 years old, so I was acting like a teenager, however; I was also acting like an addict. I regret not being there with my family when my dad died. My biggest regret in my life is that I didn’t get sober until after my father’s death. He never knew me as a sober person.
I’m getting through Father’s Day a bit better than normal. I read some other blogs and they were very helpful. One blog in particular, Father’s Day Memories Blog, reminded me that my father is alive in my memories. I remember one day, my dad woke me up early for school and took me out for the day. We flew out to an amazing mountain and went skiing for the day. I have to keep these wonderful memories I have of my dad alive.
I also spent a good amount of time today being productive. We can finally move stuff back into the house since the bed bug issues is getting under control. It’s like moving into the house all over again. Staying busy keeps my mind occupied. I’ve spent my day thinking of memories with my dad, staying productive, and keeping my mind occupied. It’s still a difficult day for me, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. I think I’m finally learning how to deal with the loss.