Achilles

Yesterday, my husband and I decided to go to the humane society to look at dogs that were up for adoption. We decided that we would only adopt a dog if there was a real connection between all of us. We had private visits with multiple dogs, but the connection just wasn’t there. The we saw Achilles. He was on hold, but only for another 20 minutes. We waited around, and Achilles ended up being available. He is a 3-year-old American Bulldog mix, he weighs 85 pounds, he was found as a stray in a bad neighborhood, he’s very calm and loving, he loves to play fetch, he is great on a leash, and he is a wonderful gentle giant. My husband and I fell in love with him right away. Achilles is perfect for us. We were ecstatic to take him home with us.

Going Away?

I’m struggling to lose weight. It’s such a pain in the ass. Oh well, it will happen at some point. I enjoy cooking for my husband, but it doesn’t help with weight loss. I’ve been trying some new recipes lately. Last night’s dinner definitely wasn’t healthy. Maybe I should look at some new, healthier recipes.

Right now, I should be focused on what’s currently happening and what’s coming up this weekend. My husband and I are going to Flagstaff for a couple of days. There’s a camping event that happens every year. I used to bring my dog with me and we would have a lot of fun. I’m getting nervous about being around that many people. It will be easier since I’ll be with my husband. Even though I know most of the people there, it still makes me nervous. I’m actually rethinking going to the event. Maybe we’ll still go away for a couple of days, but not go to the event. I’ll have to talk to my husband about it. I’ll let you know what we decide to do.

Haircut

I hope everyone had a happy Memorial Day. I want to thank all of those who served in our military and their families. I have a lot of memories of Memorial Day parades and barbecues. I’m trying to be productive and useful today.

I’ve been talking about getting my hair cut for months now. I haven’t had it done in over a year. I don’t remember where I normally get my hair cut because of my hair loss. Because of that, I’m too nervous to go somewhere new and have someone I don’t know stand behind me with scissors, so my solution was to just ignore the need for a haircut. Today, my husband offered to take me where he goes and to go with me. I really needed a haircut. My hair was almost down to the skinniest part of my waist. Now, my hair is almost shoulder length. I cut a lot off. It’s so much easier to deal with and it’s so much cooler in this Arizona summer heat. I was afraid to get my hair cut, but I faced my fear and went through with it, with my husband by my side, and it wasn’t all that scary.

Never-ending

It never stops. It’s just one thing, after another, after another, and so on. When can I catch a break?! Today, it was a notice I received in the mail last night. I’m stressed to the max. Just when I think it can’t go any farther or get any worse, something else happens. I’m not necessarily stressed so much this time because of what this issue is about, it’s just the fact that it’s another issue.

My husband kept trying to cheer me up, but that wasn’t helping. I explained to him that my real worries with this issue is that I might have to go somewhere that I don’t know in order to solve the issue. He offered to take care of that for me, which helped a lot. He said that I take care of him all the time, that now it’s his turn. I’m lucky to have a helpful and caring husband.

Overwhelming Week

This past week has been overwhelming. I’ve been feeling useless, hopeless, and worthless. I’ve been doing the best I can, but it doesn’t seem to be enough to make me feel worthwhile. No matter what, I keep trying, whether I want to or not. I want to give up, but I keep holding on. I don’t do it for myself, I do it for my family. My main reasons are my husband and my mother. I suppose it doesn’t really matter why I keep trying, what matters is that I keep doing it. I know that some days are better than others, which means that I will have better days than I’m having today. That means, I have to give myself the opportunity to have better moments/days. These crappy feelings will go away. I even feel a little bit better after writing this post than I did when I started writing today.

What A Relief

Just as I published my previous post saying how anxious I was because I was because there were going to be a dryer delivery and a Goodwill pick up… the doorbell rang. Goodwill came early! I was ecstatic! My husband was home, so I felt more comfortable, and then I knew that the delivery/pickups wouldn’t overlap. I guess I have better luck that I thought. Now, my day is going to go a little smoother and easier. I’m still nervous about the dryer delivery, but now it’s a lot more manageable.

Day Filled With Anxiety

Today is a very busy day filled with anxiety. I have a Sears coming between 12pm and 2pm to deliver a new dryer because the other one broke over the weekend. I also have Goodwill coming to pick up a bunch of stuff, and of course they’re coming between 12pm and 2pm as well. That will be a lot of activity, and a lot of strangers, at once, and my husband will be at work. I will have to take a Valium, probably around 11am, so I’m ready for these people when they get here.

I’m nervous about both things happening today. I was originally told that both would be between 7am and 5pm. Of course, with my good luck, they both called and narrowed it down between 12pm and 2pm. I’m hoping they don’t come at the exact same time, but I suppose I’ll just have to go with the flow.

Weight Gain

My weight has gotten out of control. Since I don’t drink or use drugs anymore (for the past 13 years), I usually eat when I’m stressed or when problems arise. And since I’ve been having so many problems lately, I’ve been eating a lot. I’m trying to stop. I want to and need to lose weight. In a little over two months, I’m going to go to Cape Cod to spend time with my family. When I go, I really want to be comfortable in a bathing suit. Actually, I want to feel comfortable in any type of clothes. I don’t need to lose all of the weight I’ve gained, just some of it. I have to try. I can do this.

Trying To Solve My Difficulties

My days seem to be getting longer and longer. I’ve been extremely busy lately and I can’t seem to get everything done that I plan to do. I’m stressed out way beyond my normal breaking point. It feels like I’m just waiting for the next disaster to happen, but I have no clue what it’s going to be or when it’s going to happen. Hopefully, I will have a bit of a break before the next catastrophe.

I had ECT this morning. Every time, my doctor asks me to rate my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and irritability. For the past couple months, every time he has asked me, my numbers have gone done, which is wonderful. However, today, just about everything was between 7 and 9. Life has been overwhelming in almost every way. Just when I think it can’t get any more stressful, it does. My doctor asked me if I wanted to do ECT once a week for a while, instead of every other week, until I start feeling better. I turned him down. I told him that I want to wait to see if things will improve when the situations in my life start to improve (hopefully that happens).

My therapist called me today because I missed our appointment the other day. In the several years that I’ve been seeing him, that has only happened twice. He was just calling to make sure I was okay. I told him everything that’s going on in the past couple days; the bed bugs, broken dryer, and the problem with my debit card. I also told him about choosing not to go back to weekly ECT, and he was supportive of my decision, which made me feel more confident in my choice.

Remembering

I don’t know why, but for some reason I always remember the things I don’t want to remember and I forget the things I do want to remember. Why do I always remember the things/events that cause me anxiety and pain? I wish I could change that. I would like to remember things that would allow my life to be a little easier, but that’s not going to happen. For example, I asked the bug inspector guy lots of questions when he was at my house. He answered all of my questions thoroughly, and I can’t remember any of his answers. Now I need to call him and ask him some of those questions again.

I get nervous when I need to make phone calls to anyone other than family. I don’t want this added anxiety. My heart races when I have to talk to someone I don’t know, whether it’s on the phone or in person. When will this ever go away?

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Month: May 2017