Lately, my bipolar feels like a never-ending staircase. The longer I’m on it, the harder it gets; as if I’m never going to win. Does anyone ever ‘win’ when it comes to mental health? Maybe, if you’re lucky, you can have a few months of remission, but then it starts again.
I wasn’t even doing that well a couple weeks ago, but I was a whole lot better than I am right now. I found out about a friend who took his own life, and that triggered another episode for me (according to my doctor). I wasn’t even close with this guy anymore, but he was a good man. Apparently, it brought up every other death I’ve gone through. Not to mention I’m jealous that he had the guts to do it and he’s finally at peace. Why does my brain think like that? That’s a sick thought. I don’t want to commit suicide; I could never do that. But I can’t stop thinking about it.
I wonder what life is like for people who have control over their own thoughts and actions (I can’t always control myself during episodes). I keep doing all of the things that I know have helped in the past, and I’m trying some new methods as well. The only other thing left to do is wait; I get to wait to see if something is going to work.
I know what my life is going to be like. I will have many manic episodes, depressive episodes, and mixed episodes throughout the years. If I’m lucky, I’ll have a few months in between where I feel good, and that’s it. Maybe I’ll be able to work again someday, maybe I’ll be able to make new friends (I’m currently too scared to meet new people), maybe I won’t spend at least half my income on mental health medical bills. Instead of wondering what could be, I just need to live in the moment. Today, in my mixed episode, I will be productive and do the best I can to manage my anxiety/panic attacks and my overall episode. I will keep climbing those stairs in hopes of a better solution in the future.