Everything I do is wrong, at least that’s how I feel. I just can’t make the people I want happy. I’ve felt like this for a long time now, so why do I keep trying? I’m sure it’s all in my head, but feeling like this on a regular basis is depleting. At least I’m aware of my irrational bipolar symptoms such as this one. I know deep down that I’m not doing everything wrong and making everyone unhappy; awareness is helpful to me.
It’s hard enough to do that when I’m not in a bipolar episode, how can I expect myself to do everything ‘right’ in the mixed episode I’m currently experiencing. One of the symptoms I’ve been dealing with is excessive talking, even to people I normally wouldn’t talk to. I’m constantly afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing or something inappropriate. I’ve done it before, so I’m sure I will do it again. The problem is that I can’t always control what comes out of my mouth. I try to stop myself from talking as much, but it doesn’t seem to have any effect.
It would be one thing if what I was saying made any sense, but it doesn’t. I struggle to stay on one topic. There are so many thoughts running through my head at one time, I seem to bounce from subject to subject. I also tend to forget what I’m saying altogether. All of these things make normal conversations very difficult and generally unpleasant for the other person involved.
I think this blog is helping me get out some of my thoughts. I’m hoping it helps me reduce the amount of crap I convey to others. Writing can be a theraputic tool. I’ve never liked it, but at this point, I’ll try anything.