Making decisions never used to be a problem for me. I was able to make decisions for myself without any assistance; it wasn’t scary or anxiety-provoking. Then a couple months ago, decision making because a major problem in my life. To this day, deciding what I want is not only difficult, it can often be impossible. For me, when it’s time to make a decision, it feels as if I’m standing in front of a massive brick wall instead of standing at a fork in the road.
My husband will ask me what TV show I want to watch, and all I can do is stare at the options. One trick I’ve tried is ‘Eeny, meeny, miny, moe’. Yes, I know it sounds like I’m in grade school, but this is a serious issue. I honestly fight with myself every day to decide what I’m going to wear, when I’m going to complete certain tasks, which route I will drive to get somewhere, and more. I would even prefer to watch the same channel for hours that’s playing a show I don’t even like than trying to choose what TV show I do want to watch.
My therapist wants me to start making small decisions, and I have been, but not without a huge amount of effort and stress. I have figured out several times what to wear and what to cook for dinner. It seems as if others don’t understand that decision making causes anxiety or panic attacks some days. It’s more than being indecisive, it’s being incapable of making certain decisions.
My husband and other family members try to help by asking me what I want. Here’s the thing, I don’t know what I want, and being put on the spot to make a decision is petrifying. It feels as if no matter what I choose it will be wrong. The only thing I know I don’t want to do is anything new. Doing new things and going new places scare me and provoke anxiety attacks. I like repetition, the same schedule over and over is not boring to me, it’s comfortable.
Here’s the problem I’m presently facing. The medications I’m on and the ECT treatment I do every four weeks is not helping enough. All of it has made a huge difference from where I was at a year ago, but it’s not enough. The suicidal ideations won’t go away and I’ve changed from a depression to a mixed episode. My psychiatrist gave me three options for my next form of treatment. I already ruled one out (I’m proud of myself for doing that). But now, I still need to make a decision between two very difficult options. I have done extensive research on both choices. My next post will be about the choices I have, it’s too much for me to get into right now. My biggest concern is that if I can’t decide what I want to watch on TV, then how am I supposed to decide what my next form of treatment will be.