How is it possible that I can be surrounded by people I’m comfortable with (which is not an easy task), yet I still feel alone? In fact, I tend to feel even more alone, lonely, and depressed than I do when I’m actually all by myself. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I feel good about myself when I’m all alone, but for some reason I tend to feel even worse about who I am when I’m surrounded by others. This is especially how I feel in the past couple weeks.
Feeling like this makes it extremely difficult to pretend everything is okay when in a group of people. I have become pretty good at faking okay. I have some automatic responses and a fake smile that goes along with those answers. It’s as if I’m wearing a mask, but I’ve recently found out that there are aspects of bipolar that I can’t cover up.
The extreme episodes can be read on my face, even if I can deter some of the manic or depressive behavioral changes. I have had people who work at stores that I regularly visit who have pointed out that they can tell something is wrong. Usually it’s my anxiety, panic, and restlessness that tell people I’m faking it. I’ve been told that my face shows how I’m really feeling, despite what I say or how I act.
I’m aware that any emotion I feel while either manic or depressed, is not always real. If I seem to be happy, it’s probably just because I’m manic and can’t sit still or control my emotions. And when I’m depressed, just because I fake a smile doesn’t mean I’m really happy or feel good. The truth is that lately, I pretty much feel alone, no matter what. This has nothing to do with my friends or family. I know that I am loved and supported, especially by my husband and my mother. But I can’t help how I feel or my mood swings. If only I could show people how much they mean to me, no matter how I feel, but that is not something that I see as a possibility, at least not for today.