How is it possible that I can be surrounded by people I’m comfortable with (which is not an easy task), yet I still feel alone? In fact, I tend to feel even more alone, lonely, and depressed than I do when I’m actually all by myself. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I feel good about myself when I’m all alone, but for some reason I tend to feel even worse about who I am when I’m surrounded by others. This is especially how I feel in the past couple weeks.
Feeling like this makes it extremely difficult to pretend everything is okay when in a group of people. I have become pretty good at faking okay. I have some automatic responses and a fake smile that goes along with those answers. It’s as if I’m wearing a mask, but I’ve recently found out that there are aspects of bipolar that I can’t cover up.
The extreme episodes can be read on my face, even if I can deter some of the manic or depressive behavioral changes. I have had people who work at stores that I regularly visit who have pointed out that they can tell something is wrong. Usually it’s my anxiety, panic, and restlessness that tell people I’m faking it. I’ve been told that my face shows how I’m really feeling, despite what I say or how I act.
I’m aware that any emotion I feel while either manic or depressed, is not always real. If I seem to be happy, it’s probably just because I’m manic and can’t sit still or control my emotions. And when I’m depressed, just because I fake a smile doesn’t mean I’m really happy or feel good. The truth is that lately, I pretty much feel alone, no matter what. This has nothing to do with my friends or family. I know that I am loved and supported, especially by my husband and my mother. But I can’t help how I feel or my mood swings. If only I could show people how much they mean to me, no matter how I feel, but that is not something that I see as a possibility, at least not for today.
4 thoughts on “Alone but Wearing a Mask”
You are not alone…this should help with your depression: http://www.tibetanherbs.com/happinesssupport.html
If you are having sleeping trouble check this out: http://ff1f4pyjogm1nc4nm0njxtr-b2.hop.clickbank.net/
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Thanks for your feedback. I will keep the Happiness Support in mind if my next medication trial doesn’t work. I have found supplements and herbs to be extremely beneficial.
Currently, for my insomnia, I have started taking Valerian Root and Melatonin together, and I have stopped taking Lunesta. I find that taking these supplements together allow me to sleep for about 5 hours. I take them 2 hours before bed; it may take a while to kick in, but it works better than Lunesta or Ambien, for me. The Sleep Sync you mentioned looks interesting. I’m sure I can listen to it wearing headphones, my husband needs silence in order to sleep.
I remember before medication always feeling lonely too. When I was depressed I would feel hopeless, worthless, and not want to be around anyone. When I was manic my need to be around people 24/7 always left me craving the next adventure and no adventure fulfilled this craving. So basically I either felt too worthless for people and thus lonely or no attention was fulfilling and thus lonely.
On a side note, I love your posts. I hope your not sick of me commenting on them but your experiences are just so similar to mine and you articulate it so well.
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It’s difficult to handle these emotions, but it helps to know that they are just emotions and not exactly accurate. I may feel alone and worthless, but I know that it’s not true. I know I am significantly loved by my family and friends. This blog has also been very helpful, allowing me to express how I feel and getting feedback from others. I enjoy your comments; I’m happy to connect with you and others that struggle/live with the same difficulties.