Happy Father’s Day to my dad, my husband, and all of the other fathers out there. Father’s Day is usually a difficult day for me. I lost my father about 14 years ago. He died after being sick for about 6 years. I was 12 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer, and I was 18 years old when he died. It’s still hard. I’m still crying, and I still feel alone at times, but it has improved.
My dad still is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He knew how to be responsible, dependable, and intelligent, while also knowing how to have fun and enjoy life. When I was young, my dad and I were best friends. We would go skiing or flying together, he had a pilot’s license; these were just a couple of the many things we did together. I acted like a jerk for most of the last few years of his life. I was between 12 and 18 years old, so I was acting like a teenager, however; I was also acting like an addict. I regret not being there with my family when my dad died. My biggest regret in my life is that I didn’t get sober until after my father’s death. He never knew me as a sober person.
I’m getting through Father’s Day a bit better than normal. I read some other blogs and they were very helpful. One blog in particular, Father’s Day Memories Blog, reminded me that my father is alive in my memories. I remember one day, my dad woke me up early for school and took me out for the day. We flew out to an amazing mountain and went skiing for the day. I have to keep these wonderful memories I have of my dad alive.
I also spent a good amount of time today being productive. We can finally move stuff back into the house since the bed bug issues is getting under control. It’s like moving into the house all over again. Staying busy keeps my mind occupied. I’ve spent my day thinking of memories with my dad, staying productive, and keeping my mind occupied. It’s still a difficult day for me, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. I think I’m finally learning how to deal with the loss.
Do you ever feel like you need to act as if you are “okay”? Most of us have people in our lives that understand and support us, but there are also people who don’t get it and don’t care to. For example, at my last job, it took a lot of effort to keep my mental health a secret. I’m not ashamed of my mental health, but I didn’t want to spend time trying to explain it to people and I don’t want people to look at me differently.
There are also a lot of people who don’t consider depression, mania, or other mental health issues to be a “real” problem. Some people think that if you can’t see it, it’s not a real issue. Well, I have learned that issue is their problem. I’m lucky to have the support and understanding from family and friends. My friends are those from my previous support group. We shouldn’t have to pretend we are okay when we’re not. That’s what our friends and family are there for.
Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. We had a family get-together at his mother’s house to celebrate. There were 12 people there, two of which were kids. We brought Achilles with us because we didn’t want to leave him home alone. Everyone absolutely loved him! All he did was lay down, sleep, and give people kisses. He is the most mellow dog I have ever known.
I’m actually thinking about seeing if I can register him as a Therapy Dog. I’m not sure what kind of therapy dog would help me the most; maybe an ESA, Emotional Support Animal, or a Psychiatric Service Dog. He would be great at it, and I think it would really help me reduce my anxiety to a manageable level, possibly. It’s something that I’m going to talk to my therapist and psychiatrist about the next time I see both/either of them.
The Psychiatric Service Dog seems like it would be more helpful for me. This type of service dog can help people with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and I am diagnosed with all of those issues. For example, the service dog can create a physical barrier between the owner and others around them, providing the owner with more personal space. The service dog could help me get out of the house more often. These are things that my husband does for me to get me out of the house. Having a dog capable of those things could really get me out into the world.
I think I’ve been doing a little better the past couple of days, since we got Achilles. I have reasons to get up and do things. I have to make sure that Achilles is fed, has water, goes outside, and gets exercise by going on walks. Since Cash passed away, I haven’t felt like I had a reason to get up, but now I do. Some of the walks I go on are with Achilles and my husband, but sometimes I go just me and Achilles. Going on walks alone (although I’m with my large dog) is a lot of progress for me. Just having Achilles at my side makes me feel safer. Hopefully things will continue to improve and I’ll feel better over time.
This past week has been overwhelming. I’ve been feeling useless, hopeless, and worthless. I’ve been doing the best I can, but it doesn’t seem to be enough to make me feel worthwhile. No matter what, I keep trying, whether I want to or not. I want to give up, but I keep holding on. I don’t do it for myself, I do it for my family. My main reasons are my husband and my mother. I suppose it doesn’t really matter why I keep trying, what matters is that I keep doing it. I know that some days are better than others, which means that I will have better days than I’m having today. That means, I have to give myself the opportunity to have better moments/days. These crappy feelings will go away. I even feel a little bit better after writing this post than I did when I started writing today.
Today is a very busy day filled with anxiety. I have a Sears coming between 12pm and 2pm to deliver a new dryer because the other one broke over the weekend. I also have Goodwill coming to pick up a bunch of stuff, and of course they’re coming between 12pm and 2pm as well. That will be a lot of activity, and a lot of strangers, at once, and my husband will be at work. I will have to take a Valium, probably around 11am, so I’m ready for these people when they get here.
I’m nervous about both things happening today. I was originally told that both would be between 7am and 5pm. Of course, with my good luck, they both called and narrowed it down between 12pm and 2pm. I’m hoping they don’t come at the exact same time, but I suppose I’ll just have to go with the flow.
My days seem to be getting longer and longer. I’ve been extremely busy lately and I can’t seem to get everything done that I plan to do. I’m stressed out way beyond my normal breaking point. It feels like I’m just waiting for the next disaster to happen, but I have no clue what it’s going to be or when it’s going to happen. Hopefully, I will have a bit of a break before the next catastrophe.
I had ECT this morning. Every time, my doctor asks me to rate my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and irritability. For the past couple months, every time he has asked me, my numbers have gone done, which is wonderful. However, today, just about everything was between 7 and 9. Life has been overwhelming in almost every way. Just when I think it can’t get any more stressful, it does. My doctor asked me if I wanted to do ECT once a week for a while, instead of every other week, until I start feeling better. I turned him down. I told him that I want to wait to see if things will improve when the situations in my life start to improve (hopefully that happens).
My therapist called me today because I missed our appointment the other day. In the several years that I’ve been seeing him, that has only happened twice. He was just calling to make sure I was okay. I told him everything that’s going on in the past couple days; the bed bugs, broken dryer, and the problem with my debit card. I also told him about choosing not to go back to weekly ECT, and he was supportive of my decision, which made me feel more confident in my choice.