I Need A Break From Myself

I Need A Break From Myself

I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I keep feeling like I won’t be able to make it through the day, but I continue to push myself. I’m just trying to get through each day, one hour at a time. Every moment that I make it through is a huge accomplishment.

I suppose that since my husband is struggling with his mother’s cancer diagnosis and he’s worried about his brother, I feel like I need to be stronger. I know that if I were to say this to my husband, he would disagree. I know he only wants what’s best for me, but I can’t help but feel this way.

I pretend to be stronger than I really am, but pretending can only take me so far. However, with every passing day, I feel as if I’m getting worse. Every day for the past month, at least, I’ve thought about going to a psych unit; however, I don’t end up going. I know that I’m not going to do anything, but the thoughts keep running through my mind. I wish I could take a break from my mind. If only that were possible.

Halloween

Halloween

Halloween is here, whether I like it or not. Halloween is a holiday that has bothered me for a long time. I don’t like people I don’t know knocking on my door. I also don’t like walking around town with strangers, especially when people are dressed up in costumes so I don’t know who is who.

My husband is going trick or treating with our 2-year-old granddaughter, who is dressing up in a my little pony costume. They will be going as a group including my husband, mother-in-law, step-daughter, her boyfriend, and their kid (our granddaughter). Instead of committing myself to something I’m unsure about, I told them that I don’t know if I will be going or not. They think it’s because of my allergies and not feeling well, but it’s really because of my anxiety and PTSD.

I definitely will miss seeing our granddaughter experience Halloween, but I decided that it’s not a good idea to put myself through the anxiety. Instead, I will most likely stay home with my dog. My neighborhood (HOA) does not hand out candy, so there shouldn’t be anyone knocking on my door. I hope that everything goes okay.

Allergies and Depression

For more than a week now, I have had allergies off and on that are extremely annoying. I don’t remember having allergies when I was growing up, but then again, I don’t remember much of anything anymore. My symptoms tend to come and go. I’ve been really tired too. I took a two hour nap this evening, and I’m still tired. The allergies on top of the depression is making life even more difficult. I worry about taking OTC allergy meds, I’m not sure if they will react with the meds I’m already on.

Speaking of medication, I have been tapering off of a couple of my meds. I’m already off the Inositol. I finish taking the Mirapex Monday night, and I finish taking the Donepezil Friday night. I’m hoping that I don’t have any bad reactions by coming off these meds.

Problems with Cooking and Food

Problems with Cooking and Food

I have been trying my hardest to help myself feel better, both mentally and physically. Over the past 6 to 8 months, my depression has helped me to gain weight and feel worthless. I’ve lost some weight, but I’ve been stuck at the weight for over a month now. It doesn’t help that I enjoy cooking and eating (of course). Cooking helps me feel useful. It’s something that I’m good at and I even enjoy it. I’ve decided to cut back on my cooking; and when I do cook, I will be cooking healthier. I think that I should try to find another activity that I can do and want to do.

Some Of Life’s Stressful Affairs

Some Of Life’s Stressful Affairs

I can’t believe it, but I actually got my Clozapine prescription filled on the first try. That’s the first time that’s ever happened. Hopefully it will continue like that.

I had plans today to spend time with my husband and his family. First, we grilled some steaks and then played cards with his mother and brother. Then we went to karaoke with his father and brother. I don’t mind doing these things; in fact, I enjoy spending time with my husband’s family. The only part of it that I don’t like is making plans ahead of time. I never know how I’m going to feel when it comes time to follow through with any plans I’ve made, but I guess that’s why I take Valium. Even if I don’t feel up to it, taking medication helps me follow through with plans that I’ve made.

I know that my depression has been weighing on my husband. He already has enough on his mind. Between his mom’s cancer, his brother’s possible heart problem, and his own back problems, he has enough to deal with. The fact that he cares about me is wonderful, but I feel like I’m a downer on life in general; I’m just putting a bigger strain on life. I hate being a drag to others. I wish there was a way around all of this, but there isn’t. So, I just have to accept life the way it is, and maybe things will improve over time.

Handling Memory Loss

Handling Memory Loss

Memory loss is a side effect I’ve been experiencing from ECT. I have been on 2 medications to help with memory loss for several months now. When I saw my psychiatrist, I told him that my memory is not improving or stabilizing; at least not from what I can remember. He told me that for his patients that have been on these medications successfully definitely noticed a change. If I wasn’t sure if the meds were helping or not, then they most likely weren’t helpful. So, I’m tapering off of Donepezil and I should be off it completely in under two weeks.

I wonder if there’s anything that can help my memory. If the medications I’ve been trying aren’t helping, what’s the next step? I already write everything down and even record certain things when need be. However, ECT continues to screw with my memory. It appears as if my memory will just continue getting worse because I’m doing ECT once every two weeks.

I wish I could stop ECT. It feels as if my mind and body can’t take much more of it. However, I know that if I stop now, with nothing to replace it, then I’ll slip further into my depression. So instead, I continue to go along with what my psychiatrist wants me to do, as long as he explains the reasons why he wants me to do each specific treatment.

Support From Others

Support From Others

I believe that I’m fortunate for having so much support from my family and friends. However, I have some people who want to understand, but they don’t. They ask me questions such as, “Why are you depressed?” or “What’s wrong?” and I have no clue how to answer them. I’m depressed because I am, not because of something that happened (at least most of the time). I honestly feel that people can’t understand bipolar disorder unless they experience it themselves, and I don’t wish that upon anyone. Nonetheless, I’m lucky to have people in my life that support me and try to understand. They are open to learning and they listen to what I have to say.