Category: Mania

Excessive Talking Causes Problems

Excessive Talking Causes Problems

Everything I do is wrong, at least that’s how I feel. I just can’t make the people I want happy. I’ve felt like this for a long time now, so why do I keep trying? I’m sure it’s all in my head, but feeling like this on a regular basis is depleting. At least I’m aware of my irrational bipolar symptoms such as this one. I know deep down that I’m not doing everything wrong and making everyone unhappy; awareness is helpful to me.

It’s hard enough to do that when I’m not in a bipolar episode, how can I expect myself to do everything ‘right’ in the mixed episode I’m currently experiencing. One of the symptoms I’ve been dealing with is excessive talking, even to people I normally wouldn’t talk to. I’m constantly afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing or something inappropriate. I’ve done it before, so I’m sure I will do it again. The problem is that I can’t always control what comes out of my mouth. I try to stop myself from talking as much, but it doesn’t seem to have any effect.

It would be one thing if what I was saying made any sense, but it doesn’t. I struggle to stay on one topic. There are so many thoughts running through my head at one time,  I seem to bounce from subject to subject. I also tend to forget what I’m saying altogether. All of these things make normal conversations very difficult and generally unpleasant for the other person involved.

I think this blog is helping me get out some of my thoughts. I’m hoping it helps me reduce the amount of crap I convey to others. Writing can be a theraputic tool. I’ve never liked it, but at this point, I’ll try anything.

I Can’t Stop Moving

I Can’t Stop Moving

Last night I actually slept a combined total of 7 hours. For weeks now, I’ve only been getting 4 to 5 hours a night. So when I woke up this morning, I thought maybe I would feel more like myself. I was wrong. I know the signs of depression and the signs of mania. I generally experience one or the other, but I can tell now that I’m definitely in a mixed episode.

Mixed states of bipolar are when a person has both depressive and manic symptoms. My symptoms include a lack of sleep, talking faster and more often, being extremely active, increased anxiety/panic attacks, suicidal ideations, and hopelessness. Currently, my biggest issue is that I can’t stop moving, I can’t sit still. While this can be positive because I’m extremely productive, it also interferes with daily living. I’m completing all of my normal errands and tasks, and I’m adding in a bunch of new things to do. I’ve organized the closets and cabinets, cleaned the blinds, moved the furniture to clean underneath, took the vacuum apart to clean inside of it, leveled all of the framed pictures in the house, cleaned the hangers to remove all dust, and cleaned the ceiling fans. These are just some of the things I’ve done in the past 2 days in addition to my normal activities. It’s because I can’t sit still, mentally or physically.

Today, I went to a meeting to celebrate someone’s 2 years of sobriety. I was concerned how my body would react to sitting still for an hour. My right leg trembled uncontrollably for the entire hour. I kept telling myself that I could do it, don’t panic. My husband, sitting next to me, pressed on my leg trying to stop it from shaking; of course, this didn’t do a thing. Even now, as I type , I’m rocking back and forth. Sitting still is impossible. Even on Valium, I can’t relax how I should be able to. I think that maybe, if I’m active enough, I’ll be able to calm down. I don’t know what else to do.