Category: PTSD

Talk Therapy: Difficult Yet Beneficial

Talk Therapy: Difficult Yet Beneficial

There are many forms of therapy that are known to help individuals with bipolar disorder and other mental health illnesses. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical-behavioral therapy (DBT), interpersonal therapy, psychotherapy (talk therapy) and family-focused therapy are just some examples. Therapy is a vital aspect of bipolar disorder treatment. I have been using therapy as a tool since I was 14 years old. As long as you have the right therapist, it is very helpful. The way I found the right therapist was just by trial and error. It was difficult, but I ended up very happy with my final choice.

I’m not really sure what form of therapy I’m using right now. I go in his office, he sits at a desk and I sit on the other side, it’s very informal and I like that. We have some things in common, for example, he is also from the east coast. I’m very comfortable with him and I’m comfortable in his office in general. Basically, I talk about what’s happening now, what happened in the past, and my fears, and he points out some patterns that I never noticed. Then, he provides some solutions and even gives me small easy steps to take to achieve these solutions. He holds me accountable. I suppose you could say that he helps me find and use tools to deal with situations that I encounter. He also helps me to have healthier relationships with anyone/everyone I know. He knows my triggers and makes sure to always respect them and my boundaries.

It took me a few years to be able to talk about the abusive relationship I was in. But one day, only a few months ago, I finally opened up. He was great about it. I didn’t feel judged or looked down upon. He doesn’t bring up certain aspects of it because he knows how much of a trigger it is for me. I think that the type of therapy I use is talk therapy, also called psychotherapy, but I could be wrong. No matter what, the therapy that I do is helpful; I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t. Therapy is very difficult; it’s hard to talk about your life, problems, and difficult situations, especially face to face with another person. If you can get past these difficulties and the fears of talking about some of your most sensitive issues with a stranger, you will gain the benefits at some point, just hang in there.

Living With Anxiety

Living With Anxiety

Living with any type of anxiety disorder is one of the hardest things a person with mental illnesses can deal with; at least that’s how it is for me. There are many forms of anxiety disorders including Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety/Phobias, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Personally, I live and struggle with PTSD due to an abusive relationship that occurred 13 years ago. No matter how much I try to get past everything, I still have flashbacks, fears of anyone I don’t know (especially men),  I have a hard time relaxing, I frighten very easily, I avoid anything new, I struggle to sleep, when I do sleep I have nightmares, and I have portions of the abusive time that are mostly a blackout. These are only some of the symptoms I deal with; it’s a huge battle that I fight every day. Sometimes I feel absurd because of how much my anxiety runs my life. I do the best that I can to continue to live my life, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

One of my biggest difficulties is that I do not like having anyone behind me. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder to see if I’m ‘safe’, just so I have a moment to breathe. This makes running errands, such as grocery shopping, very strenuous. It doesn’t really matter where I am, as long as I’m outside of my house, this is a major issue. I wish I had eyes in the back of my head. Also, my therapist tells me that I behave certain ways in all types of relationships, such as giving without thinking of myself, because of the past abusive relationship. I even had over a year long period where I could not handle touching others. Now, I can shake hands with someone if necessary without having an anxiety attack, but it still terrifies me. If I know a person well enough, such as family or close friends, I am even able to hug them. This is a huge amount of progress.

Living with anxiety is about knowing your own boundaries; what helps you, and what makes things worse. Since I don’t like people behind me, my husband generally walks behind me in public, this helps me feel safe because I know he wouldn’t let anyone hurt me. Sometimes when we’re in public, he will hold onto my belt loop or vise versa, also helping me feel safe and comfortable. Benzodiazepines, such as Valium, are very useful, but I try to only take them when absolutely necessary. Everything I do, even just getting mail from the mailbox, has potential for an anxiety attack. I can’t just walk outside without thinking of all the possibilities. I look out the window first to see if anyone is coming, when the coast is clear I go as quickly as possible to the mailbox hoping that I can go unseen.

I am always trying to find new ways to help deal with my anxiety. Knowing my triggers and boundaries is a huge part of managing my anxiety. I do the best that I can every day and try not to let my anxiety run my life. That’s easier said than done, however; it’s easier for me because I have so much support from my loved ones. I control what I can and try to prepare myself for the rest. I have thought about getting a therapy dog. One that could sense when I’m having an anxiety or panic attack and help calm me down, or sense my nerves and stand watch to make me feel safer. Therapy dogs can do so much good; it’s something I want to look into for the future as another tool to manage my PTSD.

 

Anxiety and Panic Attacks Changing

Anxiety and Panic Attacks Changing

I have been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for many years. I go through periods where they happen more often, and then I’m lucky enough to go through some periods where they decrease. I have learned that I need to accept the fact that they are a part of my life; the more I accept them, the easier they are to get through. I’m not saying they’re easy, just easier. It’s probably because I can recognize when I’m having an attack and do some of the things that help me feel safe. For example, I try to go somewhere I can be alone or only with people I’m extremely comfortable with. If this isn’t possible, I sit or stand with my back to a corner. I’m afraid someone is going to come up behind me, but if I’m sitting in a corner, then I know it’s not a possibility. If I’m in public, my husband will walk or stand behind me when I have an attack, that way I know the only person behind me is him, and he would never let anyone hurt me. Basically, I just try to put myself in situations that allow me to be comfortable. I’ve developed many different strategies over the years to help in almost any situation.

For a little while, I thought my attacks were lessening. Some of my symptoms were not occurring as often and some of them not at all. However, I had new symptoms begin, but I thought that they were physical health problems. I would get chest pains that would last for quite a while and my left arm, hand, and fingers would become numb and tingly. I assumed it was a heart problem. I told my psychiatrist eventually, and he asked me to get checked out. I did a full cardio and neurological exam and everything came back fine, but the symptoms never went away. I opened my mind to the idea that my anxiety and panic attack symptoms could have changed. It didn’t seem right to me, but that’s when I noticed that some of my previous symptoms were gone. I no longer get dizzy, nauseous, or have hot flashes. Some of the symptoms that I’ve had for years, such as trouble breathing, trembling, and overwhelming terror still occur, except now they happen with the new symptoms of chest pains and a tingling arm. It took quite some time for me to determine any pattern with the new symptoms, but I do see now that they along with some of the old symptoms.

I didn’t think it was possible to have the types of symptoms I experience with my anxiety and panic attacks to change over time. At least now I am aware of my symptoms again. This provides me with the ability to get to a comfortable place when the symptoms first start, which in turn helps to reduce the severity of my attacks. It also helps so I don’t end up having attacks in public places, at least for the most part. I’m curious to find out if others have experienced this same type of change.

Pushing Your Limits

Pushing Your Limits

Knowing your limitations is just as important as pushing yourself to do things outside of your comfort zone. This is an aspect where I really struggle. I like routine; knowing exactly what I’m supposed to do and when brings me comfort. For me, the unknown, which includes anything new, is terrifying. It happens to be one of my PTSD triggers, which almost always causes an anxiety or panic attack. If it were up to me, I would do the same things every day; I would never go anywhere new and talk to anyone I don’t know.

Lucky for me (even though it may not feel like that at the time due to my fear), my husband is there to encourage me to branch out in many ways. Tonight, he got me to go to a bar and play darts with a couple of our friends. My first thought was, ‘How can he expect me to go to a bar where there are a lot of people?’ I felt angry, but I was really just afraid. I did everything I could to not go to the bar, but in the end, I went. Mainly because I can’t say no, it’s something I’m working on. So I went, and of course, I was extremely anxious. I couldn’t stand still. I had a hard time staying aware of everything that was going on around me. So I took a Valium, which helped calm me down but did not get rid of the restlessness. We played darts, and to my surprise, I enjoyed a large portion of the evening. While some moments were extremely frustrating, most of the time was manageable.

I went through just about every emotion this evening, which is exhausting and quite a bit overwhelming. But the most important part, is that I did it. I left the house and went somewhere that was unfamiliar to me. I faced a fear and pushed my limits. It doesn’t work out every time I try something like this, but it did this time. I feel a sense of pride for making it through the night and managing my anxiety attack in public. But I don’t see myself doing that again anytime soon. It’s important to have a balanced life in order to be healthy (in some way, despite the Bipolar and PTSD). I know I can’t have a healthy life if I only leave the house to go to the grocery store.

I want to express gratitude for my husband that pushes me to branch out in many different ways. Even though sometimes it’s too much, there are some times that he is right. Everything he does comes from a place of love. I’m lucky to have him. Having the man I love stand by me through all of my vast emotions makes me an abundantly fortunate woman.