I’m sitting at a gate in the airport. It’s not even the gate that my flight leaves out of. It was the empty gate when I got here, so I thought that it would be a good place for me to sit. I don’t like crowds, especially when people are all around me, including behind me. I was sitting for less than 5 minutes, when suddenly everyone else thought that the area I was in would be a great place to hang out. UGH!
I made it through security alright. Granted, I did forget to take my laptop out and remove my phone from my pocket. The excuse that I’m using is that I’m taking a red-eye flight and I’m simply overly tired. That’s a good excuse.
I have decided to take only some of my night meds. I don’t want to take my Clozapine because that knocks me out cold. If that happens, then if someone next to me touches me or if the fight attendants wake me up for some reason, I would wake up terrified. Plus, the Clozapine makes me drool (so annoying). And I don’t mean I drool a little bit. It’s a lot. Way too much. So I will take my night meds, minus my Clozapine, and add in a Valium. So that’s the plan. I guess I will let you all know tomorrow how this all went. I’m hoping for the best (at least I’m going into it with a positive attitude).
The past couple days have been pretty difficult. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. I’m doing these things because I know that they would help my husband and mother-in-law. I know I don’t have to do these things. It’s my choice. I’m choosing to do them because I think it’s a way for me to love and support my husband and mother-in-law.
Saturday night, my husband asked me if I wanted to go play darts. I got ready and took a Valium. My husband really just needed to get out of the house. We had a good time. We met his best friend there and got to meet his new girlfriend, who we both like. The hardest part was walking into the bar and through crowds. I was okay once we got to the dart boards. There were a lot of people there. My husband was very helpful. He made sure to always hold my hand when we were moving around and he stood behind me when there were other people standing behind me.
This morning, I decided to go to church. It’s a Christian church. Again, I took a Valium because I knew this would be more than difficult. I knew it would make my mother-in-law very happy, and it did. About half of it was singing. My husband told me a few times that I could sing along (almost everyone did), but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sing along with words that I don’t believe in. Honestly, I have no clue what I believe in. I know that there is a power greater than myself; I’m obviously not all-powerful. However, that’s really all I know and believe at this point.
Going to church today really made my mother-in-law happy. It put a huge smile on her face. She even thanked me for coming and acknowledged how difficult it must have been for me to do so. I’ve been trying to figure out why I decided to go to church. I’m not sure if this is a reason or not, but I chose to go because no one ever asked me to going. Everyone knows I have a hard time with church and God. I wasn’t pushed into doing something I didn’t want to do. I was accepted for who I am, and that’s why I went. I’m not sure if I will go again or not. Right now, I’m completely overwhelmed with life. I wish there was a way to simply pause everything.
I went to a new salon today to get my eyebrows waxed. I did some research and found out that their slowest time of the day is between 2pm and 3pm, so that’s when I went. The store is in a retirement community, so the people there will not make me as nervous as other younger individuals. I still had to take a Valium in order to go, but I did really good while I was there. The woman who I worked with was really nice and easy to understand. I plan on going back there from now on whenever I need anything done by a salon.
There is also a grocery store right next door to this salon. It’s a Bashas’ grocery store, and I know those stores because that’s where we went grocery shopping when I was in an alcohol/drug treatment center. I think I could possible be comfortable going to this grocery store. Plus, it’s a lot closer to our house than where’s I’m currently going. Maybe I’ll have my husband come with me the first time, just to make me feel a little safer.
I’m proud of myself for finally trying to go somewhere new. Anything new is extremely difficult for me, but I’m glad I’m not giving up.
My back is feeling better from yesterday’s ECT treatment, which I’m very grateful for. I decided I could go on with my day of doing errands, cleaning up the house, and working out. I started with short Zumba video. They’re pretty fun and they work very well. My husband called while I was in the middle of the video to tell me about an estate sale just up the road that he really wanted me to go to. We’re looking for some bedroom furniture, especially nightstands. Some of our stuff broke during the move.
I felt pressured into going, so I told him I wasn’t sure if I could make it. To be honest, I was saying that so I had out. I was terrified at the thought of going. There were going to be so many people in one small house (a house and people who I don’t even know at all), I just wasn’t sure if I could do it. I took a Valium and did some stuff around the house, waiting for it to kick in. Finally, it started working. I drove over to the estate sale and parked out-of-the-way. I stayed in my car for a while, but eventually I went in.
I looked around everywhere and tried to be polite to the people I passed. This whole situation was overwhelming, especially since I didn’t end up buying anything. However, I did it, I went by myself. That’s a huge step for me. I thought my heart was going to explode the entire time, but I made it through!
My husband and I went away for a day (almost a day, it was more like 20 hours). My brother-in-law stayed at our house with Achilles. The two of them had a great time together while we were gone.
We went to Flagstaff to go to part of the 2017 Flagstaff AA Roundup. The idea of going was much more exciting a few weeks ago. The closer it got to actually going to the event, the worse my anxiety got. We went Saturday night only for a couple of hours. I took Valium, and it didn’t even reduce my anxiety the slightest bit. I pushed myself and made myself stay for a couple of hours. I’m glad I did, but at the same time I know that I probably pushed myself too far because my anxiety is still hanging around.
Then on Sunday morning, we went to the Arizona Snowbowl, which is a scenic ski lift. It was beautiful. When we reached the top, it was 11,500 feet elevation. The view was amazingly beautiful. After that, we drove home. I was so happy to see Achilles when we got home. Our trip wasn’t much. It didn’t last long, but something is better than nothing. It’s important to get away every once in a while, even if it’s just for a day.
I hope everyone had a happy Memorial Day. I want to thank all of those who served in our military and their families. I have a lot of memories of Memorial Day parades and barbecues. I’m trying to be productive and useful today.
I’ve been talking about getting my hair cut for months now. I haven’t had it done in over a year. I don’t remember where I normally get my hair cut because of my hair loss. Because of that, I’m too nervous to go somewhere new and have someone I don’t know stand behind me with scissors, so my solution was to just ignore the need for a haircut. Today, my husband offered to take me where he goes and to go with me. I really needed a haircut. My hair was almost down to the skinniest part of my waist. Now, my hair is almost shoulder length. I cut a lot off. It’s so much easier to deal with and it’s so much cooler in this Arizona summer heat. I was afraid to get my hair cut, but I faced my fear and went through with it, with my husband by my side, and it wasn’t all that scary.
I don’t know why, but for some reason I always remember the things I don’t want to remember and I forget the things I do want to remember. Why do I always remember the things/events that cause me anxiety and pain? I wish I could change that. I would like to remember things that would allow my life to be a little easier, but that’s not going to happen. For example, I asked the bug inspector guy lots of questions when he was at my house. He answered all of my questions thoroughly, and I can’t remember any of his answers. Now I need to call him and ask him some of those questions again.
I get nervous when I need to make phone calls to anyone other than family. I don’t want this added anxiety. My heart races when I have to talk to someone I don’t know, whether it’s on the phone or in person. When will this ever go away?