I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I keep feeling like I won’t be able to make it through the day, but I continue to push myself. I’m just trying to get through each day, one hour at a time. Every moment that I make it through is a huge accomplishment.
I suppose that since my husband is struggling with his mother’s cancer diagnosis and he’s worried about his brother, I feel like I need to be stronger. I know that if I were to say this to my husband, he would disagree. I know he only wants what’s best for me, but I can’t help but feel this way.
I pretend to be stronger than I really am, but pretending can only take me so far. However, with every passing day, I feel as if I’m getting worse. Every day for the past month, at least, I’ve thought about going to a psych unit; however, I don’t end up going. I know that I’m not going to do anything, but the thoughts keep running through my mind. I wish I could take a break from my mind. If only that were possible.
Halloween is here, whether I like it or not. Halloween is a holiday that has bothered me for a long time. I don’t like people I don’t know knocking on my door. I also don’t like walking around town with strangers, especially when people are dressed up in costumes so I don’t know who is who.
My husband is going trick or treating with our 2-year-old granddaughter, who is dressing up in a my little pony costume. They will be going as a group including my husband, mother-in-law, step-daughter, her boyfriend, and their kid (our granddaughter). Instead of committing myself to something I’m unsure about, I told them that I don’t know if I will be going or not. They think it’s because of my allergies and not feeling well, but it’s really because of my anxiety and PTSD.
I definitely will miss seeing our granddaughter experience Halloween, but I decided that it’s not a good idea to put myself through the anxiety. Instead, I will most likely stay home with my dog. My neighborhood (HOA) does not hand out candy, so there shouldn’t be anyone knocking on my door. I hope that everything goes okay.
I can’t believe it, but I actually got my Clozapine prescription filled on the first try. That’s the first time that’s ever happened. Hopefully it will continue like that.
I had plans today to spend time with my husband and his family. First, we grilled some steaks and then played cards with his mother and brother. Then we went to karaoke with his father and brother. I don’t mind doing these things; in fact, I enjoy spending time with my husband’s family. The only part of it that I don’t like is making plans ahead of time. I never know how I’m going to feel when it comes time to follow through with any plans I’ve made, but I guess that’s why I take Valium. Even if I don’t feel up to it, taking medication helps me follow through with plans that I’ve made.
I know that my depression has been weighing on my husband. He already has enough on his mind. Between his mom’s cancer, his brother’s possible heart problem, and his own back problems, he has enough to deal with. The fact that he cares about me is wonderful, but I feel like I’m a downer on life in general; I’m just putting a bigger strain on life. I hate being a drag to others. I wish there was a way around all of this, but there isn’t. So, I just have to accept life the way it is, and maybe things will improve over time.
Clozapine (Clozaril) can be a frustrating medication to be on. You have to get blood work done every month just to be safe because the medication can have some serious side effects. I’ve never had any problems with the possible serious side effects from Clozapine, but I have had problems getting the actual prescription filled every month for the past year.
I go and get my blood work done (on time, like I’m supposed to), but the pharmacy I go to does not have it together. They always deny getting my lab results, so I end up calling the lab and having them re-send the blood work results. The pharmacy has even told me a couple of times that they weren’t there when the lab faxed over my results, which is why they don’t have them. That is complete crap. Even if my results were faxed over in the middle of the night, they should be there waiting for the pharmacy when they open.
Yesterday, I thought I found a new pharmacy. I talked to the pharmacist, and they were able to register me in the Clozapine database; however, they could not accept blood work results from the lab. So, it looks like I’m going to be staying at the same pharmacy I’ve been struggling with for the past year. I guess, I’m just going to have a sit down with the pharmacist and see if I can get everything figured out.
I had another ECT treatment today. It feels like I’m going to have to do this forever. I stopped doing it at one time, and my depression just worsened quickly. Then I had to restart everything. When I restarted, I had to do 2 treatments a week for 4 weeks (at least that’s better then 3 times a week), then once a week for 6 weeks, and since then I’ve been going once every other week. I’m not so sure how well it’s working right now. My depression pretty deep, and my suicidal ideations are almost constant. Even when I try to ignore them or think positively, those thoughts are still there. Even though it doesn’t feel like ECT and all of my meds are working, I know that if I stopped either one of them, either my depression would plummet horribly or I’d go into a major manic episode.
Over this past week, especially the past couple days, my dystonia has gotten a lot worse. I brought it up to my psychiatrist this morning before ECT. He asked me several questions that I answered, but he never gave me a solution. My husband reminded me to email him about it, which I did as soon as I got home. He asked me for a list of all my medications, prescription and OTC, which I gave him right away. Now I’m just waiting for him to call something into the pharmacy for me. Hopefully, whatever he prescribes will help this go away. I can’t stand it much longer.
I have been home for five days now, and I still haven’t gone grocery shopping or done laundry. I plan on doing that stuff every day, but for some good reasons, they keep getting pushed to the next day. Yesterday, my husband and I spent the entire day with his mother getting a second opinion on her cancer. We are very grateful that we went there. The Mayo Clinic was wonderful.
Today, we’re having someone come and spray in and outdoors. I think we’re having it done 4 times a year, just to be safe. I keep finding crickets around the house, so I know it’s necessary.
I have to get my monthly Clozapine blood work done soon. I have enough meds to get me through for another 9 days. Instead of pushing myself way too hard, I will make an appointment for Monday and allow myself to catch up on everything else that I missed while I was away.
Vacation is over. I’m on my way home today. I was worried about checking my bag. It seemed to be extremely heavy. I thought that it was going to be over the 50lb limit. I had no scale to measure it with. Luckily, when I weighed it at the airport, it only weighed 47lbs. Then, I surprisingly went straight through security in the airport without getting stopped by anyone.
I’m early for my flight. I would rather be early than late. I sit down near my gate but far enough away so I’m basically alone. I’m about to be on a 6 hour flight with people all around me. I’ve decided to have as much alone time as possible. I found a group of chairs up against a wall that are off on their own with no one in them. Granted, they are about 30 feet away from the restrooms, but at least no one is coming to sit near me and start a conversation.
I had a great vacation, and I don’t want to leave, however; at the same time, I’m really looking forward to going home. The thing that I really like about this vacation, and pretty much any vacation, is the time I get to spend with my mom. Since she lives so far way from me (about 2,500 miles), I only get to see her about 2 or 3 times a year. Leaving her is hard, but going back home to my husband is good.