When I woke up this morning, I finally decided to make a much-needed change. I’m not exactly sure what has pushed me to make this decision, but am going to start working on losing some weight and getting healthier. I want to do this for many reasons, but the main reason is because I deserve it.
I’m going to start cooking and eating better. It all starts with a healthy grocery trip, which I did successfully this afternoon. I feel pretty good that I made it through my first day. It wasn’t easy. I’ve even been looking for some healthy recipes I’m willing to make. Most of all, there will be no more eating out of boredom, anger, or any other emotions. I also will be watching my portion sizes.
I expect this to be difficult, but I know I can do it because I’ve done it before, multiple times. I started out with today being a very successful day.
My husband and I took Achilles for a walk last night, as we always do. We wait until late, about 10pm, to make sure it’s cooled off enough for Achilles. The high yesterday was 114 degrees. Even when the temperature cools down, the pavement is still hot and takes extra time to cool off. During our walk, we saw a pack of coyotes, there were three of them. They were about 200 feet away. I’m not scared of one coyote, but when they’re in a pack, they are much more powerful and very scary, at least to me. Luckily, Achilles didn’t notice the coyotes. If he did, he probably would have wanted to investigate. Instead, they pack went on their way, probably hunting rabbits. One of our neighbors let us know that there are coyotes around, but I never thought I would run into a pack, especially at night when we were walking on the main road. I was really nervous for the rest of the walk, but I made it through until we got home. I won’t let this stop me from taking walks. I will just make sure I’m prepared for any issue.
Happy Father’s Day to my dad, my husband, and all of the other fathers out there. Father’s Day is usually a difficult day for me. I lost my father about 14 years ago. He died after being sick for about 6 years. I was 12 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer, and I was 18 years old when he died. It’s still hard. I’m still crying, and I still feel alone at times, but it has improved.
My dad still is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He knew how to be responsible, dependable, and intelligent, while also knowing how to have fun and enjoy life. When I was young, my dad and I were best friends. We would go skiing or flying together, he had a pilot’s license; these were just a couple of the many things we did together. I acted like a jerk for most of the last few years of his life. I was between 12 and 18 years old, so I was acting like a teenager, however; I was also acting like an addict. I regret not being there with my family when my dad died. My biggest regret in my life is that I didn’t get sober until after my father’s death. He never knew me as a sober person.
I’m getting through Father’s Day a bit better than normal. I read some other blogs and they were very helpful. One blog in particular, Father’s Day Memories Blog, reminded me that my father is alive in my memories. I remember one day, my dad woke me up early for school and took me out for the day. We flew out to an amazing mountain and went skiing for the day. I have to keep these wonderful memories I have of my dad alive.
I also spent a good amount of time today being productive. We can finally move stuff back into the house since the bed bug issues is getting under control. It’s like moving into the house all over again. Staying busy keeps my mind occupied. I’ve spent my day thinking of memories with my dad, staying productive, and keeping my mind occupied. It’s still a difficult day for me, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. I think I’m finally learning how to deal with the loss.
The past few days have been pretty rough. My husband hasn’t been feeling well, and we don’t know what’s wrong. At first, we thought it was just the flu. Some blood work came back, and we’re afraid it may be an autoimmune disease, liver disease, or something else more serious. So now, we’re waiting for more blood test results. I hate waiting.
The past few days have been hard for me, even though I’m not the one that’s ill. I keep trying to find ways to help my husband feel better, but there’s nothing that I can do to help. It reminds me of when I was a kid. My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12 or 13. He was pretty sick fairly often, especially from chemo and dialysis. I remember hanging around my dad when he was sick and feeling completely useless. He wasn’t feeling well and there was nothing I could do to help. That same feeling is coming back now. My husband isn’t feeling well, and nothing I do is helping.
As my days continue to go on, I sit here wondering if and when they will end. Life is exhausting and is often too much for me to handle. I honestly wonder how I make it through all of the “events” and each individual “crisis”. Today, I was so overwhelmed when a company said they didn’t have us scheduled for an appointment, even though the technician wrote down our appointment for us. I was so overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and stressed that I started crying. Apparently, when I get to my breaking point, I end up crying (which I hate doing). I was able to manage the situation on my own (that’s a big deal for me). I spoke to the manager and was able to have someone keep the appointment and come out today.
In my life, there seems to be one problem after another, and another, and another, and so on. I just want a break; a few days, strung together, where problems don’t keep arising. I guess I just have to do my best to go with the flow.
All of these problems that have been coming up have been causing my blood pressure to rise. By taking in deep breaths, I was able to bring my blood pressure down 10 points, down to 146/102. For some reason, the physician’s assistant to me that I need to work on lowering my blood pressure. She told me that I need to relax. I couldn’t believe it! Was she kidding me or was she just completely ignorant? She knew all of my diagnoses. Telling someone to “just relax” is absurd. Anyway, I’m trying to bring my blood pressure down, hopefully it will work even the slightest bit.
My husband and I went away for a day (almost a day, it was more like 20 hours). My brother-in-law stayed at our house with Achilles. The two of them had a great time together while we were gone.
We went to Flagstaff to go to part of the 2017 Flagstaff AA Roundup. The idea of going was much more exciting a few weeks ago. The closer it got to actually going to the event, the worse my anxiety got. We went Saturday night only for a couple of hours. I took Valium, and it didn’t even reduce my anxiety the slightest bit. I pushed myself and made myself stay for a couple of hours. I’m glad I did, but at the same time I know that I probably pushed myself too far because my anxiety is still hanging around.
Then on Sunday morning, we went to the Arizona Snowbowl, which is a scenic ski lift. It was beautiful. When we reached the top, it was 11,500 feet elevation. The view was amazingly beautiful. After that, we drove home. I was so happy to see Achilles when we got home. Our trip wasn’t much. It didn’t last long, but something is better than nothing. It’s important to get away every once in a while, even if it’s just for a day.
Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. We had a family get-together at his mother’s house to celebrate. There were 12 people there, two of which were kids. We brought Achilles with us because we didn’t want to leave him home alone. Everyone absolutely loved him! All he did was lay down, sleep, and give people kisses. He is the most mellow dog I have ever known.
I’m actually thinking about seeing if I can register him as a Therapy Dog. I’m not sure what kind of therapy dog would help me the most; maybe an ESA, Emotional Support Animal, or a Psychiatric Service Dog. He would be great at it, and I think it would really help me reduce my anxiety to a manageable level, possibly. It’s something that I’m going to talk to my therapist and psychiatrist about the next time I see both/either of them.
The Psychiatric Service Dog seems like it would be more helpful for me. This type of service dog can help people with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and I am diagnosed with all of those issues. For example, the service dog can create a physical barrier between the owner and others around them, providing the owner with more personal space. The service dog could help me get out of the house more often. These are things that my husband does for me to get me out of the house. Having a dog capable of those things could really get me out into the world.