Yesterday, I found out that we have bed bugs. There’s not a lot of them, so the guy thinks it will be easy to take care of; however, it was just another thing to add to the list of crap that has been happening to us lately. Taking care of this issue is not only extremely expensive, but it takes a lot of work, time, and energy. We have to wash and dry all of the bedding, pillows, drapes, shoes, and clothes (from under the bed, the dresser, and the bottom shelf of the closet). Then everything has to be sealed in plastic bags and put in the garage.
I started doing this yesterday, and then the dryer stopped working. That’s when I lost it. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. My thoughts were so negative with suicidal ideations that wouldn’t go away. My husband ended up coming home two hours early from work. That was a huge help. I finally stopped crying and was able to function. We took everything that had to be washed/dried to the laundromat. We ended up doing 12 loads of laundry all at once. He was so helpful and supportive. Without his assistance, I would have spent the rest of the day crying with horrible thoughts in my head.
We probably got at least half of everything done. I still have more work that has to be done, but I have until Wednesday to finish it all. Hopefully we don’t have any more crises happen in our lives for a little while. I know life will always happen, but I’m hoping for a break from other disasters.
Today is feeling like just another day with depression. No matter what I’m doing, my thoughts are constantly wishing I wasn’t around. My mind keeps telling me a wide variety negative things. I try to find something that I enjoy doing to help me get through the day, I use my wellness toolbox. Today, I’m going to a Coyotes game. I love hockey and I love the Coyotes! We’re playing the LA Kings. Going to the games can be tough because they’re so crowded, but my husband helps me through it all. Only 4 hours until we leave to go to the game. I’m hoping I’ll feel even a little better once I’m watching the game.
There are a few activities that I do that help to keep my brain occupied. I use adult coloring books and a wide variety of puzzles including Sudoku and word searches. However, my favorite puzzles are jigsaw puzzles. I find that my racing thoughts slow down a little bit while working on jigsaw puzzles. My negative thoughts don’t disappear, but they seem more manageable. I don’t have to deal with my overwhelming negative thoughts every second. I let myself get lost in the puzzle. It doesn’t work every time, but it does help most of the times. I can even do jigsaw puzzles on my laptop or my phone. It’s probably the best solution I’ve found in a very long time.
The last couple of times I had expectations for something, I ended up being upset. I’m sick of that happening, so I decided to change my way of thinking. Now, I always prefer to have low or no expectations and be pleasantly surprised than have high expectations and be disappointed. It may not be the normal way to do things, but it works for me. I don’t expect things to go badly, I just try to go into things having no expectations for things at all, good or bad.
Self-esteem is hard to maintain, whether you have any mental health disorders or not. I can’t say how it is for those that don’t, but for me, a woman with bipolar 1 and PTSD, it is really hard to keep up my self-esteem. I tend to blame myself for anything that goes wrong or even slightly incorrect. On top of the every day reasons for my low self-esteem, I even blame myself for my mental health disorders.
Self-esteem is described as respect and confidence in your own abilities. I don’t feel as if I have any good abilities, never mind having any confidence in them. I tell myself to think more of myself and to believe in myself, but it’s easier said than done. I know my family would say something different. It’s easier to see things in other people than it is to see things in yourself.
I’m such a perfectionist, so when I don’t do something perfect, I get down on myself. For example, when I graduated college, I had a 3.94 GPA. All I could think, and still think, is that it’s not a 4.0. I should have had a 4.0. I know that these emotions are unreasonable, but most emotions with bipolar disorder are unreasonable.
I do the best that I can, I have positive influences in my life, and I am appreciative for others (such as my friends and family), but it still doesn’t help me to feel better about myself. I need to find an emotional purpose.
Today, someone is coming to fix the dishwasher. It’s been broken for almost a week, so I’m happy about the idea of having a dishwasher again. However, I do not like the idea of a strange guy in my house. My dog can look scary when he’s barking, but that will only last about one minute before he wants to play and be pet by this stranger. The dog’s no good for protection. Thank goodness my husband will be here. That makes me feel safe. I’m sure the guy coming to fix the dishwasher is a nice guy, but my mind always thinks about ‘what if’ situations.
I’m still feeling like a screw up. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. I keep doing things that I’m good at, hoping to counteract this emotion, but the feeling is still there. It’s an irrational emotion, but it’s what’s going on with me lately. At least I know that this feeling won’t last forever. With my bipolar disorder, I know that no emotion will ever last forever. I will go up and down quite often. So all I need to do is hang on until this horrible feeling goes away.
Pretending to be feeling okay, when you’re not, is exhausting. I do this mostly around my in-laws. I don’t know why. They know about my bipolar disorder and are very supportive. I guess it’s just my comfort level. I’ll open up over time. I’m getting more and more comfortable around them. I think it’s just because we normally spend our time in large groups. I do better one on one.
The past couple of days, I’ve been feeling like a total screw up. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong; I’m feeling shame. There are also some things that I’m avoiding because I know/feel as if I’m going to mess it all up. I don’t know where these feelings are coming from. I’m reading into everything that people say; somehow, I can find negative things about myself when others are talking. The “funny” part about it is that people don’t even have to be talking about me for me to find something negative about myself.
I think a lot of it comes from my weight gain. I look in the mirror, and I automatically feel sad and pathetic. All I see is the person I don’t want to be. I feel like I can’t talk to others properly, I can’t stay organized, I can’t workout well enough, I can’t cook right, I can’t get things done, I just can’t do anything right. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. This overwhelming feeling is taking control of my mind and body.
Even though I know that I don’t do everything wrong, I still feel as if I do. I don’t know why that is. For instance, I know I’m a good cook; so why do I feel like the dinners I’m making suck? I’m also a very organized person, but I feel like my house is unorganized and I don’t know how to fix it. I know the truth, but what I don’t know is why I still feel this way even though I know it’s false.