Right now, I feel like a mess inside. Life is chaotic. I’m getting ready to go back home and I’m almost all packed, but I’m not ready to leave. I wish I could take my mom with me. At the same time, I can’t wait to go home and see my husband. He ended up having a radio frequency ablation on his spine today. I’m still waiting to hear how it went. Waiting is not my best quality, it is making me nervous. I wish I had been there to take him and make sure everything was okay. Maybe I’m being a bit overprotective, but I just want to be sure he has everything he needs. Being a caregiver is something I’m good at.
I went to see my grandma once more before I leave. I have a hard time saying no to anyone, so I ended up staying and having dinner with her. Many of the things she says make no sense at all. I did my best to ignore the ridiculous things she said, but they have stayed with me all evening. At least this time I didn’t snap at her, but I’m still mad at myself for feeling the way I do. I get so frustrated and irritated with her. I don’t know why I’m mad at myself because of how I feel, especially since I was nice to her despite the comments she made and questions she asked.
I also received a phone call from an unknown number yesterday. I answered it thinking it was a doctor; I was waiting for a few calls. Turns out, it was my husband’s ex, the mother of his children. I’ve never spoken with her before and I’ve never wanted to. She was extremely nice to me on the phone, overly nice. From what I hear, she is manipulative and holds things over everyone’s head, even her own children. Once I realized it was her, I started to freak out, but I tried to remain calm and polite on the phone. Why was I so polite? It’s just my automatic reaction. She wants all of us to get together for a meal some time. All I could think of was that I would let my husband know. I hope I never have to have another conversation with her. I told my husband about it right away, and he reacted much better than I did. I wish I could go back in time and not answer that phone call. The situation is tearing me up inside. I don’t really know why, the situation is over. I put the phone number to my automatic reject list, that way I don’t accidentally answer a call from her again.
I don’t feel like I can handle my emotions or life right now. I just feel overwhelmed; I feel like I’m drowning. I’m capable of getting things done and I can fake being okay, but the fact is that I’m not really okay. However, I’ve been pretending I’m okay for so long that it’s just become the natural thing to do. Everything is in chaos and I am defenseless.