While I am writing this mid-flight, I won’t be able to post it until the next day. I’m almost halfway through my flight, and my anxiety is starting to rise. I took a Valium before I boarded the plane because I have a middle seat. I hate sitting in the middle, I feel so crowded and confined. Every time I move, I touch one person or another. After eating something, I tried sleeping. I fell asleep, and I thought I slept a while, but when I woke up, only 15 minutes had passed. For some reason, if I fall asleep after taking Valium, it wears off when I wake up, no matter how short or long the duration of my rest is. I’m curious if that happens to anyone else. If that does happen to you, please tell me so I know I’m not alone.
The Valium has worn off and there’s still 2 ½ hours left on the flight. I tried playing Sudoku for a little while, but I can’t concentrate because I keep accidentally bumping into other people that I don’t know. So I thought I would take out my computer and do a little writing. I need to do something, anything, to occupy my mind. I’m trying so hard to stay relaxed and keep my anxiety down. I’m saying positive phrases in my head. You can do this; you’re already half-way there. However, this is not helping. My mind just keeps freaking out every few minutes. I’m holding it all in. By the way, I’m not afraid of flying. The problem is being surrounded by strangers and crowed; every time I move, I touch someone. It might be time to take another Valium. It has been about 4 hours since my last dose, and I felt the effects of that dose wear off already.
I normally don’t take my Valium as often as I’m allowed to. I can take 10mg twice a day; however, most days I don’t take any. A one month supply usually lasts me anywhere from 2 to 4 months. I take it when necessary, like when I leave my house. I don’t go out very often except to run errands.
I’m able to calm myself a little bit while I wait for the meds to kick in. I control my breathing, which allows me to lower my heart rate. I look out the window and see the beautiful clouds. I think about being with my family later tonight. All of these things help me stay calm. A couple years ago, I never would have thought that I could get myself through an anxiety attack without freaking out all of the people around me. I can recognize the fact that my anxiety is up and do a few things, as written above, to help me get through. And the best part is that no one around me has to know what’s going on, so I don’t feel pathetic. I recognize the progress.
After my flight, I had to take a 2 hour bus ride to get where I want to go. The bus was silent and simple. Stepping down off the bus, I see my mom standing there with both my nieces and my nephew. It was after midnight, and they all stayed up to greet me as I arrived. They made me feel special. The hassle of traveling is definitely worth it.