I don’t quite understand why the days go by so quickly, but the weeks and months seem to drag on and on. I keep trying to get everything done on my daily to do lists. I keep trying, even though I’m not always successful. Blogging is one of my daily tasks that I don’t seem able to complete, but at least I’m doing it today.
I feel like I’m doing a lot better since I started the IV Ketamine. I do the treatments every other week at this point. I’m actually interested in doing all sorts of activities and I enjoy myself when doing them. I feel better about myself in general and my negative thoughts have decreased a large amount. I hope it keeps going this way, improving bit by bit.
I’m sitting at a gate in the airport. It’s not even the gate that my flight leaves out of. It was the empty gate when I got here, so I thought that it would be a good place for me to sit. I don’t like crowds, especially when people are all around me, including behind me. I was sitting for less than 5 minutes, when suddenly everyone else thought that the area I was in would be a great place to hang out. UGH!
I made it through security alright. Granted, I did forget to take my laptop out and remove my phone from my pocket. The excuse that I’m using is that I’m taking a red-eye flight and I’m simply overly tired. That’s a good excuse.
I have decided to take only some of my night meds. I don’t want to take my Clozapine because that knocks me out cold. If that happens, then if someone next to me touches me or if the fight attendants wake me up for some reason, I would wake up terrified. Plus, the Clozapine makes me drool (so annoying). And I don’t mean I drool a little bit. It’s a lot. Way too much. So I will take my night meds, minus my Clozapine, and add in a Valium. So that’s the plan. I guess I will let you all know tomorrow how this all went. I’m hoping for the best (at least I’m going into it with a positive attitude).
I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all are able to be with and/or talk to your loved ones on this special day. I leave at 2:30pm to go to our cousin’s house, where there will be a lot of people. I’ll let you know how I do when I get home. I have several coping mechanisms that I can use if my anxiety gets to be too much. I’m going in with a positive attitude.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
I got a lot done today. It feels like the first day in a while that I’ve been this productive. I cleaned the whole house and ran some errands. I still want to cook dinner, but I don’t know if I have it in me to do it. It feels like for every one task I get done, there are three more to add to my list and complete. Life is way too stressful right now. Maybe it’s just because of the holidays, maybe it’s just a phase, who knows anymore. I’m doing the best I can to get through each day. I would say that I did a pretty good job today. I hope to keep it up for tomorrow.
Pretending to be positive about things is more exhausting than I thought it was. It works, but it is extremely tiring. I am planning on going back to the support group I tried out last week. I need to go there regularly in order to get used to it. Once I get used to this group, I really think that there’s a good chance of it being helpful in multiple ways. There’s another group that’s not too far from my house that I’ve thought about going to on Tuesday nights.I think I’m going to try one new and scary thing at a time. It is nice to know that there are others out there just like me who are willing to be there for each other.
I also had a hard time getting my 2 week prescription of Clozapine. I’ll know later today if and when I can pick up the prescription. I’m not very happy with Walgreens right now.
Lately, I find myself talking out loud. I’m talking to myself, saying things such as, “You can do this. You’re giving it all you got. Just keep trying, it will work out.” I suppose that recently, I’ve been needing to convince myself that I can successfully do various things. Whether it’s going to the new support group last week, going to the very crowded state fair, or doing the juicing fast, I find that telling myself I can do these things has been extremely helpful to my success. I supposed it’s a form of positive thinking. Even when I don’t really believe in myself, saying positive things over and over is a way to convince myself of good things.
There’s no harm in trying. Lately, I’ve been trying a lot of new and different things. Some of these things have been terrifying and anxiety provoking, and others have just simply been difficult. Even if I don’t complete all of these tasks that I’m starting, at least I’m trying. I’ll never be able to complete any new accomplishments without first trying.
Vacation continues to go well. My sister, her husband, and their kids left. It was great to see all of them, we had a wonderful visit. That leaves just me and my mom! That’s my favorite part. We can do anything or nothing together and we always get along, everything with the two of us is always simple. We got my weekly blood work done this morning and informed the pharmacy that they should be receiving my blood work results soon. My mom helped me get the courage to go in and talk to the pharmacist, and it all worked out perfectly.
During lunch, one of the things we talked about was how I struggle to say ‘no’ to anyone. She pointed out that I said no to a couple of things such as no more ECT treatments and no to IV Ketamine treatments. It’s so difficult for me to say no; I can’t do it without an anxiety attack. My mom suggested that instead of saying I can’t say no, say “I haven’t been able to say no very often” or “I have not yet perfected the art of saying no”. My mom always has a great perspective and input.
I know that when I say things in a negative manner, it makes that part of life harder. If I work at saying things in a positive way, it helps me actually be positive. I’m going to work at saying these things along with other positive thinking.