Day One: Enjoying Myself

Day One: Enjoying Myself

It’s my first day of vacation, and things are going pretty well so far. I went to the beach with my family. Normally, I just lay on the beach and don’t go in the water. I don’t like the water; it doesn’t matter if it’s the ocean, a lake, or even a pool, I’m just not a fan. I think it’s because I’m uncomfortable in a bathing suit around anyone and everyone. It was so hot out today, and I went into the ocean all the way up to my stomach. I was so proud of myself. I even had my mom take a picture so I have proof when I tell my husband about it.

I only stayed on the beach for about an hour or so; I don’t want to get a sunburn on day one. Now, I get to relax in the cottage, spend some quality time with my nephew, and maybe even take a quick nap (I still haven’t adjusted to the 3 hour time change). Then, we all had a nice evening out. We went to a great restaurant, did some shopping, and then went to get ice cream. I’m happy to be here with my family. I just wish my husband was here with me, but he’ll come out here with me next year.

Mid-Flight Travels

Mid-Flight Travels

While I am writing this mid-flight, I won’t be able to post it until the next day. I’m almost halfway through my flight, and my anxiety is starting to rise. I took a Valium before I boarded the plane because I have a middle seat. I hate sitting in the middle, I feel so crowded and confined. Every time I move, I touch one person or another. After eating something, I tried sleeping. I fell asleep, and I thought I slept a while, but when I woke up, only 15 minutes had passed. For some reason, if I fall asleep after taking Valium, it wears off when I wake up, no matter how short or long the duration of my rest is. I’m curious if that happens to anyone else. If that does happen to you, please tell me so I know I’m not alone.

The Valium has worn off and there’s still 2 ½ hours left on the flight. I tried playing Sudoku for a little while, but I can’t concentrate because I keep accidentally bumping into other people that I don’t know. So I thought I would take out my computer and do a little writing. I need to do something, anything, to occupy my mind. I’m trying so hard to stay relaxed and keep my anxiety down. I’m saying positive phrases in my head. You can do this; you’re already half-way there. However, this is not helping. My mind just keeps freaking out every few minutes. I’m holding it all in. By the way, I’m not afraid of flying. The problem is being surrounded by strangers and crowed; every time I move, I touch someone. It might be time to take another Valium. It has been about 4 hours since my last dose, and I felt the effects of that dose wear off already.

I normally don’t take my Valium as often as I’m allowed to. I can take 10mg twice a day; however, most days I don’t take any. A one month supply usually lasts me anywhere from 2 to 4 months. I take it when necessary, like when I leave my house. I don’t go out very often except to run errands.

I’m able to calm myself a little bit while I wait for the meds to kick in. I control my breathing, which allows me to lower my heart rate. I look out the window and see the beautiful clouds. I think about being with my family later tonight. All of these things help me stay calm. A couple years ago, I never would have thought that I could get myself through an anxiety attack without freaking out all of the people around me. I can recognize the fact that my anxiety is up and do a few things, as written above, to help me get through. And the best part is that no one around me has to know what’s going on, so I don’t feel pathetic. I recognize the progress.

After my flight, I had to take a 2 hour bus ride to get where I want to go. The bus was silent and simple. Stepping down off the bus, I see my mom standing there with both my nieces and my nephew. It was after midnight, and they all stayed up to greet me as I arrived. They made me feel special. The hassle of traveling is definitely worth it.

Traveling All Day

I’m at the airport and already through security. For some reason, I have a middle seat. Oh well, I have medication if I need it. That’s what Valium is for. I’m nervous, but I keep telling myself I can do this. I’m keeping my anxiety low so far. I have a 5 hour flight and a 2 hour bus ride right after. It will all be worth it when I’m with my family.

Vacation is Coming… Soon

Vacation is Coming… Soon

As I prepare to go on vacation, I feel excitement begin to flow through my body. Very soon, I will be sitting on the beach and actually relaxing. I’ve made checklists of everything that has to get done before I leave. I have already counted all my meds and refilled the ones that would have run out while I’m away. I’ve started trying on some clothes to figure out what I want to pack. I was worried that trying on clothes would be difficult because of my weight gain, but more clothes fit me than I thought would. What a nice surprise!

I have to make sure everything gets done over the next couple of days. It’s a lot to do, but it will be a stressful vacation if I don’t get everything done that needs to be done while I’m away. I’m looking forward to relaxing. Part of me wonders if I even know how to relax anymore. Soon, when my view is the picture above, I’m sure I’ll figure out how to let go a little and relax.

Getting Ready To Prepare For Vacation

Getting Ready To Prepare For Vacation

The past few days have been very difficult. Last week, I felt like I was passing time and going through the motions. Now, I seem to be fighting to get through each moment. I think it’s because I know I’m about to go on vacation. I know that I struggle when my schedule changes. However, my schedule hasn’t even changed yet. I’m just caught up trying to prepare for vacation. There’s too much to get done. I feel overwhelmed, like I’m drowning. But I do know that it will all work out; I just need to hang on and stay organized.

I have so much to do before I leave for vacation. It starts with making a packing list, and then a to-do list of all the errands and tasks I need to get done. I love to-do lists. If it’s not written down, then it’s not going to get done. I will probably start all of that tomorrow. The biggest task is figuring out all my medications for the trip. I’ll be gone for 10 days, and it would not be good if I run out of meds.

Passing Time

Passing Time

Lately, it feels as though I am just passing time. I’m just trying to get through life; for the time being, it has been more difficult than usual, and that’s saying something. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching a clock tick over and over and not get anywhere. I want the days to go by quicker, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do to help.

I’ve bottled up my emotions for such a long time. I’m finally beginning to express how I feel, but it doesn’t seem to make anything easier. In fact, time seems to be going by slower. I wish I could fast forward through parts of life.It feels as if all I do I go to doctor appointments and take my medication. There has to be more to life than that. This gets so lonely.

Last Night’s Dream

Last Night’s Dream

I’ve been having nightmares lately. They’re so vivid that when I wake up, it takes me a while to figure out what is and is not real. Last night, it was sort of in between a nightmare and a dream. It wasn’t bad, just a little sad and very different from normal. I was dreaming about owning a horse and having to work at the barn to pay for the boarding. Then suddenly, I broke a leg and couldn’t do anything. I lost my horse, but even worse, all of my friends from that part of my life stopped talking to me. I was alone. The next thing I know, I woke up and was sad. It took about a minute to realize that my dream was not real. Normally my nightmares have me waking up crying and/or terrified. This was far from that, but it was memorable.