Happy Father’s Day to my dad, my husband, and all of the other fathers out there. Father’s Day is usually a difficult day for me. I lost my father about 14 years ago. He died after being sick for about 6 years. I was 12 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer, and I was 18 years old when he died. It’s still hard. I’m still crying, and I still feel alone at times, but it has improved.
My dad still is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He knew how to be responsible, dependable, and intelligent, while also knowing how to have fun and enjoy life. When I was young, my dad and I were best friends. We would go skiing or flying together, he had a pilot’s license; these were just a couple of the many things we did together. I acted like a jerk for most of the last few years of his life. I was between 12 and 18 years old, so I was acting like a teenager, however; I was also acting like an addict. I regret not being there with my family when my dad died. My biggest regret in my life is that I didn’t get sober until after my father’s death. He never knew me as a sober person.
I’m getting through Father’s Day a bit better than normal. I read some other blogs and they were very helpful. One blog in particular, Father’s Day Memories Blog, reminded me that my father is alive in my memories. I remember one day, my dad woke me up early for school and took me out for the day. We flew out to an amazing mountain and went skiing for the day. I have to keep these wonderful memories I have of my dad alive.
I also spent a good amount of time today being productive. We can finally move stuff back into the house since the bed bug issues is getting under control. It’s like moving into the house all over again. Staying busy keeps my mind occupied. I’ve spent my day thinking of memories with my dad, staying productive, and keeping my mind occupied. It’s still a difficult day for me, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. I think I’m finally learning how to deal with the loss.
My days seem to be getting longer and longer. I’ve been extremely busy lately and I can’t seem to get everything done that I plan to do. I’m stressed out way beyond my normal breaking point. It feels like I’m just waiting for the next disaster to happen, but I have no clue what it’s going to be or when it’s going to happen. Hopefully, I will have a bit of a break before the next catastrophe.
I had ECT this morning. Every time, my doctor asks me to rate my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and irritability. For the past couple months, every time he has asked me, my numbers have gone done, which is wonderful. However, today, just about everything was between 7 and 9. Life has been overwhelming in almost every way. Just when I think it can’t get any more stressful, it does. My doctor asked me if I wanted to do ECT once a week for a while, instead of every other week, until I start feeling better. I turned him down. I told him that I want to wait to see if things will improve when the situations in my life start to improve (hopefully that happens).
My therapist called me today because I missed our appointment the other day. In the several years that I’ve been seeing him, that has only happened twice. He was just calling to make sure I was okay. I told him everything that’s going on in the past couple days; the bed bugs, broken dryer, and the problem with my debit card. I also told him about choosing not to go back to weekly ECT, and he was supportive of my decision, which made me feel more confident in my choice.
Today was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.
I’m staying busy today; running errands, cleaning up, cooking, etc. It’s just another day, nothing special, same old crap. I’m feeling pretty down, feeling as if I don’t matter. I wish I could get those thoughts out of my head. I keep beating myself up, emotionally. At least I haven’t cried yet today. That’s something to be happy about.
I’m getting ready for my granddaughter to sleep over on Saturday night. The play pen is all set up. I’ve been putting things away. Now all I have to do is clean. I can’t wait to have her here. It’s what has been keeping me going this week.
I followed through on my plan yesterday; I went to both of my blood work appointments and then went to the party for my step-son. The party started out great, but went downhill at the end. My mother-in-law was overwhelmed by the end of the party and wasn’t feeling well, so she said it was time for everyone to go. Normally, I would take that personally and I would spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what I did wrong. However, this time, I know that it wasn’t about me.
It was about her being overwhelmed and in pain. I simply said goodbye to everyone as we all left and went home. It’s so much easier not to take everything personally, but I’m normally not able to do that. I’m going to keep working on doing that in my every day life. It’s a lot less anxiety, fear, worry, and concern to deal with.
With racing thoughts, comes an assortment of emotions. Right now I’m stuck in jealousy. In 2010 I had my tubes tied. It was such a difficult decision. Every day I hate that I did it, but I’m also extremely grateful. I know that I can’t take care of myself or my dog when I go through manic or depressive episodes, how could I even try to take care of a child. It was the right thing to do for me. However, my jealousy comes out when I see any parent with their child. I tend to wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t make that decision. But seeing as how I’m still struggling with my mental health 6 years later, I suppose I did the right thing. I’m also dealing with a lot of regret. Is it normal to regret something that you are glad you did?
I miss the job I had before I went on disability. I was really good at it and my employer was very nice. I went on disability not too long after getting a huge raise and a promotion. The more time that goes by, the more I wonder if I’ll ever get back to where I was 8 or 9 years ago. These are just the most repetitive thoughts going through my mind lately. There are a lot of other racing thoughts, but they’re not as persistent as the ones I mentioned.
Pets can be extremely beneficial for all individuals, especially for those that suffer from mental health disorders. For me, my dog, Cash, helps me get up and moving. Even when I don’t want to do anything, I know I have to get up to feed Cash and let him outside. It also helps me because it gives me a reason to go out for a walk.
Cash also helps reduce my anxiety and paranoia. When I hear noises, such as a knock on the door or kids yelling outside, I know that it’s not real if my dog doesn’t react to the noises. I have auditory hallucinations quite often, and Cash helps me determine the difference between what is real and what is a hallucination. I also never feel lonely because Cash is always there to keep me company. I talk to him all throughout the day. He’s one of my closest friends.
I think it’s important for me to have a pet for these reasons and more. I’ve thought about getting an emotional support dog, that way I could have my dog and the support he brings to me everywhere I go. Some people have told me to just get a vest for Cash that says he’s an emotional support animal, but I won’t do that because it’s wrong and lying. Does anyone have a real support animal? How was the process of getting a support animal? Was it expensive?