I don’t quite understand why the days go by so quickly, but the weeks and months seem to drag on and on. I keep trying to get everything done on my daily to do lists. I keep trying, even though I’m not always successful. Blogging is one of my daily tasks that I don’t seem able to complete, but at least I’m doing it today.
I feel like I’m doing a lot better since I started the IV Ketamine. I do the treatments every other week at this point. I’m actually interested in doing all sorts of activities and I enjoy myself when doing them. I feel better about myself in general and my negative thoughts have decreased a large amount. I hope it keeps going this way, improving bit by bit.
I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I keep feeling like I won’t be able to make it through the day, but I continue to push myself. I’m just trying to get through each day, one hour at a time. Every moment that I make it through is a huge accomplishment.
I suppose that since my husband is struggling with his mother’s cancer diagnosis and he’s worried about his brother, I feel like I need to be stronger. I know that if I were to say this to my husband, he would disagree. I know he only wants what’s best for me, but I can’t help but feel this way.
I pretend to be stronger than I really am, but pretending can only take me so far. However, with every passing day, I feel as if I’m getting worse. Every day for the past month, at least, I’ve thought about going to a psych unit; however, I don’t end up going. I know that I’m not going to do anything, but the thoughts keep running through my mind. I wish I could take a break from my mind. If only that were possible.
I have been trying my hardest to help myself feel better, both mentally and physically. Over the past 6 to 8 months, my depression has helped me to gain weight and feel worthless. I’ve lost some weight, but I’ve been stuck at the weight for over a month now. It doesn’t help that I enjoy cooking and eating (of course). Cooking helps me feel useful. It’s something that I’m good at and I even enjoy it. I’ve decided to cut back on my cooking; and when I do cook, I will be cooking healthier. I think that I should try to find another activity that I can do and want to do.
I spent some time alone with my mother-in-law yesterday. I showed her the notebook I made to keep track of all her medical issues. She loved it and was extremely grateful of all the work I did. The visit went well; we get along great. It was just emotional for me. There were a lot of details in the notes that my mother-in-law didn’t understand. However, I knew what they meant because I heard them a lot from my father’s cancer. Her illness is bringing up a lot of emotions and memories of my dad. I just want to be able to support her and my husband without bringing up stuff about my dad. I’m not sure if that’s possible, but I’ll do my best.
This morning, my husband got a call from his mother. I could tell from the look on his face that it was bad. She had a colonoscopy a few days ago. The doctor called and said they wanted to see her right away. Just with that information alone, I knew it couldn’t be good. It turns out that she has cancer. I’m not sure what kind, I just know the doctor said it’s all over her abdomen. They gave her a year to live.
When my husband told me, I started to cry. I’m not sure how to help my husband through this, although I feel like I should be able to do so. When I was 12, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. They gave him 3 years to live and he lived for 6 years. I’ve lost a parent. I know how hard it is. I just don’t know how to help someone else go through it.
I suppose the only things I can do to help is to be there for both my husband and mother-in-law. I can offer my assistance to both of them. I can be there to talk, if either of them want that. Basically, I can just be there.
I love my mother-in-law and I enjoy the time I spend with her. We get together (without my husband) and play Pinochle about once a week. I’m going to spend as much time with her as I can. She’s a wonderful loving person.
This is bringing up a lot of feelings from when my dad was diagnosed and when he died. I’m sure that this will continue to bring up a lot of emotions. I’ve dealt with them before; I can do it again.
I got to spend time with my granddaughter yesterday. Lacey is 22 months old. She is fun to spend time with, but at the same time it’s hard for me emotionally. I never had any kids. It was my choice, but it wasn’t an easy one. I decided that since I can’t even take care of myself on a regular basis due to my bipolar disorder, then I shouldn’t have children. I didn’t think it was a good thing for me to bring kids into this world.
That decision was a rough one, but I still think that it was the right choice for me. I regret that choice every day, but if I got the chance to do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing. I’m not sure if that makes any sense or not. Because I don’t have my own children, it can make it emotionally difficult for me when I’m with my husband’s (and my) granddaughter.
Happy Father’s Day to my dad, my husband, and all of the other fathers out there. Father’s Day is usually a difficult day for me. I lost my father about 14 years ago. He died after being sick for about 6 years. I was 12 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer, and I was 18 years old when he died. It’s still hard. I’m still crying, and I still feel alone at times, but it has improved.
My dad still is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He knew how to be responsible, dependable, and intelligent, while also knowing how to have fun and enjoy life. When I was young, my dad and I were best friends. We would go skiing or flying together, he had a pilot’s license; these were just a couple of the many things we did together. I acted like a jerk for most of the last few years of his life. I was between 12 and 18 years old, so I was acting like a teenager, however; I was also acting like an addict. I regret not being there with my family when my dad died. My biggest regret in my life is that I didn’t get sober until after my father’s death. He never knew me as a sober person.
I’m getting through Father’s Day a bit better than normal. I read some other blogs and they were very helpful. One blog in particular, Father’s Day Memories Blog, reminded me that my father is alive in my memories. I remember one day, my dad woke me up early for school and took me out for the day. We flew out to an amazing mountain and went skiing for the day. I have to keep these wonderful memories I have of my dad alive.
I also spent a good amount of time today being productive. We can finally move stuff back into the house since the bed bug issues is getting under control. It’s like moving into the house all over again. Staying busy keeps my mind occupied. I’ve spent my day thinking of memories with my dad, staying productive, and keeping my mind occupied. It’s still a difficult day for me, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. I think I’m finally learning how to deal with the loss.
My days seem to be getting longer and longer. I’ve been extremely busy lately and I can’t seem to get everything done that I plan to do. I’m stressed out way beyond my normal breaking point. It feels like I’m just waiting for the next disaster to happen, but I have no clue what it’s going to be or when it’s going to happen. Hopefully, I will have a bit of a break before the next catastrophe.
I had ECT this morning. Every time, my doctor asks me to rate my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and irritability. For the past couple months, every time he has asked me, my numbers have gone done, which is wonderful. However, today, just about everything was between 7 and 9. Life has been overwhelming in almost every way. Just when I think it can’t get any more stressful, it does. My doctor asked me if I wanted to do ECT once a week for a while, instead of every other week, until I start feeling better. I turned him down. I told him that I want to wait to see if things will improve when the situations in my life start to improve (hopefully that happens).
My therapist called me today because I missed our appointment the other day. In the several years that I’ve been seeing him, that has only happened twice. He was just calling to make sure I was okay. I told him everything that’s going on in the past couple days; the bed bugs, broken dryer, and the problem with my debit card. I also told him about choosing not to go back to weekly ECT, and he was supportive of my decision, which made me feel more confident in my choice.
Today was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.
I’m staying busy today; running errands, cleaning up, cooking, etc. It’s just another day, nothing special, same old crap. I’m feeling pretty down, feeling as if I don’t matter. I wish I could get those thoughts out of my head. I keep beating myself up, emotionally. At least I haven’t cried yet today. That’s something to be happy about.
I’m getting ready for my granddaughter to sleep over on Saturday night. The play pen is all set up. I’ve been putting things away. Now all I have to do is clean. I can’t wait to have her here. It’s what has been keeping me going this week.