Nothing feels right. I’m doing the best I can, but I think I’m about to burn out. I’m crying right now and wishing I could change everything. It’s possible that my mother-in-law’s cancer diagnosis triggered something in me. My husband is having a really hard time with his mom’s illness. I wouldn’t expect anything else. I’ve been there, sort of. I lost my dad when I was young. I can’t even imagine losing my mom. I’m here for him to talk to and as a shoulder to cry on, but I can’t change things. I wish there was something I could say that would make things better, but I know that’s not possible.
I feel alone. I stare at the wall and my mind just runs, it runs but there’s nothing there. Every once in a while, my husband asks me what’s going on, but by the time I go to answer him (which is only a few seconds later) I can’t remember what I was thinking. I wish I had a way out, but I don’t. Bipolar is a life-long disorder.
I just have to remind myself that I’ve made it through worse, I can make it through this.
Vacation is over. I’m on my way home today. I was worried about checking my bag. It seemed to be extremely heavy. I thought that it was going to be over the 50lb limit. I had no scale to measure it with. Luckily, when I weighed it at the airport, it only weighed 47lbs. Then, I surprisingly went straight through security in the airport without getting stopped by anyone.
I’m early for my flight. I would rather be early than late. I sit down near my gate but far enough away so I’m basically alone. I’m about to be on a 6 hour flight with people all around me. I’ve decided to have as much alone time as possible. I found a group of chairs up against a wall that are off on their own with no one in them. Granted, they are about 30 feet away from the restrooms, but at least no one is coming to sit near me and start a conversation.
I had a great vacation, and I don’t want to leave, however; at the same time, I’m really looking forward to going home. The thing that I really like about this vacation, and pretty much any vacation, is the time I get to spend with my mom. Since she lives so far way from me (about 2,500 miles), I only get to see her about 2 or 3 times a year. Leaving her is hard, but going back home to my husband is good.
My back is feeling better from yesterday’s ECT treatment, which I’m very grateful for. I decided I could go on with my day of doing errands, cleaning up the house, and working out. I started with short Zumba video. They’re pretty fun and they work very well. My husband called while I was in the middle of the video to tell me about an estate sale just up the road that he really wanted me to go to. We’re looking for some bedroom furniture, especially nightstands. Some of our stuff broke during the move.
I felt pressured into going, so I told him I wasn’t sure if I could make it. To be honest, I was saying that so I had out. I was terrified at the thought of going. There were going to be so many people in one small house (a house and people who I don’t even know at all), I just wasn’t sure if I could do it. I took a Valium and did some stuff around the house, waiting for it to kick in. Finally, it started working. I drove over to the estate sale and parked out-of-the-way. I stayed in my car for a while, but eventually I went in.
I looked around everywhere and tried to be polite to the people I passed. This whole situation was overwhelming, especially since I didn’t end up buying anything. However, I did it, I went by myself. That’s a huge step for me. I thought my heart was going to explode the entire time, but I made it through!
Yesterday’s monsoon was gigantic. The rain at my house lasted more than 30 minutes, and that’s very abnormal. This morning, I woke up to find out that yesterday’s winds took down a lot of trees in our area. Roads were closed all around us due to downed pine trees. It’s a bit nerve-wracking having all of that storm damage so close to our new house. Trees fell a few streets west of us, a few streets north of us, and just a couple blocks south. I feel extremely grateful that our property is okay and my husband made it home safe from work (I get so nervous when he has to drive during a storm).
Luckily, Achilles doesn’t really care about storms. In fact, he doesn’t react to them at all. Yesterday, the winds were banging up against the sides of the house so much that it was making a lot of noise, more noise than during a normal storm. The monsoon was scaring me, but not Achilles. I was home by myself with Achilles as my protector.
We might get another storm this evening. Right now, the sky is blue and the sun is shining, but that could change in a matter of minutes. It’s going to be like this for the next couple of months, that’s why they call it ‘Monsoon Season’.
Happy Father’s Day to my dad, my husband, and all of the other fathers out there. Father’s Day is usually a difficult day for me. I lost my father about 14 years ago. He died after being sick for about 6 years. I was 12 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer, and I was 18 years old when he died. It’s still hard. I’m still crying, and I still feel alone at times, but it has improved.
My dad still is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He knew how to be responsible, dependable, and intelligent, while also knowing how to have fun and enjoy life. When I was young, my dad and I were best friends. We would go skiing or flying together, he had a pilot’s license; these were just a couple of the many things we did together. I acted like a jerk for most of the last few years of his life. I was between 12 and 18 years old, so I was acting like a teenager, however; I was also acting like an addict. I regret not being there with my family when my dad died. My biggest regret in my life is that I didn’t get sober until after my father’s death. He never knew me as a sober person.
I’m getting through Father’s Day a bit better than normal. I read some other blogs and they were very helpful. One blog in particular, Father’s Day Memories Blog, reminded me that my father is alive in my memories. I remember one day, my dad woke me up early for school and took me out for the day. We flew out to an amazing mountain and went skiing for the day. I have to keep these wonderful memories I have of my dad alive.
I also spent a good amount of time today being productive. We can finally move stuff back into the house since the bed bug issues is getting under control. It’s like moving into the house all over again. Staying busy keeps my mind occupied. I’ve spent my day thinking of memories with my dad, staying productive, and keeping my mind occupied. It’s still a difficult day for me, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. I think I’m finally learning how to deal with the loss.
Today is a very busy day filled with anxiety. I have a Sears coming between 12pm and 2pm to deliver a new dryer because the other one broke over the weekend. I also have Goodwill coming to pick up a bunch of stuff, and of course they’re coming between 12pm and 2pm as well. That will be a lot of activity, and a lot of strangers, at once, and my husband will be at work. I will have to take a Valium, probably around 11am, so I’m ready for these people when they get here.
I’m nervous about both things happening today. I was originally told that both would be between 7am and 5pm. Of course, with my good luck, they both called and narrowed it down between 12pm and 2pm. I’m hoping they don’t come at the exact same time, but I suppose I’ll just have to go with the flow.
There are some guys coming by today from Terminix, hopefully to fix the pest problem that we’ve been having. Our rashes have only gotten worse, so I’m really hoping they have the solution. I am so desperate for a solution that I even scheduled the inspection when my husband isn’t home, it will be just me here when they come by. I’m extremely nervous. In fact, I’m so nervous that I had a hard time sleeping last night. I think I should probably take a Valium today to help keep me calm while I wait for them and while they are here. My heart jumps with every noise I hear, thinking that it could be them at the door. Maybe I watching the bunnies and quails outside will help calm me down.
They guy called to see if he could come early, so I didn’t have any time to take a Valium. I called my mom and had her talk to me while I waited for him. She helped cal me down. I was still nervous when the guy got here, but I think I did okay. I kept a knife in my pocket, just in-case, plus it made me feel a little more secure. I dealt with the situation pretty well, but now I have even more to deal with.