Tag: ECT

Venting: Letting Out My Day

Venting: Letting Out My Day

Normally, I just push through my days, no matter how bad they are; I find some way to make the time pass. I can usually hold it together; I can put a fake smile on and say what I need to in order to make others think I’m fine. Today, however; was not one of those days. My psychiatrist is worried and wanted me to be checked for Clozapine-induced myocarditis. I went to the doctor, and it was a waste of time. I checked her notes afterwards, and she only listened to about half of what I said. I also couldn’t get the ultrasound they referred me for; I wonder when I’ll actually have that appointment. My psychiatrist isn’t taking me off the Clozapine yet, but I’m just guessing that based on my luck, there’s going to be some reason to take me off it.

I’m overwhelmed by life. I don’t know how much more of this I can take, or how much I want to take. Aside from my mental health diagnoses, I’m also diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, a painful bladder disease. The treatments that I am using for it are called “installations”. Basically, every three weeks, I get catheterized so medicine can be put directly into my bladder. I’ve been doing this for over a year now. Most patients can go longer in between treatments, but since stress is a huge trigger for pain, it gets really bad every time I try to stretch out the treatments. However, because my stress has been greatly increased lately, so has my pain, so my doctor is having me do treatments every week for three weeks. The treatments help somewhat, but I still have a lot of pain and frequency problems.

Every four weeks, I also get to go to ECTs (electroconvulsive therapy treatment), and tomorrow is that lucky day. I hate doing it; I don’t want to go. Even though I admit that it was extremely helpful and was a big part of getting me out of a depressive episode I had last year, I still don’t want to continue with this treatment. It’s too much for my body; the past few times it tends to hurt more and more. My psychiatrist said since the treatments are further apart, my body isn’t used to them anymore. I also have a lot of memory loss from the treatments, but it has gotten better than when I first started. However, I don’t stop them because I’m too afraid of what will happen if I do.

A relationship of mine seems to be changing a little; it seems more strained than normal. This friend means a lot to me, to my entire life, and I guess the stress on the relationship is scaring me. I just thought I would say that, because I haven’t actually said it until now. I don’t let a lot of people in, so I don’t have a lot of friends; hopefully I’m not the one pushing this person away.

Well, I just needed to vent today. It was a rough one for me, but at least now it’s close to bedtime. It just seems that crap keeps happening; over, and over, and over again. I just wonder when it’s going to stop. I try to be positive all the time, whether it’s real or not, hoping that it will help, because I feel like that’s what I’m supposed to do. However, someone today told me that I don’t always have to put a face on, and I really appreciated that. So I decided to be 100% honest and admit that today, things suck. I have been extremely stressed out, very frustrated, overwhelmed, and I still made it. I even was able to clean my entire house, that’s how I like to get out my frustration. I’m unsure if tomorrow will be any better, but at least I’ll start with a clean house.

Treatment-Resistant Bipolar Disorder

Treatment-Resistant Bipolar Disorder

Treatment-resistant bipolar, also known as med-resistant, is something that most of us know too much about. Sadly, it’s extremely common. Being diagnosed as treatment-resistant generally depends on the number of medications a person has tried during the phase that individual is in. Many individuals have been through all sorts of different medications without much success. And then of course, if a person finally finds a medication that helps even a little, it comes with side effects that are too much to handle. I have been considered treatment-resistant by my doctors many times throughout my diagnosis. I have taken so many medications that I’ve lost track of them all. I’ve even lost track of the horrible side effects. I know that for me, Abilify sends me into a huge manic episode, Depakote causes me to lose my hair, and I gained 80 pounds on Risperdal. Those are just a couple examples of medications that I couldn’t handle.

Treatment-resistant doesn’t mean that there’s no answer; there are several individuals that are treatment-resistant that have gone into ‘remission’ for multiple years. I am one of those individuals. Somehow, I was able to live a regular life, work a full-time job, and have a full-time social life. I don’t know what happened or what changed, but after a little more than 2 years, something changed. I was still taking my medication and seeing my doctors, but it was as if I was a ticking time bomb. Then I exploded into such a massive manic phase that I had to leave my job and go live with family. I haven’t been stable since that time, but I do know it’s possible. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever get back to the place in life that I was at before. Honestly, I don’t know if it will or will not happen, but I haven’t given up.

There is always hope, even for those that are treatment-resistant. New treatments and medications are always coming out that could help. Sometimes, a certain combination of medications or treatments is the key to remission. It’s not easy to be patient, or willing to try new treatments, but you never know when one of these new methods will be the key to our health. I am always willing to research and usually try new treatments and medications. I am doing ECTs, electroconvulsive therapy, every month (I’m doing the maintenance treatments at this point), and I am doing a rechallenge of the Clozapine medication. The ECTs helped me get out of a major depressive episode. The Clozapine is supposed to help take away my suicidal ideations; it’s too soon to tell how effective it will be. My conclusion regarding treatment-resistant bipolar is that you never know when some new treatment or medication is going to help; don’t give up before the miracle happens.

ECT – Electroconvulsive Therapy

ECT – Electroconvulsive Therapy

Electroconvulsive therapy, ECT, is one way to treat severe depression and mania. The treatments are done under general anesthesia, allowing the doctor to induce a seizure by passing small electrical currents to the brain. ECT is known to be controversial because of how it was administered many years ago and the serious side effects it used to cause, but it is now much less dangerous.

I started ECT in February 2015 because no other treatments were working and I was desperate for something to help. In the beginning, I was doing the treatments 3 times a week for 4 weeks, then once a week for 4 weeks, then every other week for 8 weeks, and finally once a month. It has been a successful treatment for me. It has not solved all my problems or completely removed my depression, but it did get me out of a major depression when every other treatment failed. At this point, I want to stop the treatments, but I remind myself how beneficial they have been for me.

ECT is physically demanding the day of the treatments. I’m groggy (I assume from the anesthesia), I have confusion, my jaw hurts badly from the seizure clenching, and my body is overall exhausted. All of these symptoms go away within at least 24 hours. The only lasting effect I have is memory loss. Supposedly, the memory loss for most patients is temporary and only goes back a couple weeks or months at the most. Memories generally comes back shortly after treatment ends. However, my memory loss goes back years. I had even forgotten that my grandmother passed away, so I had to deal with her death all over again. Since I’m still doing monthly treatments, my memory does not improve. The cost is also a difficult aspect to handle, but all of the side effects and aspects are still easier to deal with than many months of a major depression with no relief.

Today was my 33rd treatment. It’s a lot on my body and mind. I don’t know how much longer I can handle these treatments. I know that my psychiatrist and my mother want me to continue with the therapy because they have been mostly successful. They are concerned about what will happen if and when I stop because of the success. This I understand, but I wish they would put themselves in my shoes. I feel that if ECT got rid of my depression and made me stable, then I would be happy to continue. However, I still take 7 different psych medications every day and an additional 2 medications as needed. In addition to all of that, we are going to be adding another psych medication within the next couple weeks. I also have to take 3 other medications for some medical conditions. I hope I get to stop ECT at some point, but I fear that if I do, I will regress to a horrible depression or mania.