I’m back… I disappeared from my blog for more than 2 months. My last post was on November 4th. I said that I needed break, and apparently I took one. My depression has been rough for quite some time, but luckily it has gotten a lot better. I’m fortunate to have family and friends that are understanding, supportive, and honest with me. I’m trying to take everything just one day at a time.
I’m a bit out of it right now because of the ECT treatment I had this morning. I will get to stop ECT fairly soon. In December, we decided to slowly stop the ECT treatments because I finally started IV Ketamine (which is working very well!). I will write about that soon, hopefully sometime this week. I’m trying now to wear myself too thin.
I can’t believe it, but I actually got my Clozapine prescription filled on the first try. That’s the first time that’s ever happened. Hopefully it will continue like that.
I had plans today to spend time with my husband and his family. First, we grilled some steaks and then played cards with his mother and brother. Then we went to karaoke with his father and brother. I don’t mind doing these things; in fact, I enjoy spending time with my husband’s family. The only part of it that I don’t like is making plans ahead of time. I never know how I’m going to feel when it comes time to follow through with any plans I’ve made, but I guess that’s why I take Valium. Even if I don’t feel up to it, taking medication helps me follow through with plans that I’ve made.
I know that my depression has been weighing on my husband. He already has enough on his mind. Between his mom’s cancer, his brother’s possible heart problem, and his own back problems, he has enough to deal with. The fact that he cares about me is wonderful, but I feel like I’m a downer on life in general; I’m just putting a bigger strain on life. I hate being a drag to others. I wish there was a way around all of this, but there isn’t. So, I just have to accept life the way it is, and maybe things will improve over time.
Nothing feels right. I’m doing the best I can, but I think I’m about to burn out. I’m crying right now and wishing I could change everything. It’s possible that my mother-in-law’s cancer diagnosis triggered something in me. My husband is having a really hard time with his mom’s illness. I wouldn’t expect anything else. I’ve been there, sort of. I lost my dad when I was young. I can’t even imagine losing my mom. I’m here for him to talk to and as a shoulder to cry on, but I can’t change things. I wish there was something I could say that would make things better, but I know that’s not possible.
I feel alone. I stare at the wall and my mind just runs, it runs but there’s nothing there. Every once in a while, my husband asks me what’s going on, but by the time I go to answer him (which is only a few seconds later) I can’t remember what I was thinking. I wish I had a way out, but I don’t. Bipolar is a life-long disorder.
I just have to remind myself that I’ve made it through worse, I can make it through this.
The past couple days have been pretty difficult. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. I’m doing these things because I know that they would help my husband and mother-in-law. I know I don’t have to do these things. It’s my choice. I’m choosing to do them because I think it’s a way for me to love and support my husband and mother-in-law.
Saturday night, my husband asked me if I wanted to go play darts. I got ready and took a Valium. My husband really just needed to get out of the house. We had a good time. We met his best friend there and got to meet his new girlfriend, who we both like. The hardest part was walking into the bar and through crowds. I was okay once we got to the dart boards. There were a lot of people there. My husband was very helpful. He made sure to always hold my hand when we were moving around and he stood behind me when there were other people standing behind me.
This morning, I decided to go to church. It’s a Christian church. Again, I took a Valium because I knew this would be more than difficult. I knew it would make my mother-in-law very happy, and it did. About half of it was singing. My husband told me a few times that I could sing along (almost everyone did), but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sing along with words that I don’t believe in. Honestly, I have no clue what I believe in. I know that there is a power greater than myself; I’m obviously not all-powerful. However, that’s really all I know and believe at this point.
Going to church today really made my mother-in-law happy. It put a huge smile on her face. She even thanked me for coming and acknowledged how difficult it must have been for me to do so. I’ve been trying to figure out why I decided to go to church. I’m not sure if this is a reason or not, but I chose to go because no one ever asked me to going. Everyone knows I have a hard time with church and God. I wasn’t pushed into doing something I didn’t want to do. I was accepted for who I am, and that’s why I went. I’m not sure if I will go again or not. Right now, I’m completely overwhelmed with life. I wish there was a way to simply pause everything.
I have difficulty with a lot of things. I have an extremely hard time saying no to people. I struggle to stand up for myself. Even when someone asks me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering them. I would rather do something I don’t want to do and be unhappy (without saying I’m unhappy, of course) that tell someone what I really want. Life feels like a giant problem, as if it’s an obstacle I may never complete, but I’m not giving up.
My ex, from before I got sober, was very abusive. I suppose that it just became second nature to do whatever he wanted. I would never dare to say no to him; I knew what the punishment would be if I didn’t behave properly. Even though he’s gone, I still react that way. I want to stop putting others before myself, but I haven’t been able to. Reacting the way I do is a force of habit. It has nothing to do with the people I’m with today, such as my husband, family, or friends; it has everything to do with me.
I’m curious if others experience this same issue. When someone asks me how I’m doing, or what’s wrong, I don’t know how to answer them. I know I don’t feel right, but I have no clue what’s wrong. I’m not sure if this is a normal for others that have bipolar disorder. Maybe this is a result of the ECT.
Does anyone else have this same issue? If so, how do you deal with it?
It never stops. It’s just one thing, after another, after another, and so on. When can I catch a break?! Today, it was a notice I received in the mail last night. I’m stressed to the max. Just when I think it can’t go any farther or get any worse, something else happens. I’m not necessarily stressed so much this time because of what this issue is about, it’s just the fact that it’s another issue.
My husband kept trying to cheer me up, but that wasn’t helping. I explained to him that my real worries with this issue is that I might have to go somewhere that I don’t know in order to solve the issue. He offered to take care of that for me, which helped a lot. He said that I take care of him all the time, that now it’s his turn. I’m lucky to have a helpful and caring husband.
My weight has gotten out of control. Since I don’t drink or use drugs anymore (for the past 13 years), I usually eat when I’m stressed or when problems arise. And since I’ve been having so many problems lately, I’ve been eating a lot. I’m trying to stop. I want to and need to lose weight. In a little over two months, I’m going to go to Cape Cod to spend time with my family. When I go, I really want to be comfortable in a bathing suit. Actually, I want to feel comfortable in any type of clothes. I don’t need to lose all of the weight I’ve gained, just some of it. I have to try. I can do this.
The rash that I’ve been getting doesn’t appear to be getting any better. In fact, I keep getting new welts, and now they’re on my back where I can’t even reach them. I’m extremely frustrated! This has been going on for about 11 days now. None of the medication that the doctor gave me helps stop the itching. I started using Aspercreme with Lidocaine, and it actually works! It’s a miracle! I’m using it more than it says that you should, but I’m so miserable and it’s the only thing that works.
The doctor called back this morning from the message I left yesterday. She wants me to finish the medications they gave me. If I still have a problem when that’s done, then I should call her back. Basically, I just have to deal with being miserable for the next week. I wish that the doctors at least knew what the rash was or what was causing it.
I have a lot to get done today around the house. Hopefully, by staying very busy, I will keep my mind off all of the scratching. Here’s to hoping that a distraction works…
Another day of ECT. I know it helps, but I really dislike the memory loss side effect. However, I would rather have some memory loss than be completely miserable, irritable, depressed, and suicidal. I am grateful that ECT helps and I hope that it continues to improve my mental health status as time goes on.
I was talking to my husband the other day about how I’ve been going to AA meetings all by myself (of course, not without taking a Valium). We discussed that I have talked to some people, spoke in some of the meetings, and I even stood up to get my sobriety chip (I had 13 years sober on April 29th). It turns out that I really missed meetings.
I have been pushing myself to do a little more each week. My husband and I even take walks each night for about 30 minutes. It’s so beautiful out with the stars shining down on us. The neighborhood is almost completely silent. During the last couple of walks, only 2 cars passed by us each night. It reminds me of where I grew up. I think the reason that I’m able and willing to push myself further is because I know that I have a safe place to come home to. I feel secure and comfortable in our new home. When living at our last house, I always felt on edge. Just leaving the house and going to the garage was a difficult task. I no longer have to worry about things like that; my anxiety while at home is less. Let’s hope it stays that way.