Yesterday’s Disaster

Yesterday’s Disaster

Yesterday, I found out that we have bed bugs. There’s not a lot of them, so the guy thinks it will be easy to take care of; however, it was just another thing to add to the list of crap that has been happening to us lately. Taking care of this issue is not only extremely expensive, but it takes a lot of work, time, and energy. We have to wash and dry all of the bedding, pillows, drapes, shoes, and clothes (from under the bed, the dresser, and the bottom shelf of the closet). Then everything has to be sealed in plastic bags and put in the garage.

I started doing this yesterday, and then the dryer stopped working. That’s when I lost it. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. My thoughts were so negative with suicidal ideations that wouldn’t go away. My husband ended up coming home two hours early from work. That was a huge help. I finally stopped crying and was able to function. We took everything that had to be washed/dried to the laundromat. We ended up doing 12 loads of laundry all at once. He was so helpful and supportive. Without his assistance, I would have spent the rest of the day crying with horrible thoughts in my head.

We probably got at least half of everything done. I still have more work that has to be done, but I have until Wednesday to finish it all. Hopefully we don’t have any more crises happen in our lives for a little while. I know life will always happen, but I’m hoping for a break from other disasters.

Venting

Life keeps throwing things at me left and right, I can’t seem to catch a break. I’m overly exhausted; physically, mentally, and emotionally,  and I don’t know what the reason is to keep going. If it’s not one thing wrong, it’s another. I just wish it would stop. I know I’m not going to do anything about it. I always tell my doctor about my suicidal ideations. I guess all I’m doing now is bitching about life. I know that no one’s life is simple, easy, and wonderful. And that’s not what I’m asking for. I just want a break. Well, I’m done venting for now. I have more stuff to get back to doing.

Unusually Irritable and Frustrated

Unusually Irritable and Frustrated

I got a lot done yesterday. In fact, I got everything done that I wrote on my to-do list. Staying very busy definitely helped the itching. I’m going to try that again today. I’ve been more irritable lately than normal. In fact, normally I don’t get or show irritation or anger. However, I think that having this rash is pushing me to my limits. I’ve snapped at my husband several times regarding things that normally don’t bother me. I’m also responded to some people with a snarling attitude, and I that’s not right. There’s definitely something off about my mood.

I’m starting my day by watching the bunnies in the yard again. I think it puts me in a more peaceful mood and I hope that it will help me feel better today. I wish I could be with my mom during Mother’s Day, but I’ll do that next year. This year, I’m going to make dinner for my mother-in-law. In fact, I’m going to make one of the best meals (and my favorite meal) that my mom would make for us when we were children. That’s my way of bringing my mom closer to me even when she’s not with me.

It’s Not Getting Any Better

The rash that I’ve been getting doesn’t appear to be getting any better. In fact, I keep getting new welts, and now they’re on my back where I can’t even reach them. I’m extremely frustrated! This has been going on for about 11 days now. None of the medication that the doctor gave me helps stop the itching. I started using Aspercreme with Lidocaine, and it actually works! It’s a miracle! I’m using it more than it says that you should, but I’m so miserable and it’s the only thing that works.

The doctor called back this morning from the message I left yesterday. She wants me to finish the medications they gave me. If I still have a problem when that’s done, then I should call her back. Basically, I just have to deal with being miserable for the next week. I wish that the doctors at least knew what the rash was or what was causing it.

I have a lot to get done today around the house. Hopefully, by staying very busy, I will keep my mind off all of the scratching. Here’s to hoping that a distraction works…

Talk Therapy Today

Talk Therapy Today

I have therapy today, in a couple of hours. I like my therapist; he’s wonderful and I feel comfortable with him, which is not normal for me. However, sometimes I go in and I have nothing to say. That’s unheard of, I always have something to say. I have no clue what is going on with me. I used to go to therapy and just talk on and on. The past couple times, he had to ask me questions to get me to start talking. That never used to happen. One of the things about me that anyone who knows me knows that I almost never stop talking.

Lately, I’ve been trying to talk less at home. Sometimes I feel like I’m annoying people, like my husband, so I’m trying not to talk unless it’s important. I tend to talk about obvious things, things that aren’t necessary, and I also repeat myself. Some of this is due to my memory loss, but the rest of it is just who I am.

I have been going to therapy continuously since I was 14 years old. That’s a lot of talking; maybe I’m running out of things to talk about. I have a few ideas in my head that I want to talk to my therapist about today. Hopefully, when I get there, I will remember the topics. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I still find it pretty funny that I would be short of words.

Venting: Letting Out My Day

Venting: Letting Out My Day

Normally, I just push through my days, no matter how bad they are; I find some way to make the time pass. I can usually hold it together; I can put a fake smile on and say what I need to in order to make others think I’m fine. Today, however; was not one of those days. My psychiatrist is worried and wanted me to be checked for Clozapine-induced myocarditis. I went to the doctor, and it was a waste of time. I checked her notes afterwards, and she only listened to about half of what I said. I also couldn’t get the ultrasound they referred me for; I wonder when I’ll actually have that appointment. My psychiatrist isn’t taking me off the Clozapine yet, but I’m just guessing that based on my luck, there’s going to be some reason to take me off it.

I’m overwhelmed by life. I don’t know how much more of this I can take, or how much I want to take. Aside from my mental health diagnoses, I’m also diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, a painful bladder disease. The treatments that I am using for it are called “installations”. Basically, every three weeks, I get catheterized so medicine can be put directly into my bladder. I’ve been doing this for over a year now. Most patients can go longer in between treatments, but since stress is a huge trigger for pain, it gets really bad every time I try to stretch out the treatments. However, because my stress has been greatly increased lately, so has my pain, so my doctor is having me do treatments every week for three weeks. The treatments help somewhat, but I still have a lot of pain and frequency problems.

Every four weeks, I also get to go to ECTs (electroconvulsive therapy treatment), and tomorrow is that lucky day. I hate doing it; I don’t want to go. Even though I admit that it was extremely helpful and was a big part of getting me out of a depressive episode I had last year, I still don’t want to continue with this treatment. It’s too much for my body; the past few times it tends to hurt more and more. My psychiatrist said since the treatments are further apart, my body isn’t used to them anymore. I also have a lot of memory loss from the treatments, but it has gotten better than when I first started. However, I don’t stop them because I’m too afraid of what will happen if I do.

A relationship of mine seems to be changing a little; it seems more strained than normal. This friend means a lot to me, to my entire life, and I guess the stress on the relationship is scaring me. I just thought I would say that, because I haven’t actually said it until now. I don’t let a lot of people in, so I don’t have a lot of friends; hopefully I’m not the one pushing this person away.

Well, I just needed to vent today. It was a rough one for me, but at least now it’s close to bedtime. It just seems that crap keeps happening; over, and over, and over again. I just wonder when it’s going to stop. I try to be positive all the time, whether it’s real or not, hoping that it will help, because I feel like that’s what I’m supposed to do. However, someone today told me that I don’t always have to put a face on, and I really appreciated that. So I decided to be 100% honest and admit that today, things suck. I have been extremely stressed out, very frustrated, overwhelmed, and I still made it. I even was able to clean my entire house, that’s how I like to get out my frustration. I’m unsure if tomorrow will be any better, but at least I’ll start with a clean house.