I was really on top of everything that was happening yesterday. I decided to prepare the meal, which was Chicken Tetrazzini, ahead of time and then simply put it in the oven when my husband heads home from work. I spent about an hour preparing the food, I put it in the casserole dish, top it with parmesan cheese, covered it with tin foil, and then, I dropped it as I picked it up. It was another one of my twitches, myoclonic jerks, from the Lithium. Not only did I drop the meal I had worked hard on to make, I also dropped my favorite casserole dish that I got as a gift when we got married.
I immediately got angry at myself, angry at my medication, and angry about my situation in general. I cleaned everything up while mumbling negatively under my breath. I spoke to my husband and I vented to him. He was kind and said he would replace my favorite dish. It helped me begin a little. I came to realize that I was lucky I didn’t get hurt when the dish broke. Trying to look at this in a more positive manner helped me feel a little better. I’m now going around in circles in my head; I’m positive, then negative, over and over, and I probably will that way for the rest of the night.
I’m worried. I was lucky that what I dropped didn’t hurt me. What if I was picking up a pot filled with boiling water? I could serious get hurt. I love cooking, I would be extremely upset if I ended up not being able to cook on a regular basis anymore. If that were to happen, I would decide to go off of Lithium, which is what causes the twitching. My mind keeps going through all of the different possibilities. I need to get my mind off of this; there’s nothing I can do about it now anyways.
I have so many different struggles that it makes me wonder which difficulties have been there all along, and which ones are side effects of medication or ECT. Something has to change. Whatever it is, I really need to see some improvement. Hopefully I don’t have to wait too long. The three biggest struggles that come to my mind are memory loss, trouble finding the right words when talking (aphasia), and trouble making decisions. I mentioned these issues to my psychiatrist the other day. He told me that the aphasia is most likely caused by the Lithium. High levels of Lithium can cause aphasia in some individuals. Even though my Lithium level is low, it can still cause aphasia. I chose not to make any changes to my Lithium because we are already making a couple big changes such as increasing my Clozapine dose and stopping ECT treatments. It’s not a good idea to make too many changes at once. If something does happen (positive or negative), I wouldn’t know which medication change caused the new effect.
The memory loss is definitely from ECT. Since I have decided to stop doing ECT treatments, I’m wondering if my memory will get better and how long it will take for it to improve. Part of me is curious if my memory will get back to what it used to be; I’ve done 33 treatments and I’m not sure if there are any long-term side effects. Some of my medications, such as Lithium and Tegretol, can also cause memory loss. There is a possibility that some of my memory issues are from the medications, which means it’s possible that my memory won’t return to what it used to be. I guess I just have to wait and see about this issue. I hate waiting.
Problems making decisions is another issue I’m dealing with at this time. This is known to be a difficulty with depression. The only problem is that I still have the same issue when I’m manic or even hypomanic. The problem isn’t going away. I have difficulty making small and large decisions. Sometimes I can’t even figure out what to eat when I’m in my own house. My husband will ask if I want to go do something, like go bowling. I don’t know what I want to do, so I just tell him that I’ll do whatever he wants to do. I think that’s frustrating for him, at least I imagine it would be frustrating. Sometimes, he will ask me if I want something. For example, he will ask if I want ice cream. I respond to him by saying that I don’t need any. Then he tells me that he didn’t ask if I needed any, he asked if I want any. I don’t know how to answer that because I don’t know what I want. I wish this was less difficult to deal with, maybe one day it will get easier.