I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I keep feeling like I won’t be able to make it through the day, but I continue to push myself. I’m just trying to get through each day, one hour at a time. Every moment that I make it through is a huge accomplishment.
I suppose that since my husband is struggling with his mother’s cancer diagnosis and he’s worried about his brother, I feel like I need to be stronger. I know that if I were to say this to my husband, he would disagree. I know he only wants what’s best for me, but I can’t help but feel this way.
I pretend to be stronger than I really am, but pretending can only take me so far. However, with every passing day, I feel as if I’m getting worse. Every day for the past month, at least, I’ve thought about going to a psych unit; however, I don’t end up going. I know that I’m not going to do anything, but the thoughts keep running through my mind. I wish I could take a break from my mind. If only that were possible.
The past couple days have been pretty difficult. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. I’m doing these things because I know that they would help my husband and mother-in-law. I know I don’t have to do these things. It’s my choice. I’m choosing to do them because I think it’s a way for me to love and support my husband and mother-in-law.
Saturday night, my husband asked me if I wanted to go play darts. I got ready and took a Valium. My husband really just needed to get out of the house. We had a good time. We met his best friend there and got to meet his new girlfriend, who we both like. The hardest part was walking into the bar and through crowds. I was okay once we got to the dart boards. There were a lot of people there. My husband was very helpful. He made sure to always hold my hand when we were moving around and he stood behind me when there were other people standing behind me.
This morning, I decided to go to church. It’s a Christian church. Again, I took a Valium because I knew this would be more than difficult. I knew it would make my mother-in-law very happy, and it did. About half of it was singing. My husband told me a few times that I could sing along (almost everyone did), but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sing along with words that I don’t believe in. Honestly, I have no clue what I believe in. I know that there is a power greater than myself; I’m obviously not all-powerful. However, that’s really all I know and believe at this point.
Going to church today really made my mother-in-law happy. It put a huge smile on her face. She even thanked me for coming and acknowledged how difficult it must have been for me to do so. I’ve been trying to figure out why I decided to go to church. I’m not sure if this is a reason or not, but I chose to go because no one ever asked me to going. Everyone knows I have a hard time with church and God. I wasn’t pushed into doing something I didn’t want to do. I was accepted for who I am, and that’s why I went. I’m not sure if I will go again or not. Right now, I’m completely overwhelmed with life. I wish there was a way to simply pause everything.
I got to spend time with my granddaughter yesterday. Lacey is 22 months old. She is fun to spend time with, but at the same time it’s hard for me emotionally. I never had any kids. It was my choice, but it wasn’t an easy one. I decided that since I can’t even take care of myself on a regular basis due to my bipolar disorder, then I shouldn’t have children. I didn’t think it was a good thing for me to bring kids into this world.
That decision was a rough one, but I still think that it was the right choice for me. I regret that choice every day, but if I got the chance to do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing. I’m not sure if that makes any sense or not. Because I don’t have my own children, it can make it emotionally difficult for me when I’m with my husband’s (and my) granddaughter.
Life is too overwhelming and difficult. We moved into our new house this past April. However, I still drive to our old neighborhood to go shopping. For example, I drive to our old cross-streets for grocery shopping. There are many grocery stores that are closer, but I’m comfortable shopping at my old store. I prefer to drive and feel safe, than shop somewhere closer to home and be anxious and afraid.
I also continue to go to a salon that’s in my old neighborhood. I only go there to get my eyebrows waxed. It may be farther away, but I feel secure and happy when I go there. I looked around my new community and found a lot of places that I could go to get my eyebrows waxed. I even found two that are just on the corner, but still I choose to go somewhere familiar and pleasurable.
I have been through many depressive episodes as well as several manic episodes. When I was 24, I first started going through a major manic episode, then a huge depressive episode; I had absolutely no control over either. My job was trying to help me through it. They let me work from home for a while, but my symptoms just kept getting worse. I went on short-term disability, then long-term disability, and then finally on social security disability. I ended up moving across the country to go live with my mom because I couldn’t take care of myself.
After I made it through a pretty big depressive episode when I was approximately 25, I got another tattoo to remind me of what I went through. The tattoo is on my left hip and the drawing is actually based off of me (I was skinnier then). I stayed with my mom for approximately 2½ years. I moved back to Arizona in 2011 when I started dating the guy who is now my husband. We were best friends for years before we started dating. He always said we would end up together, and I always told him he was wrong. I had to admit that I was wrong and he was right. Most of the time, my husband or my mom notices when I’m beginning to go through another episode, and when I’m beginning to make noticeable changes and come out of an episode. They recognize my symptoms and do what they can to help. Every episode and all of my symptoms appear slightly differently every time.
My depressive symptoms generally include some mixture of a lack of energy, over-sleeping, overeating, feeling worthless, and physical pain. These are only some of the most common symptoms that I can think of. There are many more symptoms that I can’t think of at this moment. My manic symptoms are often more easy to see. They include no sleeping, excessive energy, easily distracted, racing thoughts, and more. I make sure that the people close to me know what my symptoms are and what normal is like for me so they can help me catch my episodes early. We don’t have to go through our episodes alone.
When I woke up this morning, I finally decided to make a much-needed change. I’m not exactly sure what has pushed me to make this decision, but am going to start working on losing some weight and getting healthier. I want to do this for many reasons, but the main reason is because I deserve it.
I’m going to start cooking and eating better. It all starts with a healthy grocery trip, which I did successfully this afternoon. I feel pretty good that I made it through my first day. It wasn’t easy. I’ve even been looking for some healthy recipes I’m willing to make. Most of all, there will be no more eating out of boredom, anger, or any other emotions. I also will be watching my portion sizes.
I expect this to be difficult, but I know I can do it because I’ve done it before, multiple times. I started out with today being a very successful day.
Only a few more days of putting things away and organizing everything left out and then we will be completely moved into our new home. I know that I’m a bit obsessive about how I like to have things in my house. For example, I organized the spices alphabetically and by size. I don’t expect my husband to do any of this organizing for me. If it’s what I want, then I should be the one to do it (as long as he doesn’t mess things up purposely, which he doesn’t).
I have so much to do today, but I’m having a hard time getting started. I keep looking out the windows into our back yard and seeing the adorable bunny rabbits and quail. It’s so peaceful to watch animals exploring our yard. It’s a great way to start the day, but I know that I have to eventually get started.
Today was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.
I found out yesterday that my dog, Cash, has multiple cancerous masses in his spleen. There are a few options, but none of them are good. Chemo is an option, but it’s not one that we want to do. It causes too many side effects and we don’t know how effective it would be. We could also remove his spleen. However, that is extremely dangerous; he may not make it through the surgery and even if he does, it would only give him about 6 more months. Plus, the cancer could spread because it’s in his blood, so the surgery may not be that effective. We’ve decided to play it day by day. We just want him to be comfortable and happy.
I have so much to do lately, but it’s extremely hard to get any of it done. The main reason for the difficulty is because I’m having a hard time remembering just about anything. The ECT is causing a lot of memory loss, despite the fact that I’m on two different medications (Memantine and Donepezil) to help my memory. I can’t remember what I’m supposed to be doing, what I have done, or even what I do or don’t enjoy doing.
I miss my memory. You don’t always realize how important something is, until you don’t have it anymore. I wish I had the ability to respond to people accurately. I wish I had the ability to know what I truly wanted in life. I wonder if there is anything that will help my memory come back. Will these medications ever kick in?