For multiple reasons, I cannot have children. In 2010, I decided to have my tubes tied. This was an extremely difficult decision. I made my decision because I know what I’m like when I’m manic and when I’m depressed. I have had many episodes over the years, I’ve even lost track of how many, and I came to the realization that there have been many times that I could not take care of myself; I was afraid to be responsible for a child. Also, I have always been on a lot of medication and I was scared to go off the meds during a pregnancy. With the help of my therapist, support group, mother, and friends, I made the decision to have my tubes tied. It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make, but I am grateful for my decision, it was the right thing to do for me. However, my heart breaks any time I see a small child.

Then in 2014, I ended up having a total hysterectomy due to ongoing medical problems. Even though I already had my tubes tied, it felt like a major loss. The surgery went well, but I have struggled emotionally with it ever since. My husband already has two kids, ages 22 and 24 (yes, I married a man that’s older than me). It works perfectly for several reasons; I can’t have children and he doesn’t want any more, we love each other, and we’re best friends (we had been best friends for years before we even started dating).

I get along great with both of his kids. His daughter, my step-daughter, had a baby this past September. I am a 31 year old, extremely proud grandma. We both love every second we spend with our beautiful granddaughter. It can be emotionally difficult for me. I frequently wish that I could have my own children, but I still know that I did the right thing for me. Every person is different; when making any decision, it’s important to make the right choices for you. I made the right decision for me, but that doesn’t take away the difficulty. Just because it was right for me, does not mean it’s easy. I was hoping it would get easier over time, but I’m still waiting for that to happen. Every time I see a baby, baby clothes, or toys, a part of me saddens. At the same time, another part of me is grateful because I know I made the right decision for myself.

At times I can feel jealous of those that are able to have children and deal with mental health disorders. I’m just not someone that can do that. I believe that the only thing that matters is that every person makes the right choices for their own life. No matter how difficult it can be to deal with, I made my right choice.

3 thoughts on “Not Having Kids is a Choice I Struggle With

  1. Do you struggle with not having children to raise or that you don’t have biological children?

    I ask because my fiancé definitely wants children and I’ve grown to like the idea but I told him the one non-negotiable condition is that we don’t pass on my genes. There are a few illnesses, mental included, that I don’t want a child to have heightened risk of. I just want wanted to know for the future if this may be a feeling I encounter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great question. I the biggest struggle is not having children to raise in general. Sometimes it’s hard because I can’t experience pregnancy or what it feels like to have my own biological children. I have many physical and mental health illness that I do not want to pass on, so I wouldn’t want my own biological children anyway because of that. It can be sad and difficult, but it’s the right thing for me.

      No matter how much I want to have children at times, I know it’s not what’s best for me. At least I get to be a grandma. Being in my granddaughter’s life is very important to me. I love watching her grow up. It makes everything so much easier to deal with.

      Liked by 1 person

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