Molasses Cookies

Molasses Cookies

I’ve decided to bake molasses cookies for my husband today. They’re not just any molasses cookies, they’re his favorite cookies that his grandmother would make for him every holiday (she passed away several years ago). I’m really hoping that these cookies turn out right and make him smile when he gets home from work tonight.

Happy Holidays!!

Know Your Fears, Balance Your Emotions

Know Your Fears, Balance Your Emotions

I am a worrier. In any situation, my mind usually thinks of all the things that could go wrong. I worry about my family, my friends, my dog, my own life, and the future; so, to sum it up, I worry about almost everything. Worrying takes up a lot of my energy. I wish I was able to control it, but so far, I’ve been unsuccessful at that. However, I am getting better at it.

My grandmother was admitted to the hospital today. The doctors ruled out a stroke, but they still don’t know what’s wrong with her. They admitted her to the ICU; she is not in critical condition, they just felt that they could monitor her better there. When I first found out, I was thinking that I should fly home so I could be there with her, for my benefit, not hers. Luckily, I was able to talk myself down into thinking reasonably. I know that my mom would let me know if I needed to come home.

Feeling concerned about someone or something is one thing, but obsessive worrying is taking it too far. Most of the emotions I feel are to the extreme; I need to learn to find balance. I didn’t call my mom 10 times today to see how things were going. I called one and sent a couple of text messages. I’m learning how to handle my emotions and conduct myself in difficult situations. My first reaction is never the right or appropriate one, but, with a lot of work, I can talk myself through rough circumstances.

Time With My Grandma – Writing Her Story

Time With My Grandma – Writing Her Story

I’ve been doing all my holiday and other gift shopping a little bit at a time. I should be all done in about a month or two. While I was organizing my gift ideas, I realized that I didn’t have any ideas for my grandma for her birthday, and that’s not right. So I started thinking and come up with an idea of creating a picture book of her through the years. She’s 90 years old; she will be 91 on July 25th of this year.  I just want her to know how much she means to me. I told my mom about my idea and it turns out I already did something very similar when she turned 85 years old.

My mom had a better idea, but it’s a lot of work. I’m going to write a book about my grandma, “The Life and Times of Sylvia”. I will come up with some questions and my grandma will answer them. I will get to work on this project with my grandma. This allows me to spend more time with her and get to know her a little better. It will also give us something to talk about, making conversations easier. I told her about it yesterday and she loved the idea. I told her that it will take some time. Maybe she can answer one of my questions every time we talk.

Some of the questions I came up with were how she met my grandfather? What type of work did she do at MIT? What was it like living through the depression? What was Hebrew school like? I have many more questions and I can’t wait to get to know her better. This will be a lot of work, and at times it could be very difficult, but it will be worth it in the long run. I’m always worrying about losing my grandma. I think this is a great way to spend our time together. I don’t want to have any regrets in the end; that’s what this project is helping me with. Hopefully it will all work out.

I Can’t Even Fake Okay

I Can’t Even Fake Okay

I couldn’t even fake being okay today. I tried, I seriously gave it my all, but between the emotional aspect and the physical side due to medication side effects, I was pretty much a wreck. There was a get-together at my mother-in-law’s house just because, basically to see our granddaughter. Technically, she’s my husband’s granddaughter, but I feel like she is mine as well, and step-granddaughter just sounds weird. She is 6 months old and absolutely beautiful. I wasn’t feeling very well today, I had a lot of physical weakness. I was too nervous to hold the baby because of the weakness; I didn’t want her to get hurt. I have dropped several things I was supposed to be holding, such as dinner bowls, I didn’t want her to be added to that list. So I didn’t have as much time with her as I wanted, and that breaks my heart.

I went to the family get-together in a difficult emotional state to begin with. Earlier in the day, someone seemed upset, so I asked if everything was okay. The response I got was that I ask too many questions and it can be frustrating. The way I took it is that I talk too much; my memory is horrible causing me to ask too many questions, and that I’m overall annoying. I’m sure it wasn’t meant like that, but this is where the bipolar kicks in; my mind always goes to the extremes. So I spent the rest of the day trying not to talk, which is extremely hard for me. My memory is horrible due to ECT and I talk so much and ask a lot of questions because of the bipolar mixed episode that I’ve been in. I guess I don’t take negative feedback very well.

I think it bothered me so much because I don’t feel like I have control over myself, my memory, how much I talk, or what I say. I tried my best to fake feeling happy. I would have tolerated being able to fake feeling okay, but I could barely even do that. I used to think that I could always fake being okay, but today proved that I’m wrong. I don’t want to annoy this person, but if today bothered them because of how much I was talking or asking questions, then I think it must bother them every day. All I can think is that I must annoy this person all the time. Every time I have started to open my mouth that was thought that went through my mind. So I’ve done my best to be quiet, although I know that’s not the best answer. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Not Having Kids is a Choice I Struggle With

Not Having Kids is a Choice I Struggle With

For multiple reasons, I cannot have children. In 2010, I decided to have my tubes tied. This was an extremely difficult decision. I made my decision because I know what I’m like when I’m manic and when I’m depressed. I have had many episodes over the years, I’ve even lost track of how many, and I came to the realization that there have been many times that I could not take care of myself; I was afraid to be responsible for a child. Also, I have always been on a lot of medication and I was scared to go off the meds during a pregnancy. With the help of my therapist, support group, mother, and friends, I made the decision to have my tubes tied. It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make, but I am grateful for my decision, it was the right thing to do for me. However, my heart breaks any time I see a small child.

Then in 2014, I ended up having a total hysterectomy due to ongoing medical problems. Even though I already had my tubes tied, it felt like a major loss. The surgery went well, but I have struggled emotionally with it ever since. My husband already has two kids, ages 22 and 24 (yes, I married a man that’s older than me). It works perfectly for several reasons; I can’t have children and he doesn’t want any more, we love each other, and we’re best friends (we had been best friends for years before we even started dating).

I get along great with both of his kids. His daughter, my step-daughter, had a baby this past September. I am a 31 year old, extremely proud grandma. We both love every second we spend with our beautiful granddaughter. It can be emotionally difficult for me. I frequently wish that I could have my own children, but I still know that I did the right thing for me. Every person is different; when making any decision, it’s important to make the right choices for you. I made the right decision for me, but that doesn’t take away the difficulty. Just because it was right for me, does not mean it’s easy. I was hoping it would get easier over time, but I’m still waiting for that to happen. Every time I see a baby, baby clothes, or toys, a part of me saddens. At the same time, another part of me is grateful because I know I made the right decision for myself.

At times I can feel jealous of those that are able to have children and deal with mental health disorders. I’m just not someone that can do that. I believe that the only thing that matters is that every person makes the right choices for their own life. No matter how difficult it can be to deal with, I made my right choice.