Cash’s Update

Cash’s Update

The vet’s office called and told me to stop by and pick up some pain medication for him, which I did immediately. My husband also mentioned inflatable e-collars, which I did not know they have. The regular plastic e-collars are so difficult for both humans and dogs. The inflatable ones are awesome!

Cash can now lay down and get somewhat comfortable. The pain meds are helping, but I know he’s still sore. I’m starting to feel a little better. I’ve been so anxious, worried, overwhelmed, and afraid for the past couple of days. All of that is finally starting to subside so I can be anxious and overwhelmed about my everyday life again.

Waiting For The Vet

Waiting For The Vet

Last night, I couldn’t get Cash to lay down. I could tell it was painful for him. Eventually, he laid down because he fell asleep and fell over. I’m waiting for the vet to return my phone call. Cash shouldn’t be this uncomfortable.

I slept out on the couch so I could be close to him in case he needed anything. Other than not being able to lay down, he’s doing great. Hopefully, the vet will give him some pain meds.

Cash Is Home From A Successful Surgery

Cash Is Home From A Successful Surgery

Cash is home from the vets office. He did great in surgery. They removed a total of 16 lumps, including the one on his eyelid. They were all just under the skin, so nothing major occurred during surgery. He looks a little like a jig-saw puzzle. He has to wear the e-collar for two weeks. The stitches come out on February 16th. He’s still coming out of the sedation right now. He can’t decided if he wants to sit or lay down. It probably hurts him to lay down because of the incisions.

Waiting To Hear

Waiting To Hear

I just dropped Cash off at the vet for his surgery. We found even more lumps on him during his intake. The tech said that the vet will look him over again to make sure they get all of the lumps. He will be coming home today with an e-collar and stitches all over the place. They will also be trimming his nails to make it harder for him to scratch the incisions. I’m worried about him. I’m sure he’ll be okay, but I can’t wait to get that phone call from the vet saying he’s all done. Until then, I’m going to be keeping myself busy to make the time go faster. I’ll let you know how he’s doing when I know.

Physically And Mentally

Physically And Mentally

My body is just as screwed up as my brain. I had my first surgery when I was 16 years old; it was a cardiac ablation. My heart rate would randomly jump from normal up to 200 or more, and I would pass out. A year later, I had a tonsillectomy. In 2009, I had surgery on both of my knees. A year after that, I had a tubal ligation, which I will explain. I had a total hysterectomy in 2014.

The tonsillectomy is pretty much self-explanatory. I chose to have my tubes tied in 2009 when I was living in Connecticut. This was after my total breakdown. My psychiatrist had to write a letter explaining that I knew what I was doing and was making a sound decision. I decided that I have a hard enough time managing my life. I’ve had ups and downs; no matter how hard I try, I can’t always take care of myself. I’ve seen many people struggle with being a parent; it weighed on them so heavily. I didn’t want that to happen to me or my child. I decided it was better for me not to have a child. For me, this was the right decision, but it has been really hard. It’s been extremely difficult for me to not be able to have children. I often cry uncontrollably because of that fact. A year later, I ended up having to have a total hysterectomy because of severe endometriosis.

I pretend to be okay with the fact that I can’t have kids of my own. I’m a 31 year old grandma, who has never been a mother. Of course I wish I could have kids, but if I had to do it all over again, I would still make the same choice. I made the decision because it was the right thing to do for me, not because it was easy.

Right now, the most difficult problem I deal with physically is the interstitial cystitis. I currently get treatments every week; sometimes I can stretch it out to as much as every 3 weeks. The treatment involves getting catheterized so the doctor can put medicine directly into my bladder. This problem has been getting worse over time. I also have chronic bronchitis and pneumonia among other conditions, but luckily that’s not acting up as well.

I know that I’m luckier than many people, but I’m also worse off than a lot of others. Why do I have to have both physical and mental health problems? Why are all my problems chronic? Living with and managing physical pain as well as mental health is exhausting.

Not Having Kids is a Choice I Struggle With

Not Having Kids is a Choice I Struggle With

For multiple reasons, I cannot have children. In 2010, I decided to have my tubes tied. This was an extremely difficult decision. I made my decision because I know what I’m like when I’m manic and when I’m depressed. I have had many episodes over the years, I’ve even lost track of how many, and I came to the realization that there have been many times that I could not take care of myself; I was afraid to be responsible for a child. Also, I have always been on a lot of medication and I was scared to go off the meds during a pregnancy. With the help of my therapist, support group, mother, and friends, I made the decision to have my tubes tied. It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make, but I am grateful for my decision, it was the right thing to do for me. However, my heart breaks any time I see a small child.

Then in 2014, I ended up having a total hysterectomy due to ongoing medical problems. Even though I already had my tubes tied, it felt like a major loss. The surgery went well, but I have struggled emotionally with it ever since. My husband already has two kids, ages 22 and 24 (yes, I married a man that’s older than me). It works perfectly for several reasons; I can’t have children and he doesn’t want any more, we love each other, and we’re best friends (we had been best friends for years before we even started dating).

I get along great with both of his kids. His daughter, my step-daughter, had a baby this past September. I am a 31 year old, extremely proud grandma. We both love every second we spend with our beautiful granddaughter. It can be emotionally difficult for me. I frequently wish that I could have my own children, but I still know that I did the right thing for me. Every person is different; when making any decision, it’s important to make the right choices for you. I made the right decision for me, but that doesn’t take away the difficulty. Just because it was right for me, does not mean it’s easy. I was hoping it would get easier over time, but I’m still waiting for that to happen. Every time I see a baby, baby clothes, or toys, a part of me saddens. At the same time, another part of me is grateful because I know I made the right decision for myself.

At times I can feel jealous of those that are able to have children and deal with mental health disorders. I’m just not someone that can do that. I believe that the only thing that matters is that every person makes the right choices for their own life. No matter how difficult it can be to deal with, I made my right choice.