It feels like everything I do is wrong. I’m either doing something incorrectly, or not doing things I should be doing. I feel like I’m doing things wrong even when I’m just talking. I seem to say the wrong thing and upset people. I react the “wrong” way and it tends to piss some people off. I know, somehow, it’s not really my fault, but it still feels like I’m in the wrong. The easiest way I can think to fix most of these issues is by not talking. I feel like I should withdraw from my group of people and stay alone with my dog. At least I know that I can’t bother him the way I bother others.
I think that one of the things that tend to bother some people is that I’m always trying to make everyone else happy. I ignore my own emotions and focus on others, which I know can be annoying. Thinking of others is my way of dealing (or not dealing) with my own emotions. I feel inadequate and weak.
Right now, I’m overwhelmed with feeling like I’m wrong. When I got another bill in the mail for more than $4000 from my husband’s surgery last year, he freaked out. I tried to explain to him about out-of-pocket maximums, deductibles, and appeals. I filled out and completed the appeal, but what if the bill is for real? Then we’re screwed. Even worse, I’ll have to tell my husband about it and he’ll be really frustrated. No matter what I do, it just feels wrong. I always try to fix everything when he gets upset, even when he’s not upset with me. I just wish there was an easy answer to everything or anything.
I’m really tired of feeling wrong. I feel like I push people away. I don’t want to push my family away. At least I know I’ll never push my dog away. That’s the good thing about pets; they love you no matter what.
My Side of the Pole 