Today, someone is coming to fix the dishwasher. It’s been broken for almost a week, so I’m happy about the idea of having a dishwasher again. However, I do not like the idea of a strange guy in my house. My dog can look scary when he’s barking, but that will only last about one minute before he wants to play and be pet by this stranger. The dog’s no good for protection. Thank goodness my husband will be here. That makes me feel safe. I’m sure the guy coming to fix the dishwasher is a nice guy, but my mind always thinks about ‘what if’ situations.
I’m still feeling like a screw up. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. I keep doing things that I’m good at, hoping to counteract this emotion, but the feeling is still there. It’s an irrational emotion, but it’s what’s going on with me lately. At least I know that this feeling won’t last forever. With my bipolar disorder, I know that no emotion will ever last forever. I will go up and down quite often. So all I need to do is hang on until this horrible feeling goes away.
Pretending to be feeling okay, when you’re not, is exhausting. I do this mostly around my in-laws. I don’t know why. They know about my bipolar disorder and are very supportive. I guess it’s just my comfort level. I’ll open up over time. I’m getting more and more comfortable around them. I think it’s just because we normally spend our time in large groups. I do better one on one.
The past couple of days, I’ve been feeling like a total screw up. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong; I’m feeling shame. There are also some things that I’m avoiding because I know/feel as if I’m going to mess it all up. I don’t know where these feelings are coming from. I’m reading into everything that people say; somehow, I can find negative things about myself when others are talking. The “funny” part about it is that people don’t even have to be talking about me for me to find something negative about myself.
I think a lot of it comes from my weight gain. I look in the mirror, and I automatically feel sad and pathetic. All I see is the person I don’t want to be. I feel like I can’t talk to others properly, I can’t stay organized, I can’t workout well enough, I can’t cook right, I can’t get things done, I just can’t do anything right. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. This overwhelming feeling is taking control of my mind and body.
Even though I know that I don’t do everything wrong, I still feel as if I do. I don’t know why that is. For instance, I know I’m a good cook; so why do I feel like the dinners I’m making suck? I’m also a very organized person, but I feel like my house is unorganized and I don’t know how to fix it. I know the truth, but what I don’t know is why I still feel this way even though I know it’s false.
It feels like everything I do is wrong. I’m either doing something incorrectly, or not doing things I should be doing. I feel like I’m doing things wrong even when I’m just talking. I seem to say the wrong thing and upset people. I react the “wrong” way and it tends to piss some people off. I know, somehow, it’s not really my fault, but it still feels like I’m in the wrong. The easiest way I can think to fix most of these issues is by not talking. I feel like I should withdraw from my group of people and stay alone with my dog. At least I know that I can’t bother him the way I bother others.
I think that one of the things that tend to bother some people is that I’m always trying to make everyone else happy. I ignore my own emotions and focus on others, which I know can be annoying. Thinking of others is my way of dealing (or not dealing) with my own emotions. I feel inadequate and weak.
Right now, I’m overwhelmed with feeling like I’m wrong. When I got another bill in the mail for more than $4000 from my husband’s surgery last year, he freaked out. I tried to explain to him about out-of-pocket maximums, deductibles, and appeals. I filled out and completed the appeal, but what if the bill is for real? Then we’re screwed. Even worse, I’ll have to tell my husband about it and he’ll be really frustrated. No matter what I do, it just feels wrong. I always try to fix everything when he gets upset, even when he’s not upset with me. I just wish there was an easy answer to everything or anything.
I’m really tired of feeling wrong. I feel like I push people away. I don’t want to push my family away. At least I know I’ll never push my dog away. That’s the good thing about pets; they love you no matter what.