Suicidal Ideations

Suicidal ideations are not something that is talked about a lot. I know that I won’t talk about it in my support group because I don’t want the facilitator to have me admitted to the hospital. Since I’m not comfortable talking about it in my support group, I thought I would try to do it here. I’m not actually a danger to myself. It’s not something I want to do, it’s just something I think about.

I deal with suicidal ideations on a daily basis. For some reason, my brain keeps thinking about suicide. I think about how and when to do it, but after I think about that, I think about my mom and my husband. I could never do that to them. For me, they are more than a good enough reason to stay alive. I just wish I could get my brain to stop thinking about suicide. I think I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for more than a year this time. It’s exhausting.

7 thoughts on “Suicidal Ideations

  1. Would you say the thoughts are obsessive or compulsive in nature? I have compulsive thoughts about death/dying/suicide ALL the time, and I have no plans to act on them. Still, as you said, it isn’t exactly something you can talk about freely in certain situations. I’m afraid to even tell my therapist, but I believe it is similar to having intrusive thoughts for me and related to OCD/anxiety.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t think they’re obsessive or compulsive. They’re just there in the background all of the time. I talked to my therapist about them and he understood that it’s not something I’m going to act on. My psychiatrist also knows about them. The suicidal ideations are why I went on Clozapine 6 months ago. That medication is supposed to help that type of thinking. I hope you have someone you can talk to about your thoughts. If nothing else, you can talk about them here.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I deal with suicidal ideation too on a daily basis. I hate it. Your right, its mentally exhausting. Can you talk to a friend or your husband about it? is your psychiatrist good about listening? mine is really great thank goodness. I see her weekly but I know thats pretty much unheard of in the USA.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have people I can talk to about it, but mostly I can talk about it here. My psychiatrist and therapist both listen as very well. It is hard finding someone who will understand that they’re just constant thoughts in my head and not something I really want to do.

      Liked by 1 person

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