Today has been a very busy day, but at least I get to go to a hockey game this evening. It can be difficult because of the crowds, but my husband supports me and helps me enjoy myself.
I had an appointment with my therapist earlier today. I told him that I had started thinking about volunteering at a local horse ranch. I started riding when I was in Kindergarten, and it’s been years since I’ve been around horses. I don’t mind mucking stalls, cleaning up, groom, and more. So, I wrote a message to a ranch near in my area. I’m not sure, but maybe something will come out of it.
The past couple days have been pretty difficult. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. I’m doing these things because I know that they would help my husband and mother-in-law. I know I don’t have to do these things. It’s my choice. I’m choosing to do them because I think it’s a way for me to love and support my husband and mother-in-law.
Saturday night, my husband asked me if I wanted to go play darts. I got ready and took a Valium. My husband really just needed to get out of the house. We had a good time. We met his best friend there and got to meet his new girlfriend, who we both like. The hardest part was walking into the bar and through crowds. I was okay once we got to the dart boards. There were a lot of people there. My husband was very helpful. He made sure to always hold my hand when we were moving around and he stood behind me when there were other people standing behind me.
This morning, I decided to go to church. It’s a Christian church. Again, I took a Valium because I knew this would be more than difficult. I knew it would make my mother-in-law very happy, and it did. About half of it was singing. My husband told me a few times that I could sing along (almost everyone did), but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sing along with words that I don’t believe in. Honestly, I have no clue what I believe in. I know that there is a power greater than myself; I’m obviously not all-powerful. However, that’s really all I know and believe at this point.
Going to church today really made my mother-in-law happy. It put a huge smile on her face. She even thanked me for coming and acknowledged how difficult it must have been for me to do so. I’ve been trying to figure out why I decided to go to church. I’m not sure if this is a reason or not, but I chose to go because no one ever asked me to going. Everyone knows I have a hard time with church and God. I wasn’t pushed into doing something I didn’t want to do. I was accepted for who I am, and that’s why I went. I’m not sure if I will go again or not. Right now, I’m completely overwhelmed with life. I wish there was a way to simply pause everything.
I brought another carload full of stuff over to my new house earlier this evening. Then, I decided to check the mail before leaving. I drove over to the mailbox, and as I was leaving, I saw a neighbor that I had not yet met. My heart began to race suddenly, but I know that I needed to do my best to be polite and introduce myself to this neighbor (good thing I had already taken some medication earlier, which helped me keep my anxiety down).
I waved to this new neighbor; he waved back and started walking towards me. I met him at the end of his driveway. He was very polite. We talked for about 10 minutes and then he invited me into his house to meet his wife. We talked for another 5 minutes or so. They are both extremely nice and easy to talk to. They leave next week, for the winter, which more than half of the neighborhood does. I look forward to them coming back because they are so easy to get along with.
These new neighbors said that most of the other neighbors are easy to get along with. My plan is that whenever I see a new neighbor, I will wave to them. If they look like they want to meet up close and talk, I will do so. I’m so grateful for Valium. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this if it wasn’t for my Valium.
Many people diagnosed with bipolar disorder and other mental health disorders frequently tend to isolate, often without realizing it. Isolation is an unhealthy symptom of bipolar disorder. Isolation can fuel depression, then the depression makes the person want to isolate even more. If it wasn’t for my husband and family, who encourages me to get out of the house and talk to friends, then I probably wouldn’t see or talk to anyone.
I like to isolate, is it wrong that I would rather be alone than with people? I prefer to be by myself. I don’t get bored or lonely, at least not lately, and it’s a lot less stress when I’m alone. If it were up to me, I would only leave the house to run errands and go to appointments. But I know that’s not healthy. For me, it’s more work to be around people than it is to be alone. There are a lot of times when I don’t want to go out, but I do; then I’m glad I ended up going out. I have to remember that sometimes I enjoy myself when I go out. I can’t give up on socializing.
Yesterday, I said that since I didn’t have much to do, I would possibly do some Zumba and/or clean the house. I didn’t do all of these things, but I did do one of them. I did a Zumba workout video! That was probably the best thing that I could have done for myself. I need to get back into a routine of working out regularly. It felt great when I finished the video, but after it was done, I had no energy left to clean the house (the house was already pretty clean anyway). I also contacted a few family members that I don’t talk to all of the time. It was nice to chat with them. I can’t wait see all of them when I go home at the end of this month.
It’s hard enough to keep up relationships with friends. For me, when I’m in a depression, I isolate; I’m happy to do so because it’s easier than talking to people. However, one thing I should be doing all the time is communicating with my family. If it was only that easy. I’ve learned that I can text my siblings a message that simply says, “Just saying hi”. That’s enough for me and for them. If they’re available, they will text me back. My siblings live very busy lives. Today, my brother responded and we had a texting conversation, and that made me smile. Every once in a while we will talk, but we don’t need to all the time. The simple text message lets them know I’m thinking of them and that I care.
It can be hard to talk to some people I love while I’m depressed because hiding the depression is not very easy. I know I don’t need to hide the depression for them, it’s for me, it’s my comfort level. When I do talk to loved ones, it seems that I’m trying to figure out what I should say. I’m always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know I need to get over that because loved ones are very understanding. I’m harder on myself than other people are.
I normally am not the person that reaches out to others, not to friends or family. So, I’ve decided that it is something I need to work on. I have friends that reach out to me, and I only sometimes respond to them. It’s important to be the one who reaches out first because I want my friends to know that I care about them. I feel the same way about reaching out to my family.
Even a simple text message let people know you are thinking about them. Sometimes, just a text message can ignite a conversation. It would be great to talk to friends and family, but it is sometimes extremely hard for me to send a text message. I’m going to write it on my to-do list; if it’s on my list, it will get done.
Suicidal ideations are not something that is talked about a lot. I know that I won’t talk about it in my support group because I don’t want the facilitator to have me admitted to the hospital. Since I’m not comfortable talking about it in my support group, I thought I would try to do it here. I’m not actually a danger to myself. It’s not something I want to do, it’s just something I think about.
I deal with suicidal ideations on a daily basis. For some reason, my brain keeps thinking about suicide. I think about how and when to do it, but after I think about that, I think about my mom and my husband. I could never do that to them. For me, they are more than a good enough reason to stay alive. I just wish I could get my brain to stop thinking about suicide. I think I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for more than a year this time. It’s exhausting.
I’m trying really hard to put myself out there in the world. Not because I want to, but because my husband and family want me to. Also, I know it’s the right thing to do, it’s the healthy thing to do both mentally and emotionally. I’ve been going to a support group, which is very hard for me to do, but it will be helpful, once I become comfortable in the group. Yesterday evening, I met up with a couple of friends. I’m so happy I did that. It was great to see them and talk to them. It is very important to meet up with friends, but it’s hard to do that and other social things when dealing with a major depression. I’m also trying to reach out a little more to my family, specifically my siblings. I don’t know why it’s so hard to reach out to others. Maybe because I don’t have much to talk about on my end. I don’t really know what to say when they ask me how I’m doing. Any suggestions on how to respond to the how are you doing question? All I can think of is, “I’m hanging in.”
I’ve been saying for a while now that I will try a new support group, but I just don’t do it. I’m too scared of new things. I miss what my old support group did for me. I met a lot of people there that I really care about and it felt great to have people understand what I was going through. I want that part of my life back.
Last week, someone from my old support group asked me if I knew of any other support groups. I did some research for him and ended up using the information for myself. It’s so much easier to do something for others than it is to do something for yourself. I’m extremely nervous, but in a couple of hours, I will be going to a new support group. My husband and I drove over there the other day to check out where is so I don’t get lost when I go today. I will post again either later today or tomorrow to let you all know how it went.