Another Rough Day

Today is another rough, gloomy day. I keep beating myself up for many things. Some of these things I have no control over. For some reason, I’m being rough on myself because I’m bipolar. I know I have no control over that at all, but I’m still being hard on myself. I don’t really know why.

I’m thinking about asking my doctor to change meds, but I have a feeling that if I do I’ll slip into an even worse depression or possibly even a manic episode. I’m not going to make any changes for now, but I keep thinking about it.

My suicidal ideations are back. They weren’t really gone, but they were much less for the past couple weeks. I didn’t really realize that they lessened until they started up again with full force.

Amazing

I heard a song today that really hit home with me. I’ve heard it probably a hundred times over the years, but today I not only heard the song, I felt it. Listening to Amazing by Aerosmith, I felt my depression and suicidal ideations and I could feel myself working through all of it. I could remember and feel the times that I have hit rock bottom, the struggle to get back up, and the fight to stay alive.

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through
The pain

When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave, but couldn’t get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishin’ that I would die

It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
It’s amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
It’s amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shot’s permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life’s a journey, not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings

You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn’t listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street,
Just a tryin’ to survive
Scratchin’ to stay alive

It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
It’s amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
Oh, it’s amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

Desperate hearts, desperate hearts

Songwriters: Richie Supa / Steven Tyler

Amazing lyrics © EMI April Music Inc

List For My Doctor

I made a list of the things that I need to talk to my psychiatrist about at my appointment with him next week.

Racing thoughts
Stomach problems
Suicidal ideations
I’m no longer sleeping all day long
Greatly increased anxiety, causing breathing issues
My feet hurt in the morning, not sure if it’s a side effect
Twitching is happening more often and in more than just my hands
Having a harder time getting tasks done, possibly a lack of motivation

I know I’m forgetting some things, but this is a descent start to making a list. I know that if I don’t write it down, I won’t remember to bring it up in the appointment. Most of these have easy solutions, so I’m not too worried at the moment.

Suicidal Ideations

Suicidal ideations are not something that is talked about a lot. I know that I won’t talk about it in my support group because I don’t want the facilitator to have me admitted to the hospital. Since I’m not comfortable talking about it in my support group, I thought I would try to do it here. I’m not actually a danger to myself. It’s not something I want to do, it’s just something I think about.

I deal with suicidal ideations on a daily basis. For some reason, my brain keeps thinking about suicide. I think about how and when to do it, but after I think about that, I think about my mom and my husband. I could never do that to them. For me, they are more than a good enough reason to stay alive. I just wish I could get my brain to stop thinking about suicide. I think I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for more than a year this time. It’s exhausting.

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is the World Suicide Prevention Day. I have been dealing with suicidal ideations for most of the past year. Besides taking my medication, the thing that has been the most helpful is communicating. It really seems to help when I talk or write about what’s going on with me. I remind myself that my life will continue to have ups and downs. I think that one good thing about having bipolar disorder is that I won’t feel depressed forever. Things will change, nothing is forever. Connect. Communicate. Care.

Bipolar Extremes: Finding Balance

I tend to be quite the extremist when it comes to my mood swings. I either have so much energy that I can’t stop cleaning or I can barely get off the couch to get anything done. I will admit that I somewhat enjoy the first few days of my manic episodes. I love the fact that I can get so much done; my house looks beautiful, dinner is always ready for my husband, I find it easier to run errands, I call my family and friends to catch up, I need less sleep, and some things are less anxiety provoking than usual. I love all of that; if only it would stay that way, but it never does. I run out of things to do, I start pacing and shaking, I make random and inappropriate phone calls, and I spend money more freely than I usually would; these are just a few examples of my bipolar mania. Often, when I’m manic, I still feel pathetic, worthless, and insignificant, as well as deal with suicidal ideations. I think that some of these episodes are considered mixed episodes because of how badly I feel about myself; mania generally has feelings of elation.

As my manic episodes come to an end, I tend to crash hard. All of the sudden, I’m sleeping way more than I need, I have a hard time getting out of bed or getting up to do just about anything, and my feelings of worthlessness and uselessness grow even deeper along with my suicidal ideations. I never get a break from feeling horrible about myself, no matter what type of episode I’m in. While I like the productivity aspect of the mania, there is not one part of the depression that I enjoy. I wish there was a way that I could feel okay and still be productive, but I haven’t found one yet.

What I really want is to find some middle ground somewhere. I must have experienced it at some point during my life, but right now, I can’t remember any moment like that. Maybe it’s just because of my memory loss from ECT. I know that I have come out of a few major episodes before, but no matter how balanced I seem, there is always something going on in my head telling me how pathetic I am. I just have to trust that I have had balanced times in my life. This is where positive thinking comes into play. It’s not easy to be positive, but there are several techniques that I use to help me through these difficult times. None of these techniques are easy to do, but they are vital to our health.

Use these techniques to get past the bipolar extremes and find peace and balance in our lives:

Remember there is always hope; believe in that hope. If you can’t, having someone else believe for you can help. When I can’t, my husband and mother believe for me.
Reach out to your loved ones and caregivers.
Find a support group that you’re comfortable with.
Be 100% honest with your psychiatrist, otherwise they can’t help you.
Take your medication as directed, otherwise it won’t work properly.
Write down the different methods that help you feel better and worse so you know what to do and not to do in the future.

Clozapine (Clozaril) Labs & Registration

Friday was the beginning of the Clozaril rechallenge (generic is Clozapine) process. I had my blood work done; there was some difficulty getting the lab to send the results to my doctor and my pharmacy. It was partially my fault, I did give them the wrong fax number for the pharmacy, but it took 4 phone calls to try to fix the mistake. Even when they finally said the problem was resolved, it turns out that it wasn’t; the pharmacy never received the results. Luckily, I ended up talking to one of the nicest and most caring pharmacists since my father and aunt. He was happy to call the lab himself and request my results so that I could get my prescription. Once he got my lab results, he realized that I had to be registered again in the Clozapine Database because I hadn’t taken the medication since this past summer; all patients need to be registered by both their pharmacist and their doctor. My pharmacist told me he would call me once the registration is complete so I can get my prescription filled. There aren’t many pharmacists that are as polite and happy to help as he was.

Sometime tomorrow I should receive a phone call from the pharmacy letting me know I can bring in my prescription. I admit that I am nervous. I’m not nervous that I will end up with some of the horrible side effects of Clozapine such as neutropenia, which is an abnormally low level of white blood cells, making the patient susceptible to infections. This is why there are so many protocols with Clozapine. I feel like I should be nervous about it, but I’m not. What I am nervous about is the fact that I don’t know if this will work or not. I’m trying to remain positive; I keep saying that this time it will work, I won’t get a fever, I won’t have to go to the hospital, and there won’t be any problems. I’ve been so nervous about this rechallenge, my anxiety level has been much higher than normal; I’m anxious even sitting at home in my comfort zone.

Is this weird that I’m more concerned the medication won’t work than I am concerned that the med will cause serious side effects? I think it’s just because I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I have had suicidal ideations for more than 5 months. My hallucinations keep getting worse making the paranoia intolerable. And in my mind, the worst part of it all is that I won’t do anything about it. I can’t take my own life, no matter how much I think about it. I know that technically that’s a good thing, but if you lived in my mind for even a day, you would understand. Every day I put a smile on my face and do my best to pretend everything is okay, but inside I’m a disaster. I want to live and be happy to be alive. I need this medication to be the answer. I’ve taken pretty much every other medication and I still do ECTs. I currently take 7 other psychiatric medications, 2 additional meds to treat side effects, and 3 other medications for physical conditions. I just need to catch a break, I’m hoping that will happen with this Clozapine rechallenge. We’re all about to find out.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Suicidal Ideations