I had another ECT treatment today. When I woke up, I had completely forgotten that we lost our dog, Cash, yesterday. My husband had to remind me. Basically, it feels like I lost him two days in a row. This is exactly what I was fearing. I had a feeling that this would happen. I just need to make it through today. I’m taking it one minute at a time.
I’ve been back at ECT for almost two weeks now, and it’s already messing with my memory. It’s so frustrating for and it appears to be frustrating for those around me. I do my best to remember what’s happening in my day to day life, but it doesn’t seem to matter how hard I try. I feel like it’s going to upset others in my life. I can only do my best, I just hope that my best is enough. Hopefully, the two new medications I started (which are for Alzheimer’s) will start working soon.
I tend to forget things. It’s usually trivial stuff. For example, I put detergent in the dishwasher last night, but I forgot to start it. I keep forgetting to pick up my medication at the pharmacy.I forgot to return a DVD to someone. But it’s not just short-term memory that’s a problem. I also forgot a lot about my life in general. The reason I have memories of my wedding is because I watched a video of it (it was a fantastic wedding). I don’t remember my honeymoon. I have very few memories of my teenage years and my twenties. I’m constantly asking my mom to clarify things for me.
Is my forgetfulness from ECT that I stopped in May? I know that used to be the cause, but is it still? My memory has improved, but it’s not what it used to be. Will my memory ever get back to what it used to be? This is why I don’t want to try ECT again, even though my psychiatrist keeps suggesting it. I’m afraid I’ll forget everything.
I forgot to go to my support group this past Thursday night. I had every intention of going, but I just forgot. I didn’t go last week because of my anniversary, but I have no excuses this week. I even remember telling my therapist on Wednesday that I was going to go the following day, and then I let it slip my mind. I suppose I have to write my support group on my to-do list. I really want to go, I know it will be helpful in the long run.
There’s another group on Tuesdays that seems interesting. I want to check it out. Maybe I can have my husband drive by there with me so I know where I’m going before I actually go to that group. It’s farther away from my house than the Thursday night, but you never know where you will find what you’re looking for.
I forgot to take some of my medication last night. Of course it was the most important of all meds, my Clozapine. Right now, I’m feeling very shameful. The one thing I have going for myself is that I’m always compliant. I always take my medications, I always do whatever I’m told to do by my doctors (no matter how much I really don’t want to), and I always follow through on these things. I can’t believe that I forgot to take those pills.
I got home last night from the trip, unpacked, and was so tired I just fell asleep. I should have realized when I woke up two hours later, that I hadn’t taken my Clozapine. I was in and out for the rest of the night on the couch. Why didn’t I take that hint of not being able to sleep through the whole night? I didn’t realize until I was making the bed this morning. At that time, I saw my meds sitting on my nightstand. My first plan was to pretend it didn’t happen and not tell my psychiatrist. Then, I thought that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I wasn’t completely honest. So I sent an email to my psychiatrist and told him exactly what happened. I was extremely worried about what he would say, but his response told me not to worry and that I could still go and get my blood work done today.
I felt a little bit better knowing that my psychiatrist isn’t upset, but I’m still upset with myself. I expect myself to always be compliant. However, I was just told that by telling my psychiatrist exactly what happened, I was still being compliant. Complete honesty is what’s necessary for compliance, and that’s what I have done. I suppose I should give myself a break. Everybody makes mistakes; I need to allow myself to make mistakes as well. I need to stop shaming myself, and begin to be proud of myself for my honesty. As always, it’s easier said than done. I guess it’s just another thing to work on.