I’m sitting at a gate in the airport. It’s not even the gate that my flight leaves out of. It was the empty gate when I got here, so I thought that it would be a good place for me to sit. I don’t like crowds, especially when people are all around me, including behind me. I was sitting for less than 5 minutes, when suddenly everyone else thought that the area I was in would be a great place to hang out. UGH!
I made it through security alright. Granted, I did forget to take my laptop out and remove my phone from my pocket. The excuse that I’m using is that I’m taking a red-eye flight and I’m simply overly tired. That’s a good excuse.
I have decided to take only some of my night meds. I don’t want to take my Clozapine because that knocks me out cold. If that happens, then if someone next to me touches me or if the fight attendants wake me up for some reason, I would wake up terrified. Plus, the Clozapine makes me drool (so annoying). And I don’t mean I drool a little bit. It’s a lot. Way too much. So I will take my night meds, minus my Clozapine, and add in a Valium. So that’s the plan. I guess I will let you all know tomorrow how this all went. I’m hoping for the best (at least I’m going into it with a positive attitude).
This is the third time in a row that I’m having problems getting my Clozapine prescription filled. The lab automatically faxes my blood test results to the pharmacy, but for some reason, the pharmacy cannot find them. Yesterday, the pharmacy told me they didn’t have the results without even knowing my name. Then I told them my name and said that the test results normally go straight into my file. Less than a minute later I was told again that they don’t have the test results.
I called the lab and left a message for them asking them to resend my blood work to the pharmacy. Today, I will call the lab again just to make sure they got my message, and then I will call the pharmacy again. If I’m still having difficulties, then I will just show up at the pharmacy and ask to speak to the pharmacist. I really wish it wasn’t this difficult getting my Clozapine script filled.
Today has been unusually rough. I reached out to my psychiatrist because I wanted to change my meds. Specifically, I want to get off of the Clozapine and possibly try IV Ketamine. However, his response was not as I hoped it to be. Basically, it was an ultimatum. Either I go back on ECT or possibly try IV Ketamine, but it would be in addition to Clozapine. If I go off of Clozapine, he will no longer be my psychiatrist; he would only continue to see me for 30 days or until I find a new doctor.
I’m going to come up with a list of questions to ask him at our next appointment on January 11th. My husband will be coming with me. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I’m off to go see a Coyotes game; hopefully that will make me feel a little better.
My therapy session went okay yesterday. We talked about what I’m going to do about the weight gain from the Clozapine. I want to go off the medication, but I’m afraid that if I do it will cause some horrible episode. I need to think about both my physical and mental health. The decision is impossible. I wanted my therapist to tell me what to do, but I know he can’t do that. I want someone (that I trust) to tell me what to do. I’m leaning towards going off the medication after the new year. I’m even willing to try IV Ketamine in order to get off Clozapine. I would do almost anything to get off this medication.
The weight gain is causing me to feel bad about myself. I’m crying off and on and I have no desire to leave the house. I would rather stay home alone where no one has to see me. Why does this have to be so difficult? I hate my life. I’m too overwhelmed with everything.
Starting at the beginning this month, I finally got to do my Clozapine blood work every other week instead of once a week. I can’t believe I made it through 6 months of weekly blood work. There are many worse things that could happen, but mostly, it was just such a pain in the ass. Getting the medication every week was harder than the actual blood work. The lab has to send the pharmacy my blood work. The pharmacist has to receive approval from the Clozapine National Registry. Now that I’ve been doing this for 6 months, I only have to deal with that hassle every other week, which will make my life a lot easier. Traveling will also be a lot easier. I planned my vacation in December around my blood work schedule, so I don’t have to do any blood work or pick up a prescription while I’m away. After doing blood work every other week for the next 6 months, I will finally get to do monthly blood work, which will happen in April. That’s something to look forward to.
Pretending to be positive about things is more exhausting than I thought it was. It works, but it is extremely tiring. I am planning on going back to the support group I tried out last week. I need to go there regularly in order to get used to it. Once I get used to this group, I really think that there’s a good chance of it being helpful in multiple ways. There’s another group that’s not too far from my house that I’ve thought about going to on Tuesday nights.I think I’m going to try one new and scary thing at a time. It is nice to know that there are others out there just like me who are willing to be there for each other.
I also had a hard time getting my 2 week prescription of Clozapine. I’ll know later today if and when I can pick up the prescription. I’m not very happy with Walgreens right now.
Since the beginning of April, I have had to get my blood work done every week due to the Clozapine that I take. However, that won’t last much longer. Starting in October, which will be after completing six months of weekly blood work, I finally get to switch to doing my blood work every other week for the following six months. After that, I get to do my blood work on a monthly basis.
This will make my life much easier going forward. I know I should be excited about this, it is an exciting thing, but I just don’t feel excited. Probably because I’ve been numb to most things lately.