I’m sitting at a gate in the airport. It’s not even the gate that my flight leaves out of. It was the empty gate when I got here, so I thought that it would be a good place for me to sit. I don’t like crowds, especially when people are all around me, including behind me. I was sitting for less than 5 minutes, when suddenly everyone else thought that the area I was in would be a great place to hang out. UGH!
I made it through security alright. Granted, I did forget to take my laptop out and remove my phone from my pocket. The excuse that I’m using is that I’m taking a red-eye flight and I’m simply overly tired. That’s a good excuse.
I have decided to take only some of my night meds. I don’t want to take my Clozapine because that knocks me out cold. If that happens, then if someone next to me touches me or if the fight attendants wake me up for some reason, I would wake up terrified. Plus, the Clozapine makes me drool (so annoying). And I don’t mean I drool a little bit. It’s a lot. Way too much. So I will take my night meds, minus my Clozapine, and add in a Valium. So that’s the plan. I guess I will let you all know tomorrow how this all went. I’m hoping for the best (at least I’m going into it with a positive attitude).
I take a lot of medications; most I take daily, and some are taken as needed. I keep very close track of my medications and when they need to be refilled. It’s a big task, but I make sure I’m on top of it all. I have a problem filling my Clozapine prescription every month. I have to do monthly blood work. The pharmacy won’t fill the Clozapine without the blood work results. Filling this prescription is an issue every single month.
Every month, the lab forgets to send the pharmacy my results. It’s always a huge hassle. Even though I filled out the paperwork, I still have to convince the lab to send my results over. I shouldn’t have to call the lab every time. At least I’ve found a way to make the phone call easier and shorter.
I refill my prescriptions about a week early (they can be filled from approximately 3 to 7 days early depending on the script). If I start early (at the 7 day mark), then it’s okay if they run into a problem. I learned this the hard way. Running out of prescriptions is not fun.
The noon meeting I went to today went very well. There were only about 10 people there. I didn’t know any of them, so it was a bit nerve-wracking, but it was much better than a meeting with 50 or 75 people. It was an open meeting, with the subject of ‘One day at a time’. Near the end of the meeting, I spoke up by choice. When sharing, I decided to open up about how I’m nervous coming to meetings because I get nervous around people. Afterwards, one of the guys from the meeting came up to me and thanked me for sharing about my nervousness. He said that he feels that way too, but people don’t usually talk about it. He thanked me for my honesty and openness.
This is definitely a huge step forward for me. I can’t wait to tell my therapist and psychiatrist about what I did today. It’s a big sign that the Clozapine and the ECT are absolutely working. I’m going to try to keep going to at least a few meetings a week. Hopefully, I will find smaller meetings to go to so I feel more comfortable. Maybe I’ll even make friends with some of these people.
This is the third time in a row that I’m having problems getting my Clozapine prescription filled. The lab automatically faxes my blood test results to the pharmacy, but for some reason, the pharmacy cannot find them. Yesterday, the pharmacy told me they didn’t have the results without even knowing my name. Then I told them my name and said that the test results normally go straight into my file. Less than a minute later I was told again that they don’t have the test results.
I called the lab and left a message for them asking them to resend my blood work to the pharmacy. Today, I will call the lab again just to make sure they got my message, and then I will call the pharmacy again. If I’m still having difficulties, then I will just show up at the pharmacy and ask to speak to the pharmacist. I really wish it wasn’t this difficult getting my Clozapine script filled.
I just got back from the vet with good news; they did not need to redo the stitch that Cash pulled out last night. The vet said that the incision site looked good. And even better than that, it didn’t cost anything.
I’m back home now and have a million things to do. I’m having problems getting my Clozapine prescription filled. The pharmacy keeps saying they don’t have my blood work, even when I called the lab and had them fax it over again. I’m going to wait a couple of hours and then try calling the pharmacy again. It’s extremely frustrating.
I also have more tax stuff to do today. It’s the last thing I want to do, but I’m hoping that it will be easier if I do just a little bit at a time.
I feel like I’m being pulled in many different directions. How do I handle all of this? There’s too much going on right now. I need a vacation from myself. I’m just going to do a little bit at a time until everything is done. I wonder when that will be.
Today is my appointment with my psychiatrist. I’ve been looking forward to this but I’ve also been extremely nervous about it. A couple of weeks ago, I emailed my psychiatrist telling him that I wanted to get off of the Clozapine because of the side effects such as severe weight gain, and that I wanted to try IV Ketamine. He responded to me and said that this is something we need to discuss in person and that he didn’t want me to get off the Clozapine. My psychiatrist suggested that I bring my husband with me, so I am.
I was upset when I first received the email, but with the help of my mom and my aunt, I realized that he is looking out for my best interests. I’m going to this appointment with an open mind. I wrote down everything I want to say to him and all of the questions I have. I have decided to do whatever it is that he thinks is best. I trust him and I know that he is looking out for me. I have a feeling I will be going back to ECT, but I’m not sure yet.
I’ve had a lot of anxiety lately and I think that comes from not knowing what the next step is. I have a feeling that my anxiety will reduce after this appointment because I will have a plan in place. I will let you all know how the appointment goes.
Today has been unusually rough. I reached out to my psychiatrist because I wanted to change my meds. Specifically, I want to get off of the Clozapine and possibly try IV Ketamine. However, his response was not as I hoped it to be. Basically, it was an ultimatum. Either I go back on ECT or possibly try IV Ketamine, but it would be in addition to Clozapine. If I go off of Clozapine, he will no longer be my psychiatrist; he would only continue to see me for 30 days or until I find a new doctor.
I’m going to come up with a list of questions to ask him at our next appointment on January 11th. My husband will be coming with me. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I’m off to go see a Coyotes game; hopefully that will make me feel a little better.