“Acknowledging a mistake just means that you are wiser today than you were yesterday.” – Kelly Ann Rothaus
If that’s true, than I must be brilliant 😉 I do my best to acknowledge my mistakes when I see them. I think that’s one of the best ways to learn.
I don’t like disagreements, fights, altercations, disputes, or arguments of any kind. I get extremely uncomfortable in any type of confrontations. There are many arguments that occur without yelling. Sometimes there are just harsh yet passive aggressive remarks. When confrontations occur, my anxiety quickly starts as I usually end up getting very quiet and try to find somewhere that private and without noise. I don’t respond well to others at that time.
I really need to learn how to handle confrontations. I need to stand up for myself at times, and also admit when I’m wrong.
“We’re not meant to fit in. We’re mean to stand out.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach
As a child, all I wanted to do was fit in, but it seemed like I was trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It’s better to be yourself. My bipolar disorder is one thing that may make me stand out, but that’s a good thing. It’s good that every person is unique.
I’m trying to follow through on an appeal that I sent into the Marketplace a couple of months ago. I received a letter basically saying that I need to pay back the tax credit we received in 2016. Fine, it was only a little bit each month. But I still don’t agree with their overall decision and I want to make sure that the same thing doesn’t happen for 2017. I gathered all of my information and called the number in the letter, but they weren’t very helpful.
I get so anxious over these type of issues and calling in to resolve issues. I don’t mind the first phone call because I can prepare myself for what I want to say. However, I don’t know how to respond when they answer or don’t answer my questions. I always end up saying, “Thanks for your help.” My anxiety prevents me from thinking on my feet. I’m going to get some help from my mom, she’s great at this kind of stuff. But I still need to work on responding to people on the spot.
My dog, Cash, has an appointment at the vet today for grooming and shots. He’s 11 years old now, so we’re seeing some changes in his capabilities. He was so excited to go on a car ride. I opened the door for him and he jumped in like he always does; however, this time he didn’t make it all the way in. I was able to pick up his hips and help him in the car. Luckily, he didn’t get hurt. This is the first time he wasn’t able to jump into the car. It’s sad and worrisome. I won’t be able to pick him up every time. He’s 88 pounds, which is a lot to carry. This is probably the beginning of some of the problems that senior dogs encounter. It was so hard to watch that happen, but I knew it would be coming soon.
My psychiatrist emailed me to let me know that my blood work has improved, but it’s still not where he wants it to be. I take Cytomel, a thyroid medication, even though I don’t have a thyroid problem. There have been some studies in the past few years that show high doses of thyroid hormones can act as a mood stabilizer for bipolar depression patients. However, taking this medication has thrown off my thyroid level, so we’re working at finding the right dose that will help as a mood stabilizer and not mess up my thyroid levels. He is increasing my Cytomel and I will do more blood work in one month to see if it has helped. I always get nervous every time there is a medication change or dose increase/decrease.
“What you are expecting determines whether you will or will not be able to see the possibilities all around you.” – Daniel R. Castro
The expectations I have limit the opportunities for myself. I have to believe that I can do anything I want to do, anything I put my mind to. Expectations are limiting assumptions; I am capable of anything.
I heard a song today that really hit home with me. I’ve heard it probably a hundred times over the years, but today I not only heard the song, I felt it. Listening to Amazing by Aerosmith, I felt my depression and suicidal ideations and I could feel myself working through all of it. I could remember and feel the times that I have hit rock bottom, the struggle to get back up, and the fight to stay alive.
“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” – Carl Bard
I often wish that I could go back and start over in my life. There are many things I think I would want to do differently. Since I can’t do that, it’s nice to know that I can restart any day, any time. I can even restart more than once in a day, if I need to.
I followed through on my plan yesterday; I went to both of my blood work appointments and then went to the party for my step-son. The party started out great, but went downhill at the end. My mother-in-law was overwhelmed by the end of the party and wasn’t feeling well, so she said it was time for everyone to go. Normally, I would take that personally and I would spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what I did wrong. However, this time, I know that it wasn’t about me.
It was about her being overwhelmed and in pain. I simply said goodbye to everyone as we all left and went home. It’s so much easier not to take everything personally, but I’m normally not able to do that. I’m going to keep working on doing that in my every day life. It’s a lot less anxiety, fear, worry, and concern to deal with.
My Side of the Pole 