I’m sitting at a gate in the airport. It’s not even the gate that my flight leaves out of. It was the empty gate when I got here, so I thought that it would be a good place for me to sit. I don’t like crowds, especially when people are all around me, including behind me. I was sitting for less than 5 minutes, when suddenly everyone else thought that the area I was in would be a great place to hang out. UGH!
I made it through security alright. Granted, I did forget to take my laptop out and remove my phone from my pocket. The excuse that I’m using is that I’m taking a red-eye flight and I’m simply overly tired. That’s a good excuse.
I have decided to take only some of my night meds. I don’t want to take my Clozapine because that knocks me out cold. If that happens, then if someone next to me touches me or if the fight attendants wake me up for some reason, I would wake up terrified. Plus, the Clozapine makes me drool (so annoying). And I don’t mean I drool a little bit. It’s a lot. Way too much. So I will take my night meds, minus my Clozapine, and add in a Valium. So that’s the plan. I guess I will let you all know tomorrow how this all went. I’m hoping for the best (at least I’m going into it with a positive attitude).
Today has been a big and busy day. I started off late for my first appointment of the day. I ended up making it to the appointment on time, but I was very rushed to make it there. Once I got there, I had to fill out almost an hour worth of paperwork. Thank goodness my husband was there to help me fill everything out; I can’t remember much with my memory loss. This first appointment was for some back pain I’ve been having. It turns out that my spine is in good shape (yay) and it’s just a muscular problem. I’m now taking a tapering dose of Methylprednisolone for six days. I don’t like adding more medications to what I’m already on, so hopefully it helps.
I had two doctors appointments today. This afternoon was when I started packing for my trip; I leave for Cape Cod tomorrow night. I already have my packing list figured out. I just have to run everything through the dryer to make sure all of the bed bugs are gone (which they are).
I’m excited to be on vacation for a week. I can’t wait to spend all of this time with my mom, my sister and husband, and their kids. The kids are growing up so quickly. I can’t believe that the youngest is 14 years old. While I will be loving my trip and enjoying all of my time on vacation, I’m going to miss my husband while I’m gone. My husband is my rock. He helps me get through everything. I don’t think I could handle life without him. I’m lucky to have him in my life.
Today is my husband’s anniversary; he is now 12 years sober! We are going to a meeting together, along with his mom and brother, and then we will all go out to eat. I originally had a therapy appointment at noon, but I decided to change it so I could celebrate with everyone. Instead of a noon appointment, my therapist will call me at the end of the day. We’ve had phone appointments a few times, when they were necessary. It’s great that my therapist is willing to do them. It’s more like I changed the appointment to a phone appointment later in the day instead of having it at noon in his office. It’s important to me to be with my mother-in-law as she celebrates my husband’s sobriety. We may not be able to do this all together again.
The past couple days have been pretty difficult. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. I’m doing these things because I know that they would help my husband and mother-in-law. I know I don’t have to do these things. It’s my choice. I’m choosing to do them because I think it’s a way for me to love and support my husband and mother-in-law.
Saturday night, my husband asked me if I wanted to go play darts. I got ready and took a Valium. My husband really just needed to get out of the house. We had a good time. We met his best friend there and got to meet his new girlfriend, who we both like. The hardest part was walking into the bar and through crowds. I was okay once we got to the dart boards. There were a lot of people there. My husband was very helpful. He made sure to always hold my hand when we were moving around and he stood behind me when there were other people standing behind me.
This morning, I decided to go to church. It’s a Christian church. Again, I took a Valium because I knew this would be more than difficult. I knew it would make my mother-in-law very happy, and it did. About half of it was singing. My husband told me a few times that I could sing along (almost everyone did), but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sing along with words that I don’t believe in. Honestly, I have no clue what I believe in. I know that there is a power greater than myself; I’m obviously not all-powerful. However, that’s really all I know and believe at this point.
Going to church today really made my mother-in-law happy. It put a huge smile on her face. She even thanked me for coming and acknowledged how difficult it must have been for me to do so. I’ve been trying to figure out why I decided to go to church. I’m not sure if this is a reason or not, but I chose to go because no one ever asked me to going. Everyone knows I have a hard time with church and God. I wasn’t pushed into doing something I didn’t want to do. I was accepted for who I am, and that’s why I went. I’m not sure if I will go again or not. Right now, I’m completely overwhelmed with life. I wish there was a way to simply pause everything.
I went to a new salon today to get my eyebrows waxed. I did some research and found out that their slowest time of the day is between 2pm and 3pm, so that’s when I went. The store is in a retirement community, so the people there will not make me as nervous as other younger individuals. I still had to take a Valium in order to go, but I did really good while I was there. The woman who I worked with was really nice and easy to understand. I plan on going back there from now on whenever I need anything done by a salon.
There is also a grocery store right next door to this salon. It’s a Bashas’ grocery store, and I know those stores because that’s where we went grocery shopping when I was in an alcohol/drug treatment center. I think I could possible be comfortable going to this grocery store. Plus, it’s a lot closer to our house than where’s I’m currently going. Maybe I’ll have my husband come with me the first time, just to make me feel a little safer.
I’m proud of myself for finally trying to go somewhere new. Anything new is extremely difficult for me, but I’m glad I’m not giving up.
Life is too overwhelming and difficult. We moved into our new house this past April. However, I still drive to our old neighborhood to go shopping. For example, I drive to our old cross-streets for grocery shopping. There are many grocery stores that are closer, but I’m comfortable shopping at my old store. I prefer to drive and feel safe, than shop somewhere closer to home and be anxious and afraid.
I also continue to go to a salon that’s in my old neighborhood. I only go there to get my eyebrows waxed. It may be farther away, but I feel secure and happy when I go there. I looked around my new community and found a lot of places that I could go to get my eyebrows waxed. I even found two that are just on the corner, but still I choose to go somewhere familiar and pleasurable.
I have another day filled with errands and stuff to do around the house. It does make the day go faster. I’m going to keep working out. I think I might even bring my Zumba DVDs to Cape Cod with me. I am losing weight, slowly but surely. I know how easy it is to fall back into bad eating habits. I have to remind myself that I can do this. I will reach my goal eventually. I think that if I keep a positive attitude towards weight loss, I will keep losing weight.