I couldn’t even fake being okay today. I tried, I seriously gave it my all, but between the emotional aspect and the physical side due to medication side effects, I was pretty much a wreck. There was a get-together at my mother-in-law’s house just because, basically to see our granddaughter. Technically, she’s my husband’s granddaughter, but I feel like she is mine as well, and step-granddaughter just sounds weird. She is 6 months old and absolutely beautiful. I wasn’t feeling very well today, I had a lot of physical weakness. I was too nervous to hold the baby because of the weakness; I didn’t want her to get hurt. I have dropped several things I was supposed to be holding, such as dinner bowls, I didn’t want her to be added to that list. So I didn’t have as much time with her as I wanted, and that breaks my heart.

I went to the family get-together in a difficult emotional state to begin with. Earlier in the day, someone seemed upset, so I asked if everything was okay. The response I got was that I ask too many questions and it can be frustrating. The way I took it is that I talk too much; my memory is horrible causing me to ask too many questions, and that I’m overall annoying. I’m sure it wasn’t meant like that, but this is where the bipolar kicks in; my mind always goes to the extremes. So I spent the rest of the day trying not to talk, which is extremely hard for me. My memory is horrible due to ECT and I talk so much and ask a lot of questions because of the bipolar mixed episode that I’ve been in. I guess I don’t take negative feedback very well.

I think it bothered me so much because I don’t feel like I have control over myself, my memory, how much I talk, or what I say. I tried my best to fake feeling happy. I would have tolerated being able to fake feeling okay, but I could barely even do that. I used to think that I could always fake being okay, but today proved that I’m wrong. I don’t want to annoy this person, but if today bothered them because of how much I was talking or asking questions, then I think it must bother them every day. All I can think is that I must annoy this person all the time. Every time I have started to open my mouth that was thought that went through my mind. So I’ve done my best to be quiet, although I know that’s not the best answer. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

7 thoughts on “I Can’t Even Fake Okay

  1. Maybe this person just had a bad day and their snapping or attitude towards you really had nothing to do with you. Maybe you were just in the line of fire. Sometimes, as you noted in a recent post, we have to accept how other people act because of THEIR illnesses and not ours. Often the best we can do is try to accommodate them (so that we do hurt ourselves or the other person) and pray for them to find peace. If they really do think you talk too much… Well we can’t control what others think. We can only be our true and honest self – with out faults, illnesses, character defects, perceptual biases, and memory issues. Accepting ones self as you are at this moment is a path to peace in my mind.

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    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your support. I do believe that this was my issue. I probably caught this person while they were having a bad day. I tend to go to the extremes and I most likely took it the wrong way. I can’t control how this person thinks; I can only control myself, but that’s extremely difficult.

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  2. EVERYONE (bipolar or not) has bad days – you had one. They suck! You have tools and you did the best you could; everyone copes different ways at different times. You did what you could do in that moment. At another time you may be able to choose differently – or not. Either way, it’s OK.
    What I am inspired by again was that your post ended with “hopefully tomorrow will be better”. On a crappy day, when you could NOT FAKE IT – you still had hope – so your hope was most definitely real, not fake. That’s inspiring.

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