I couldn’t even fake being okay today. I tried, I seriously gave it my all, but between the emotional aspect and the physical side due to medication side effects, I was pretty much a wreck. There was a get-together at my mother-in-law’s house just because, basically to see our granddaughter. Technically, she’s my husband’s granddaughter, but I feel like she is mine as well, and step-granddaughter just sounds weird. She is 6 months old and absolutely beautiful. I wasn’t feeling very well today, I had a lot of physical weakness. I was too nervous to hold the baby because of the weakness; I didn’t want her to get hurt. I have dropped several things I was supposed to be holding, such as dinner bowls, I didn’t want her to be added to that list. So I didn’t have as much time with her as I wanted, and that breaks my heart.
I went to the family get-together in a difficult emotional state to begin with. Earlier in the day, someone seemed upset, so I asked if everything was okay. The response I got was that I ask too many questions and it can be frustrating. The way I took it is that I talk too much; my memory is horrible causing me to ask too many questions, and that I’m overall annoying. I’m sure it wasn’t meant like that, but this is where the bipolar kicks in; my mind always goes to the extremes. So I spent the rest of the day trying not to talk, which is extremely hard for me. My memory is horrible due to ECT and I talk so much and ask a lot of questions because of the bipolar mixed episode that I’ve been in. I guess I don’t take negative feedback very well.
I think it bothered me so much because I don’t feel like I have control over myself, my memory, how much I talk, or what I say. I tried my best to fake feeling happy. I would have tolerated being able to fake feeling okay, but I could barely even do that. I used to think that I could always fake being okay, but today proved that I’m wrong. I don’t want to annoy this person, but if today bothered them because of how much I was talking or asking questions, then I think it must bother them every day. All I can think is that I must annoy this person all the time. Every time I have started to open my mouth that was thought that went through my mind. So I’ve done my best to be quiet, although I know that’s not the best answer. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.