Happy Father’s Day to my dad, my husband, and all of the other fathers out there. Father’s Day is usually a difficult day for me. I lost my father about 14 years ago. He died after being sick for about 6 years. I was 12 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer, and I was 18 years old when he died. It’s still hard. I’m still crying, and I still feel alone at times, but it has improved.
My dad still is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He knew how to be responsible, dependable, and intelligent, while also knowing how to have fun and enjoy life. When I was young, my dad and I were best friends. We would go skiing or flying together, he had a pilot’s license; these were just a couple of the many things we did together. I acted like a jerk for most of the last few years of his life. I was between 12 and 18 years old, so I was acting like a teenager, however; I was also acting like an addict. I regret not being there with my family when my dad died. My biggest regret in my life is that I didn’t get sober until after my father’s death. He never knew me as a sober person.
I’m getting through Father’s Day a bit better than normal. I read some other blogs and they were very helpful. One blog in particular, Father’s Day Memories Blog, reminded me that my father is alive in my memories. I remember one day, my dad woke me up early for school and took me out for the day. We flew out to an amazing mountain and went skiing for the day. I have to keep these wonderful memories I have of my dad alive.
I also spent a good amount of time today being productive. We can finally move stuff back into the house since the bed bug issues is getting under control. It’s like moving into the house all over again. Staying busy keeps my mind occupied. I’ve spent my day thinking of memories with my dad, staying productive, and keeping my mind occupied. It’s still a difficult day for me, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. I think I’m finally learning how to deal with the loss.
Do you ever feel like you need to act as if you are “okay”? Most of us have people in our lives that understand and support us, but there are also people who don’t get it and don’t care to. For example, at my last job, it took a lot of effort to keep my mental health a secret. I’m not ashamed of my mental health, but I didn’t want to spend time trying to explain it to people and I don’t want people to look at me differently.
There are also a lot of people who don’t consider depression, mania, or other mental health issues to be a “real” problem. Some people think that if you can’t see it, it’s not a real issue. Well, I have learned that issue is their problem. I’m lucky to have the support and understanding from family and friends. My friends are those from my previous support group. We shouldn’t have to pretend we are okay when we’re not. That’s what our friends and family are there for.
I’m feeling somewhat empty inside lately. I’m not exactly sure why, there’s just not much going on for me. When people ask me how I’m doing, I just simply respond by saying, ‘I’m hanging in’. Maybe it’s because I’m on overload, maybe it’s because I just don’t care about certain things as much as I used to. I’m not really sure.
Today is the day that we are celebrating Mother’s Day with my mother-in-law. I’m cooking a dinner that my mom used to cook for me. It’s called Boursin Chicken. In fact, we called it Daddy’s Chicken because it was my dad’s favorite. It makes me smile to remember things like that; it’s feels good to care about and remember things. I have a lot of memory loss due to ECT, so it’s a marvel any time I can remember things.
My mother-in-law invited me to go out with her to a meeting and then out to dinner afterwards. Normally, I find ways to say ‘no’ when I’m asked out by other people, but this time was different. I’m still getting over the loss of my dog, Cash, and my mother-in-law knew that I was struggling with the situation. She invited me out, saying that it’s better than being home alone, and she was right. I’m glad that I said ‘yes’ and the two of us went out together.
It’s been hard being home alone. I’m used to Cash always being there. I keep looking for him whenever I want to do something or go somewhere. I’m not ready for another dog, but I’m also not ready to be home alone by myself. I’m extremely grateful that my mother-in-law invited me out for the night.
This weekend, starting yesterday, my husband and I are having someone stay with us. This person is a family member that simply needs a break from his regular life. I told him yesterday, no matter how good or how difficult, everyone needs a break from now and then.
I think that this could help everyone. This family member will be able to take a break from his normal life. Also, I will get some extra help moving, and hopefully it will help me keep my mind occupied, which will really help make things go a little easier.
I’m feeling a little better today, which is good because I have lots to do. My lawyer is going to call me in a few hours to explain how things are going with my case. I’m very curious and can’t wait to hear how it’s going. Then, my father-in-law and his girlfriend are coming over. Our house is a disaster because I already started packing. Hopefully they will understand that. I normally don’t let anyone in the house unless it’s clean, but cleaning and packing don’t really go together. My husband and I are going to take them too our new house shortly after they get here. I can’t wait to see the house again.
I also have a meeting to go to tonight, which I’m very nervous about. I’m meeting someone there, so I won’t be alone, but I’m still nervous. I used to go to these exact meetings (6pm Monday through Friday) every day until 2009 when I went on disability due to my mental health. I’m a little worried that people are going to ask me where I’ve been or why I haven’t been coming. My mom helped me out. If people ask where I’ve been, I can simply say, “Not here, how are you?” I think I can do that. I at least have to try.
Yesterday was a very tough day for me. I spent the entire day waiting to find out if the sellers of the house we like are going to accept our offer or not. We spent the whole day waiting to hear and the day ended still without finding out any news. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can tell you for certain that I’m not good at waiting. Hopefully we will get an answer later today; and of course we’re hoping that it’s going to be a positive response.
Other than the anxiety and waiting, yesterday was a physically painful day. I was having a lot of pain, it was probably due to the increased stress. I was also working on my taxes, which is a stressful and time-consuming task.
This morning, I have another ECT treatment; I think that this is my 8th treatment in this series. After ECT, I will have the opportunity to rest, if I can, but I usually can’t. Then tomorrow evening, my granddaughter is supposed to be coming over and we can all go out to eat. My mom has not had the ability to meet her yet, so I’m really looking forward to this opportunity that they’ll have.
I’m hoping that tomorrow is going to be a better day than today. I just need to figure out how to relax a little more. Looking for houses is definitely exciting, but is not at all relaxing. It’s more worrisome than anything else. I’m lucky I have the love and support from my husband and my mom to get me through every moment. They could both look at me and tell (just my looking at me) that I was having a rough day. I tried to pretend I was okay, but the people who know me best could tell that I was having a difficult time.