I have therapy today, in a couple of hours. I like my therapist; he’s wonderful and I feel comfortable with him, which is not normal for me. However, sometimes I go in and I have nothing to say. That’s unheard of, I always have something to say. I have no clue what is going on with me. I used to go to therapy and just talk on and on. The past couple times, he had to ask me questions to get me to start talking. That never used to happen. One of the things about me that anyone who knows me knows that I almost never stop talking.
Lately, I’ve been trying to talk less at home. Sometimes I feel like I’m annoying people, like my husband, so I’m trying not to talk unless it’s important. I tend to talk about obvious things, things that aren’t necessary, and I also repeat myself. Some of this is due to my memory loss, but the rest of it is just who I am.
I have been going to therapy continuously since I was 14 years old. That’s a lot of talking; maybe I’m running out of things to talk about. I have a few ideas in my head that I want to talk to my therapist about today. Hopefully, when I get there, I will remember the topics. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I still find it pretty funny that I would be short of words.
Yesterday, I walked into my therapist’s office and anxiety hit me immediately. There are a total of seven chairs in his office, and every single one of them was occupied. I walked up to the receptionist’s desk and decided to wait for the receptionist to appear. I stood there for a few minutes, but she never came forward. A chair opened up, so I decided to sit down. I get very nervous around strangers. I’m not comfortable being close to just about anyone, especially strangers. I don’t like to be touched by strangers. It’s a PTSD trigger for me. I even carry a spring-loaded knife with me everywhere I go, which probably is not a smart idea, but it’s what I do. My PTSD has improved, but there was a time that I couldn’t be touched by anyone, not even my loved ones.
My appointment was at 4pm; I arrived five minutes early. I sat in the open chair and moved as far away from the other people as I possibly could. I looked down at my phone and saw that the time was 4:22pm. Even more people had arrived in his office. I’ve never seen it this crowded before. Normally, there are only one or two other people in the waiting room when I’m there. I was caught off guard by the amount of people there. I decided that if my therapist didn’t call me back by 4:30pm, then I would leave. I knew that my therapist would understand if I left, he knows how difficult crowds are for me. Two minutes later, my therapist called me back into his office. I was shaking, fidgety, and rocking back and forth. He could see that I was having an anxiety attack, and he knew why. He told me that a family of six people all came to an appointment for a family member who was seeing someone else in the office. I understand someone’s parents going to an appointment, but I don’t know why all of their siblings would go as well. They didn’t even go into the appointment; they all just sat there in the waiting room. Oh well, everyone does things differently.
I had a good appointment with my therapist. He’s easy to talk to and offers helpful insights. I’ve been seeing him for several years; I think it’s been since sometime around 2011. Talking to him feels more or less like I’m talking to a friend.