The only errand I had yesterday was to go grocery shopping and get my prescriptions. I didn’t time things well, I ended up going to the store right after most people get out of work, but I thought the store would be slower than normal due to Veteran’s Day. If anything, the store was busier than normal, but I handled it.
As I was leaving the store a guy who appeared to be in his early 20s was in front of me. It felt as if he was trying to hide behind my cart, which made me very uncomfortable. Then two managers from the store came out and asked the guy to come back in the store. The guy automatically started saying, “I didn’t do anything, what do you want?” He was acting very guilty and the employees had to physically force the guy back into the store. I walked away as quickly as possible. I have no clue why I was so uncomfortable and fearful. Why did that situation bother me so much?
I never stole anything before. Growing up in a family that had their own independent pharmacy, there were always people stealing from the store. My dad didn’t press charges on kids/teenagers. Instead, he made them work off what they owed Maybe, what happened today is just reminding me of my childhood.
At my therapy appointment, we came to the realization that I put others ahead of myself. If someone wants to do something, I almost always do it, even if it’s not what I want or if it causes anxiety. For me, saying no takes a lot of work. I think it causes more anxiety to say no than it does to do most anything anxiety provoking. My therapist wants me to work on this. He actually wants me to say no more often; to stand up for my own desires and opinions.
So I did it, I said no to something. There is a large family get-together this weekend that I don’t want to go to for several reasons. There will be a lot of people there that I don’t know, it’s out of my normal comfort-zone, and my husband wouldn’t be able to come with me. Normally, I would say yes to the invitation and then have anxiety attacks all week leading up to the get-together and then at the event itself. Instead, I said no; I’m still having anxiety attacks, but they’re a lot less than they would have been if I said yes.
Are there other people who struggle in this way as well? What do they do to help them?
Every night, I go to bed just a few minutes after my husband. He’s still awake when I come to bed. We have an adjustable, so he puts it so our feet and head are both up a little. We watch TV for a little and I try to fall asleep. It’s not that I’m not tired, I just can’t get comfortable, I think because of the position the bed was in. My husband gets comfortable, and that’s what matters to me.
If I wanted to, I could just go to the guest bedroom, which is empty. However, if I was in the guest bedroom, I wouldn’t have anything as background noise. When I’m in our bedroom or on the couch, I have the TV turned on so I have something to listen to as I fall asleep. I need background noise to drown out my own mind.
Even though I’m having problems sleeping lately, I still go to bed with my husband every night and try falling asleep. I don’t want to give up, so I do my best to fall asleep in my own bed and stay there. It will happen one day.