I’m back… I disappeared from my blog for more than 2 months. My last post was on November 4th. I said that I needed break, and apparently I took one. My depression has been rough for quite some time, but luckily it has gotten a lot better. I’m fortunate to have family and friends that are understanding, supportive, and honest with me. I’m trying to take everything just one day at a time.
I’m a bit out of it right now because of the ECT treatment I had this morning. I will get to stop ECT fairly soon. In December, we decided to slowly stop the ECT treatments because I finally started IV Ketamine (which is working very well!). I will write about that soon, hopefully sometime this week. I’m trying now to wear myself too thin.
I can’t believe it, but I actually got my Clozapine prescription filled on the first try. That’s the first time that’s ever happened. Hopefully it will continue like that.
I had plans today to spend time with my husband and his family. First, we grilled some steaks and then played cards with his mother and brother. Then we went to karaoke with his father and brother. I don’t mind doing these things; in fact, I enjoy spending time with my husband’s family. The only part of it that I don’t like is making plans ahead of time. I never know how I’m going to feel when it comes time to follow through with any plans I’ve made, but I guess that’s why I take Valium. Even if I don’t feel up to it, taking medication helps me follow through with plans that I’ve made.
I know that my depression has been weighing on my husband. He already has enough on his mind. Between his mom’s cancer, his brother’s possible heart problem, and his own back problems, he has enough to deal with. The fact that he cares about me is wonderful, but I feel like I’m a downer on life in general; I’m just putting a bigger strain on life. I hate being a drag to others. I wish there was a way around all of this, but there isn’t. So, I just have to accept life the way it is, and maybe things will improve over time.
I believe that I’m fortunate for having so much support from my family and friends. However, I have some people who want to understand, but they don’t. They ask me questions such as, “Why are you depressed?” or “What’s wrong?” and I have no clue how to answer them. I’m depressed because I am, not because of something that happened (at least most of the time). I honestly feel that people can’t understand bipolar disorder unless they experience it themselves, and I don’t wish that upon anyone. Nonetheless, I’m lucky to have people in my life that support me and try to understand. They are open to learning and they listen to what I have to say.
This is the first time I’ve written in over 5 weeks. My depression is continuing to control my life. I’m at the point in my depression where I don’t care about much of anything. I could stare at the wall most of the day and not care. My family has been extremely supportive and caring. Honestly, I wouldn’t have gotten through the past many weeks, as well as other times, without them. My mom, aunt, and husband have been wonderful and are always there for me to lean on.
I saw my psychiatrist today and we agreed to taper off a couple of my medications. That was my goal for that appointment. However, no matter how good the changes could be, they also bring up the unknown, which is scary. I’m nervous as to what the med changes could do to me. I know that mania is a possible side effect, but I’m willing to try going off of meds to make sure that I’m not on anything unnecessary.
I’m going to do my best to keep blogging on a regular basis. I know that it’s a great way for me to express myself, plus I always feel good afterwards. I also find other people’s blogs useful.
Today and yesterday have been extremely difficult. Yesterday, I went with my mother-in-law to her doctor’s to get the biopsy results. She finally got a definitive diagnosis yesterday. It’s stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Now, she has to choose what type of chemo she will be doing. I’m extremely impressed by her acceptance as she goes through this.
Naturally, my husband is having a hard time with this. I wish I could do something to make it better, but I can’t. I know if there is anything I can do to help my husband, that he will tell me. That’s one of the great things about him. I know he will always be honest and upfront with me.
I’ve been through something similar. When I was young, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He died when I was 18. I know how horrible it is to lose a parent, but I couldn’t imagine losing my mom. I’m trying to be supportive to my mother-in-law and my husband, but it’s harder than I expected. Everything that she goes through brings up memories if my father.
I wish I could leave; just get up and walk away from it all. However, even if I could, I wouldn’t. I want to, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to. I don’t want to deal with all of this, but I will. Instead of walking away, I’m going to be as supportive as possible. When I need to, I can vent by writing for my blog or by calling my mom (she’s very helpful).
I have been home for five days now, and I still haven’t gone grocery shopping or done laundry. I plan on doing that stuff every day, but for some good reasons, they keep getting pushed to the next day. Yesterday, my husband and I spent the entire day with his mother getting a second opinion on her cancer. We are very grateful that we went there. The Mayo Clinic was wonderful.
Today, we’re having someone come and spray in and outdoors. I think we’re having it done 4 times a year, just to be safe. I keep finding crickets around the house, so I know it’s necessary.
I have to get my monthly Clozapine blood work done soon. I have enough meds to get me through for another 9 days. Instead of pushing myself way too hard, I will make an appointment for Monday and allow myself to catch up on everything else that I missed while I was away.
Vacation is over. I’m on my way home today. I was worried about checking my bag. It seemed to be extremely heavy. I thought that it was going to be over the 50lb limit. I had no scale to measure it with. Luckily, when I weighed it at the airport, it only weighed 47lbs. Then, I surprisingly went straight through security in the airport without getting stopped by anyone.
I’m early for my flight. I would rather be early than late. I sit down near my gate but far enough away so I’m basically alone. I’m about to be on a 6 hour flight with people all around me. I’ve decided to have as much alone time as possible. I found a group of chairs up against a wall that are off on their own with no one in them. Granted, they are about 30 feet away from the restrooms, but at least no one is coming to sit near me and start a conversation.
I had a great vacation, and I don’t want to leave, however; at the same time, I’m really looking forward to going home. The thing that I really like about this vacation, and pretty much any vacation, is the time I get to spend with my mom. Since she lives so far way from me (about 2,500 miles), I only get to see her about 2 or 3 times a year. Leaving her is hard, but going back home to my husband is good.
I decided to take a break from blogging this past week. I tried to write this past Sunday, but my mind was already in vacation mode. This past week has been wonderful. I love the time I get to spend with my mom. We only had two beach days, but we’re happy no matter what we’re doing, as long as we’re together.
I also get to spend time with a friend of mine who drove three hours last night in a storm to come see me. I hadn’t seen her in probably about two years. She will also be taking me to the airport tomorrow, so I don’t have to take the bus. I’m so happy to see her.
When we were going to bed last night, I noticed a leak in the ceiling. It was getting worse quickly, and there was a crack in the ceiling. It looked like the whole thing was going to fall down. That was not fun to deal with at 1am. Luckily, it did not fall. Someone came to the cottage to check on it this morning, and they will send someone over to fix it either today or tomorrow.
Today is our last day of vacation. I have a lot of packing to do. I’m not sure if everything will fit in my suitcase. I did buy a bunch of gifts for people. I actually got half of my holiday shopping done. It’s probably time to start packing.
I’m sitting at a gate in the airport. It’s not even the gate that my flight leaves out of. It was the empty gate when I got here, so I thought that it would be a good place for me to sit. I don’t like crowds, especially when people are all around me, including behind me. I was sitting for less than 5 minutes, when suddenly everyone else thought that the area I was in would be a great place to hang out. UGH!
I made it through security alright. Granted, I did forget to take my laptop out and remove my phone from my pocket. The excuse that I’m using is that I’m taking a red-eye flight and I’m simply overly tired. That’s a good excuse.
I have decided to take only some of my night meds. I don’t want to take my Clozapine because that knocks me out cold. If that happens, then if someone next to me touches me or if the fight attendants wake me up for some reason, I would wake up terrified. Plus, the Clozapine makes me drool (so annoying). And I don’t mean I drool a little bit. It’s a lot. Way too much. So I will take my night meds, minus my Clozapine, and add in a Valium. So that’s the plan. I guess I will let you all know tomorrow how this all went. I’m hoping for the best (at least I’m going into it with a positive attitude).
Today has been a big and busy day. I started off late for my first appointment of the day. I ended up making it to the appointment on time, but I was very rushed to make it there. Once I got there, I had to fill out almost an hour worth of paperwork. Thank goodness my husband was there to help me fill everything out; I can’t remember much with my memory loss. This first appointment was for some back pain I’ve been having. It turns out that my spine is in good shape (yay) and it’s just a muscular problem. I’m now taking a tapering dose of Methylprednisolone for six days. I don’t like adding more medications to what I’m already on, so hopefully it helps.
I had two doctors appointments today. This afternoon was when I started packing for my trip; I leave for Cape Cod tomorrow night. I already have my packing list figured out. I just have to run everything through the dryer to make sure all of the bed bugs are gone (which they are).
I’m excited to be on vacation for a week. I can’t wait to spend all of this time with my mom, my sister and husband, and their kids. The kids are growing up so quickly. I can’t believe that the youngest is 14 years old. While I will be loving my trip and enjoying all of my time on vacation, I’m going to miss my husband while I’m gone. My husband is my rock. He helps me get through everything. I don’t think I could handle life without him. I’m lucky to have him in my life.