For me, there are different degrees of severity to my depression. I can only speak for myself, I don’t know if other people experience these levels of depression as well. My depression is getting better, hopefully because of the Clozapine. If that’s true, then the dosage increase should help even more. When I’m really deep into a depression, dealing with the worst of it all, I can barely get myself to get up out of bed or off the couch. I struggle with personal hygiene, I gain weight, I don’t care about things that are normally important to me, and it’s even difficult to feed my dog. Sometimes I cry uncontrollably, other times I’m just crying on the inside. I distance myself from my friends; I stop calling and visiting them. I also stop reaching out to everyone. There are times that I’m not able to express my emotions. For example, I will see a funny movie, I will think it is funny, but I’m unable to laugh. That is really hard to deal with. When my depression is at its worst, I can’t push myself through it no matter how hard I try. I’ve also been struggling with suicidal ideations for many months. It’s always there in the back of my mind.
Right now, it feels as if my depression has begun to improve. I still struggle with personal hygiene, weight gain, expressing my emotions at times, and reaching out to some people. However, I do recognize my improvements. I have been able to reach out to certain friends and even take the time to visit them. Taking care of my dog is no longer an issue. There are times when I still struggle to express emotions, but the fact that I am able to laugh at times is great. The fact that I am able to push myself to do things is a huge improvement. Even though certain things are hard, I have the ability to push myself to do them. It’s better than it was a little while ago when I couldn’t do anything no matter how hard I tried. It’s a big deal that I can notice these improvements. The suicidal ideations are still in the back of my mind, but the thoughts are there a lot less. Those feelings are no longer my first ideas.
I finally have some hope. I do think it’s possible that I can be genuinely happy again one day; I’m just waiting for that day to come. I must have some patience, maybe a lot of patience, but it will happen. I believe that I will have lots of ups and downs throughout my life. This depression is not the end of everything for me.