I’m back… I disappeared from my blog for more than 2 months. My last post was on November 4th. I said that I needed break, and apparently I took one. My depression has been rough for quite some time, but luckily it has gotten a lot better. I’m fortunate to have family and friends that are understanding, supportive, and honest with me. I’m trying to take everything just one day at a time.
I’m a bit out of it right now because of the ECT treatment I had this morning. I will get to stop ECT fairly soon. In December, we decided to slowly stop the ECT treatments because I finally started IV Ketamine (which is working very well!). I will write about that soon, hopefully sometime this week. I’m trying now to wear myself too thin.
I can’t believe it, but I actually got my Clozapine prescription filled on the first try. That’s the first time that’s ever happened. Hopefully it will continue like that.
I had plans today to spend time with my husband and his family. First, we grilled some steaks and then played cards with his mother and brother. Then we went to karaoke with his father and brother. I don’t mind doing these things; in fact, I enjoy spending time with my husband’s family. The only part of it that I don’t like is making plans ahead of time. I never know how I’m going to feel when it comes time to follow through with any plans I’ve made, but I guess that’s why I take Valium. Even if I don’t feel up to it, taking medication helps me follow through with plans that I’ve made.
I know that my depression has been weighing on my husband. He already has enough on his mind. Between his mom’s cancer, his brother’s possible heart problem, and his own back problems, he has enough to deal with. The fact that he cares about me is wonderful, but I feel like I’m a downer on life in general; I’m just putting a bigger strain on life. I hate being a drag to others. I wish there was a way around all of this, but there isn’t. So, I just have to accept life the way it is, and maybe things will improve over time.
Nothing feels right. I’m doing the best I can, but I think I’m about to burn out. I’m crying right now and wishing I could change everything. It’s possible that my mother-in-law’s cancer diagnosis triggered something in me. My husband is having a really hard time with his mom’s illness. I wouldn’t expect anything else. I’ve been there, sort of. I lost my dad when I was young. I can’t even imagine losing my mom. I’m here for him to talk to and as a shoulder to cry on, but I can’t change things. I wish there was something I could say that would make things better, but I know that’s not possible.
I feel alone. I stare at the wall and my mind just runs, it runs but there’s nothing there. Every once in a while, my husband asks me what’s going on, but by the time I go to answer him (which is only a few seconds later) I can’t remember what I was thinking. I wish I had a way out, but I don’t. Bipolar is a life-long disorder.
I just have to remind myself that I’ve made it through worse, I can make it through this.
The past couple days have been pretty difficult. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. I’m doing these things because I know that they would help my husband and mother-in-law. I know I don’t have to do these things. It’s my choice. I’m choosing to do them because I think it’s a way for me to love and support my husband and mother-in-law.
Saturday night, my husband asked me if I wanted to go play darts. I got ready and took a Valium. My husband really just needed to get out of the house. We had a good time. We met his best friend there and got to meet his new girlfriend, who we both like. The hardest part was walking into the bar and through crowds. I was okay once we got to the dart boards. There were a lot of people there. My husband was very helpful. He made sure to always hold my hand when we were moving around and he stood behind me when there were other people standing behind me.
This morning, I decided to go to church. It’s a Christian church. Again, I took a Valium because I knew this would be more than difficult. I knew it would make my mother-in-law very happy, and it did. About half of it was singing. My husband told me a few times that I could sing along (almost everyone did), but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sing along with words that I don’t believe in. Honestly, I have no clue what I believe in. I know that there is a power greater than myself; I’m obviously not all-powerful. However, that’s really all I know and believe at this point.
Going to church today really made my mother-in-law happy. It put a huge smile on her face. She even thanked me for coming and acknowledged how difficult it must have been for me to do so. I’ve been trying to figure out why I decided to go to church. I’m not sure if this is a reason or not, but I chose to go because no one ever asked me to going. Everyone knows I have a hard time with church and God. I wasn’t pushed into doing something I didn’t want to do. I was accepted for who I am, and that’s why I went. I’m not sure if I will go again or not. Right now, I’m completely overwhelmed with life. I wish there was a way to simply pause everything.
I went to a new salon today to get my eyebrows waxed. I did some research and found out that their slowest time of the day is between 2pm and 3pm, so that’s when I went. The store is in a retirement community, so the people there will not make me as nervous as other younger individuals. I still had to take a Valium in order to go, but I did really good while I was there. The woman who I worked with was really nice and easy to understand. I plan on going back there from now on whenever I need anything done by a salon.
There is also a grocery store right next door to this salon. It’s a Bashas’ grocery store, and I know those stores because that’s where we went grocery shopping when I was in an alcohol/drug treatment center. I think I could possible be comfortable going to this grocery store. Plus, it’s a lot closer to our house than where’s I’m currently going. Maybe I’ll have my husband come with me the first time, just to make me feel a little safer.
I’m proud of myself for finally trying to go somewhere new. Anything new is extremely difficult for me, but I’m glad I’m not giving up.
Finally, the bed bugs are gone! We’ve been trying to get rid of them for almost 3 months. We wrapped the mattress and its frame in black plastic and set them outside in the heat. Bed bugs can’t live in heat over 140 degrees. For 2 days, we put the wrapped mattress and frame outside when it was 110 degrees. The black plastic soaked in the sun and killed all the bed bugs. I didn’t want to say that we fixed it right away because I didn’t want to jinx it.
It feels so wonderful to finally be able to sleep in our own bed again. I slept on the couch for over a month. For the past few months, it felt like the bed bugs took over my life. Now, I finally took my life back.
I have difficulty with a lot of things. I have an extremely hard time saying no to people. I struggle to stand up for myself. Even when someone asks me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering them. I would rather do something I don’t want to do and be unhappy (without saying I’m unhappy, of course) that tell someone what I really want. Life feels like a giant problem, as if it’s an obstacle I may never complete, but I’m not giving up.
My ex, from before I got sober, was very abusive. I suppose that it just became second nature to do whatever he wanted. I would never dare to say no to him; I knew what the punishment would be if I didn’t behave properly. Even though he’s gone, I still react that way. I want to stop putting others before myself, but I haven’t been able to. Reacting the way I do is a force of habit. It has nothing to do with the people I’m with today, such as my husband, family, or friends; it has everything to do with me.