I generally hide certain emotions, especially anger, even though I know it’s not helping me. I used to get drink and get high when I couldn’t handle my anger. Over the years, I’ve taught myself to downplay my anger so it didn’t have as big of an effect on me as it used to. I thought this was working, but I now know that I was just avoiding problems instead of dealing with them. All problems need to be dealt with at some point.
I have so much going on in my life right now. I became so overwhelmed yesterday and I finally admitted that I was angry; I said it out loud. It felt really good to say it out loud and express my emotions; it actually lessened my anger. I should have done it a long time ago. I’m hoping that I learned something from this experience.
I started another medication yesterday for my bladder disorder. It seems that my medication list is going to keep getting bigger. I was told that I have to take this medication on an empty stomach and I take it twice a day. I already have a medication that I take with food twice a day. I think that the new medication is what pushed me over the edge yesterday. Nothing ever seems to be simple. Hopefully the new medication will work, but it will take time.
My Side of the Pole 
As well, I use to keep my anger all bottled up. To the point where I ended up lashing out on my future mother in law. Did she deserve that… no, but I meant every word. I should’ve used a different tone to express my feelings towards her regarding the situation. I didn’t curse her out but it was a lot of yelling. This was back in 2014. I felt like she just came into my life and started taking over an I allowed that to happen to often. Even after that she ended up doing something very hurtful towards me that involved my children. She apologized but after that I vowed to keep my distance from her. I still let her stop by to see her grandchild but I set boundaries with her. And I made sure she knew we didn’t have the same relationship we use to have in the pass. Actually I end up telling her this 5 days ago. Although, I have love and respect her, we speak during family gatherings “to show each other respect” but honestly I can’t trust her…. not right now anyway. I guess I’m still going through a healing process with her. I do forgive her but I can’t give her a open door to cause drama in my life again. I never lashed out on anyone like that before. It was freeing but wrong. Plus, must of that anger accumulated over time by me not speaking my mind from the beginning with close family and friends. She came around often back then and I really just needed my space from her and her negativity. Never again will I give my power away. I had to do a lot of spiritual growing. Self-love was very important and everything else fill into place.
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