I’ve been eating much healthier than normal, but there’s still room for improvement. All that matters is that I keep trying and I do my best. Apparently, I am very irritable today. My husband said I was a bit snappy; I know he’s right. I’m not sure why I’m so short-tempered today. Could it be because I’m not eating the junk food that I normally like to eat? Could it be because I’m overloaded with stuff that has to get done? Or maybe it’s due to the horrible heat-wave? Whatever the reason is, hopefully my bad mood won’t last too long.
As my days continue to go on, I sit here wondering if and when they will end. Life is exhausting and is often too much for me to handle. I honestly wonder how I make it through all of the “events” and each individual “crisis”. Today, I was so overwhelmed when a company said they didn’t have us scheduled for an appointment, even though the technician wrote down our appointment for us. I was so overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and stressed that I started crying. Apparently, when I get to my breaking point, I end up crying (which I hate doing). I was able to manage the situation on my own (that’s a big deal for me). I spoke to the manager and was able to have someone keep the appointment and come out today.
In my life, there seems to be one problem after another, and another, and another, and so on. I just want a break; a few days, strung together, where problems don’t keep arising. I guess I just have to do my best to go with the flow.
All of these problems that have been coming up have been causing my blood pressure to rise. By taking in deep breaths, I was able to bring my blood pressure down 10 points, down to 146/102. For some reason, the physician’s assistant to me that I need to work on lowering my blood pressure. She told me that I need to relax. I couldn’t believe it! Was she kidding me or was she just completely ignorant? She knew all of my diagnoses. Telling someone to “just relax” is absurd. Anyway, I’m trying to bring my blood pressure down, hopefully it will work even the slightest bit.
Life keeps throwing things at me left and right, I can’t seem to catch a break. I’m overly exhausted; physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I don’t know what the reason is to keep going. If it’s not one thing wrong, it’s another. I just wish it would stop. I know I’m not going to do anything about it. I always tell my doctor about my suicidal ideations. I guess all I’m doing now is bitching about life. I know that no one’s life is simple, easy, and wonderful. And that’s not what I’m asking for. I just want a break. Well, I’m done venting for now. I have more stuff to get back to doing.
I’m getting frustrated pretty easily. I keep pushing my frustration down, but maybe that’s not the best thing to do. Yesterday, my car decided not to start. It ended up working out okay, but it pissed me off when it happened. It’s just another thing to add to the list of crap that I’m dealing with.
When I get frustrated, I generally get very quiet. I usually don’t talk, smile, or do anything; I’m just there. Every once in a while, I will vent to my mom or my husband. I think I should allow myself to express my frustration, otherwise I’m afraid it will erupt at some point.
I wasn’t always like this. I used to be able to express my frustration and anger, but now, even the idea of it scares me. I even get scared when I’m around others that are full-blown angry because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I have a fear of the unknown. I need to find a happy medium. I know it’s not healthy to be angry every day, but it’s also not healthy to pretend not to be angry.
I got a lot done yesterday. In fact, I got everything done that I wrote on my to-do list. Staying very busy definitely helped the itching. I’m going to try that again today. I’ve been more irritable lately than normal. In fact, normally I don’t get or show irritation or anger. However, I think that having this rash is pushing me to my limits. I’ve snapped at my husband several times regarding things that normally don’t bother me. I’m also responded to some people with a snarling attitude, and I that’s not right. There’s definitely something off about my mood.
I’m starting my day by watching the bunnies in the yard again. I think it puts me in a more peaceful mood and I hope that it will help me feel better today. I wish I could be with my mom during Mother’s Day, but I’ll do that next year. This year, I’m going to make dinner for my mother-in-law. In fact, I’m going to make one of the best meals (and my favorite meal) that my mom would make for us when we were children. That’s my way of bringing my mom closer to me even when she’s not with me.
I had a 3 month follow-up with my primary care physician (PCP) today. It was really pointless. The first thing my doctor said to me was, “Do you know you’ve gained weight? You’ve gained 9 pounds since I’ve last seen you.” Obviously I’ve gained weight. I wanted to say to her, “No shit”, but instead I remained mostly calm but a bit snappy. I talked to her about it; it was not a conversation I wanted to have, but I didn’t really have a choice. She asked why I was gaining weight. First of all, that’s a stupid question. Then, I explained how I started gaining weight when I started taking Clozapine; I told her that weight gain is a side effect and I’ve been struggling with it for a while now. Anyway, I’m home now and trying not to eat over this. Thanks for letting me vent.
I hate stigma. It makes me feel as if I’m nothing or dangerous. I’ll explain. My husband and I record a lot of TV shows. For one of the TV shows, we hadn’t yet watched any of the episodes, so some days we watch multiple episodes back to back. It’s this show that started last year, Secrets and Lies (heads up, spoiler alerts). I was all good with it, until close to the end of the first season. They find psychiatric medications in the woman’s house, Risperdone and Lithium. Then the guy that found the meds looks them up and of course it shows only the negative information about bipolar disorder. It shows information about psychosis and how individuals can go into violent rages when their meds are not level or when they’re off medication.
Maybe there are some people who do go into violent rages when struggling with medication, but that’s not how it goes for everyone. Every person is different and I don’t like it when TV or movies show individuals with bipolar with the most extreme effects. There are probably a lot of people out there that don’t realize that they are only showing the most extreme circumstances. There are people out there that know nothing about bipolar disorder until they see it shown on TV and in movies. It’s stuff like this that gives bipolar disorder and other mental health disorders a bad name.
I looked up the word stigma to see what it says and I found that it says, ‘a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.’ When bipolar disorder is shown on TV or in movies, it is usually shown in a disgraceful manner. I wonder if this will ever change.
Today has been an “off” day for me. Nothing really felt right today. Everything was annoying me. It was even difficult for me to do the things that I normally enjoy doing. I kept pushing my emotions down, over and over again, I tried to keep a lid on things. I felt like a boiling tea kettle, pushed to my limits, boiling on the inside, just waiting some relief.
This doesn’t happen to me too often. Normally, I can brush off anything that annoys me. I guess that can’t happen every time. What I really need to do is learn how to set some boundaries.
Check out my most recent article about dealing with anger on The International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF) blog. It discusses healthy ways to process and deal with anger. Please check it out.
You can find my post on the IBPF website here.
I generally hide certain emotions, especially anger, even though I know it’s not helping me. I used to get drink and get high when I couldn’t handle my anger. Over the years, I’ve taught myself to downplay my anger so it didn’t have as big of an effect on me as it used to. I thought this was working, but I now know that I was just avoiding problems instead of dealing with them. All problems need to be dealt with at some point.
I have so much going on in my life right now. I became so overwhelmed yesterday and I finally admitted that I was angry; I said it out loud. It felt really good to say it out loud and express my emotions; it actually lessened my anger. I should have done it a long time ago. I’m hoping that I learned something from this experience.
I started another medication yesterday for my bladder disorder. It seems that my medication list is going to keep getting bigger. I was told that I have to take this medication on an empty stomach and I take it twice a day. I already have a medication that I take with food twice a day. I think that the new medication is what pushed me over the edge yesterday. Nothing ever seems to be simple. Hopefully the new medication will work, but it will take time.