With racing thoughts, comes an assortment of emotions. Right now I’m stuck in jealousy. In 2010 I had my tubes tied. It was such a difficult decision. Every day I hate that I did it, but I’m also extremely grateful. I know that I can’t take care of myself or my dog when I go through manic or depressive episodes, how could I even try to take care of a child. It was the right thing to do for me. However, my jealousy comes out when I see any parent with their child. I tend to wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t make that decision. But seeing as how I’m still struggling with my mental health 6 years later, I suppose I did the right thing. I’m also dealing with a lot of regret. Is it normal to regret something that you are glad you did?

I miss the job I had before I went on disability. I was really good at it and my employer was very nice. I went on disability not too long after getting a huge raise and a promotion. The more time that goes by, the more I wonder if I’ll ever get back to where I was 8 or 9 years ago. These are just the most repetitive thoughts going through my mind lately. There are a lot of other racing thoughts, but they’re not as persistent as the ones I mentioned.

10 thoughts on “Jealousy and Regret

  1. What you have done was brave, it took a lot of courage and strength to realize that you cant be selfish. If you know you are having difficulty caring for yourself because of your situation it was smart not to bring an innocent person into it. I admire what you have done, I should probably follow in your footsteps as hard as it may be to bring myself to do it. I can not support myself in the least bit nor should I be having any children with the tons of medication I am on. I ‘think for me it is fair to bring a child into this world when I am a disaster on my own. Again i truly admire what you did, I know what your going through may be so incredibly hard but it was also really smart brave and selfless of you ❤

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  2. Life is full of “what ifs,” and I’m convinced that one of the keys to succeeding in life, especially for people with mental illnesses, is being able to move past a “what if” into a “what is.” I respect your decision to not have kids, and I think it makes sense to regret something even if it’s the right thing. I too have chosen not to have kids because of my health concerns, but it hurts to see other families and realize that they didn’t have to face that choice in the same way I did.

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to share that with me. It’s nice to have someone who has and is going through the same experience. It hurts me when I see other families, especially when the parents can’t take care of their kids due to any issue. I did what was right for me, I knew it was going to hurt emotionally. I just thought the emotional pain would lessen with time, but it’s not.

      Liked by 2 people

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